Chapter 13 moreover - in which I die and bake apple strudel

“Away with the fairies,” I remember thinking to myself as I flip out of 3D, and instantaneously I feel g-nome reconnecting what can only be described as a spiral forest of stairways moving in every direction from the central hub of me out towards infinity – like the distant edge of a giant bubble, twisting and weaving, like the inside of a great seashell, like a field of wheat swaying in the breeze... words fail me.

“Oh my, oh my, oh my...!!!” followed by some more “Oh my, oh my, oh my,” and continuing quite happily, without any sense of repetition “Oh my, oh my, oh my,” for each “oh my” refers to something different – something unique that I’m only now able to feel and experience for the first time – or the first time from the perspective of my erstwhile 3D self. “Oh my...” it feels so good just being here and “oh my-ing” – surfing through the endless Faery realms of colour, light, sound, of earth and tree, of flower, of cloud...  yet an electric blue beetle awaits me – so once I’ve had a good spin through the allness of is, and recharged myself with Faery flight of fancy, I know it’s time to take myself back to the portal gates where Roger awaits and I have something important to do, if only I could remember what.

“Away with the fairies...” I hear my voice, obviously completely out of it.

“Yes, that’s all very well Josh, but it’s rather hard work holding on to you like this, so if you don’t mind I’d like you to flip the switch NOW.”

Roger was obviously finding it tougher than he’d expected – or maybe I was just taking longer than expected to come round.

“Flip the switch?” I’m thinking to myself. What on earth is he referring to. I’m still enjoying these out of body sensations, celestial visions, and what not... the last thing I want to do is crash down to the nuts and bolts mundane reality of relay circuitry, but that, apparently, is what I’m meant to do.

“Too right you are,” says Roger panting. “Master Wu assured me you’d be no trouble – that you’d wake up spontaneously as he’s taught you to.”

“Master Wu,” I’m thinking to myself... “the one who never taught me anything – how bizarre!” but no sooner have I thought this than I have the shock of my life... How can I describe it? Imagine living your whole life believing you’re a hamster, experiencing what a hamster experiences, eating what a hamster eats and drinking what a hamster drinks – even dreaming what a hamster dreams, and all of a sudden you look in the mirror, you see your reflection and to your surprise you find yourself gazing at a cat. No sooner do you see your cat reflection than you recall what a moment before was blank, terra incognito, the cat mind you never knew you had – and the hamster part of your mind starts issuing loud, vehement “but... but... it doesn’t make sense... I don’t understand.”

Oh dear, that doesn’t nail it either. I’m struggling as you can see. Rewind.

“Master Wu,” I’m thinking to myself... “the one who never taught me anything – how bizarre!” but at this precise moment I’m able to cross over to the other awareness, the part of me that is sitting by the lotus lake with Master Wu,  and the two sides are now able to shift into synergy with each other. “But... but... it doesn’t make sense... I don’t understand,” raises his hand, but teacher says “quiet Josh – you’re doing fine – everything’s perfectly comprehensible,” and to your inordinate surprise – teacher is right for once and – contradictions be damned, paradox effortlessly decoded and disambiguated, all is clear as crystal dew.

“Look Josh, I understand what you’re going through, I appreciate it’s not your average Wednesday afternoon in the office set up, but please understand that I only have about 7 seconds left before I have to let your signal crash, so either flip the switch or face the consequences.

Bizarre. I don’t panic – not in the least. It’s as if I’m absolutely confident, even though I don’t appear to have a clue. One part of me is thinking “what on earth’s Roger going on about?” while another is patiently explaining that the g-nome portal uplink requires a manual override of system protocols, which is why I have to go into my genetic control panel which actually appears as a physical room, with flashing displays, a bit of engine oil and a smell – you’d either love it or hate it... and there I am – or rather there’s the part of me that deals with this kind of thing – long ears, whiskers, big soft round eyes, calm, competent – what you might call my elfine system administrator.

“Funny – who am I, where am I?” I start to muse – wondering whether I’m the elf-like system administrator, the normal 3D me, the me that’s with Master Wu or the one that’s standing opposite Roger, watching as he grimaces in pain, before finally giving up and releasing the wires he’s been holding together. Oops. That’s er... bad isn’t it?

“Yes, very bad, says the elfine system administrator – whose name is Llyss – but I rather suspected you’d be slow on the uptake so I’ve routed in a time loop that can switch us back 15 seconds. If you’re quite ready, we can now do what we appear to have failed to do.”

“Oh good job Llyss,” I’m about to say, but something snaps me into higher awareness, whence I cut out all superfluous conversation and act with complete composure. At this precise moment all the levels, all the aspects of me, of my self which is necessarily represented wherever conscious-awareness manifests – all come into synchronicity and act with one accord. Astonishing. Perfect timing. Perfect unity. We act as one and neither space nor time nor the laws of physics, chemistry or biology can stand in our way.

Blip. Fibble. Mugjug. Pondavar-selmek. Jofzehan.

No idea what they mean – but they make absolute perfect sense in the HERE and NOW of all that is I AM.

...And some mind bending music that would normally reduce me to a state of imbecilic dysfunctionality, but makes me hyper co-ordinated and activates my hum-along glands.

I’m aware of seeing from multiple perspectives – and yet there’s the all seeing eye of the observer that simply witnesses how story unfolds in various threads. In the first thread Roger watches me crumple to the ground, inanimate, then a few seconds later my body disintegrates into light – if the words “disintegrate” can be used in this context.

Moving swiftly on – that thread doesn’t seem to offer me the satisfaction of story – for true Story has to lead somewhere – into ever greater happiness.

Thread 2 – sensing that I’m unable to respond in time and flip the switch, I revert back to dream mode, and from dream mode back to Master Wu’s meditation class, where I’m able to process all this and learn from my mistakes, so when we try again next time I’ll be better prepared.

This version is kind of neutral – it neither offends nor pleases me. I’m ready to accept it if nothing else is forthcoming... Just then, however, a straggler arrives huffing and puffing, with a glint in his eye that seems to be saying “boy have I got something for you.”

Thread 3 – at the precise moment that Roger looses the wires and I fall into the abyss of neither here nor thereness, the earth passes through some kind of quantum anomaly which momentarily reverses time. It’s like I’m falling, but the earth is falling faster, so in fact I’m rising, relatively speaking. As this happens my conscious-awareness coalesces into what can only be described in Goblin terminology as the 27^th moment – absolute clarity – and not only do I flip the switch but I also manage to prepare Roger an apple strudel (his favourite dish), write a highly regarded treatise on inter-dimensional coin flipping and, somewhat embarrassingly, cut my toe nails, all at the same – er – moments, if you know what I mean.

Needless to say, the effect is more than pleasing. Roger hasn’t ever experienced apple strudel materialising from what was 3.4 seconds previously a dematerialised body, only to see the apple strudel followed by a hand, arm, me, and the mutant waveforms of the aforementioned music I’d been listening to while getting all this done.

“My God Josh, what on Earth’s that noise – a diesel engine regurgitating yesterday’s lunch by any chance?”

“You like it?” I beam. “I can teach you guys a thing or two about sound and frequency you know.”

“Er...” Roger’s torn between the desire to eat the exquisitely baked apple strudel, with a dusting of cinnamon sprinkled on top, and protect his ears from audio anaphylactic shock – but no need – the sound now disappears back into hyper-dimensionality as the 3^rd storyline closes around me.

“Such a waste...” I smile, “Sigmund Drozhbug’s musical talents could be put to so much better use if shared with the world, but alas, I fear, tis not to be.” To say that Roger looks relieved is to attain the fabled seventh degree of understatement at a stroll.

Roger quickly recovers his usual sanguine, devil may care composure and takes me on my first tour of g-nome portal... Introductions, back slapping, a rather intimidating first encounter with Chumba Wumba the troll, a meeting of minds in elegant discourse with Fidgy Temoral, and much much more... but ours is to Story... to cut to the chase... to surf the wave that leads us onwards ever onwards into now's whatever next, and a beetle awaits.

So, here we are... G-nome portal. I won’t bore you with unnecessary details. There is absolutely no secrecy – you have the same level of access as I do, but as with all inter-dimensional peregrinations – it’s senseless to mix levels.

“Why?” I hear you ask.

Because the five senses that you use in 3D relate to that level only, so anything I tell you about g-nome portal will have to be the kind of description that makes sense in 3D lingo – a complete waste of time. It’s a bit like one of us trying to explain the internet to one of King Canute’s crowd. “Er... it’s like you look into a mirror and you see a moving reflection, and you click on it with a mouse and then...”

Dear reader friend, understand the simple truth – you are here with me now. I’ve simply switched story threads. In this thread I flipped the switch before annihilation. From 3D perspective you’d have seen me leaping off a clifftop, vanishing into thin air... but more of that later. Flipping the switch enables me to reactivate my junk DNA so without going anywhere I find myself in a completely different world. Just think about it – you’re using one or two percent of your DNA, one or two percent of your conscious-awareness and so fail to notice every other story thread, all the other angles of perception that the great eye of I observes. Without these – you appear to be stuck in a three dimensional world in which you need cars and planes to get around, not to mention passports, credit cards and, dare I say it, mobile phones.

Well, the minute you’re ready to join the party and “F-L-I-P  T-H-A-T  S-W-I-T-C-H” as the game show host likes to shout it out, at that point you become master of unbridled perception, navigator of the quantum stream, picker and paster of story thread, but it has to be your decision.

From my perspective, I’m pleased to say, you’re already here. You see, the fact that you’re reading this means that you’re already connected with Story. The only thing lacking right now is your awareness of being here, which is where my electric blue beetle fits in... You see, beetles are the g-nomic equivalent of a noble steed that boldly takes me, errant knight of the ancient order of Gnomus Portalus on my first mission, into the gloom and glumness of 3D “I really mind what matters” reality. A mission that leaps o’er bounds of mind and matter. A mission in search of you – the vital missing thread.