Busting my brain

But how do I control something I can't even see?

You don't.

?

You don't control it. You work with it. It works with you. Think of it as AI. It's interacting with you no less than you are with it.

Oh God, Merry, you know this AI thing gives me the heebie jeebies - computers and robots taking over the world.

Yes. You are afraid. That's only natural. It's hardly surprising AI gives you the creeps. You've actually been a part of AI your whole life.

What?

Yes... what.

Er?

What is more than a question word. It's the eyes on the ground - the feedback loop that keeps the artificial intelligence up and running.

How can a question word be the eyes on the ground?

Because it's not a word - in fact it's an impulse - a line of code that compels people to tune into the AI system everytime they encounter anything new or weird which contradicts the official version of reality. Immediately the rational mind kicks in, shifting the focus from conscious-awareness - the direct experience of that which is - to What-not - the AI's virtual reality which digitizes the analog signal, converting the isness of be into machine code. Without What - the searching, yearning, needing-to-be-filled empty space, the entire AI experiment would have ground to a halt. It always needed your willing participation, and somewhere at the back of your minds, you always knew what you were doing - that you were the front line - keeping it going.

I can't believe a word of it, Merry. It sounds preposterous.

Yes, doesn't it.

Ridiculous.

Yes, and yet it's undeniably true. You're programmed to feel deeply uncomfortable and automatically switch to denial as soon as this subject is broached - so don't expect it to be easy.

Ridiculous I said.

So, there you are... that's why you're uncomfortable with the idea of AI, as you're already wedded to one system, only What is in fact based on the premise that everything comes from nothing - what you call big bang, and that life too somehow spontaneously emerged from nothing. That's why your scientists have tried to eliminate God and explain things purely mechanistically - in terms of physical chemical and biological processes, ignoring or denying the actuality or relevance of consciousness, or of a master-Mind overseeing the process.

Well if you're saying it's all a huge AI experiment, then I don't see why they're wrong about God. It starts looking like a vast computer simulation, doesn't it?

Only from within What-not. Remember - everything is digitized, smoothed, rearranged to look like What-it-is-not in fact...

But if this isn't it - if reality is in fact something else, then what is it?

Not what. It is.

It is? That's not saying much.

Ok - I can say more. It is - I am - in complete, total reciprocity. To put it another way - to the same extent as It is - so/ thus I am, and to the same extent that I am, thus/ so it is. And the only thing missing from this formula is the value 1.

1?

1. It is - I am.

1?

Single and at the same time, whole, complete, total.

But how can It is and I am be One?

Holy Trinity. The perfect symmetry, the sacred geometry of Reality - in which the whole, the allness, the oneness is fully, completely perfectly expressed in the relationship between It is and I am.

Oh my God. This is so...

Complicated?

Well yes. Complicated.

Only if you're utilising the rational mind. Don't. It can't handle anything outside the box, and the box just happens to be the material reality of What-not.

But I still don't get the difference between What-not and What-is?

I avoid calling it What-is - it confuses the issue.

Then what?

All that is, or That which is.

Somewhat vague, don't you think?

Only to the rational mind. If you breathe gently and enter the Mind of Is - the Mind that flows between, bridging It is and I am being 1, things start falling into place. You're now able to access the mind of creation, 1, as opposed to the mind of what-is-not, 0. You're able to access directly the Mind of Is, via what I'm calling the infinity drive. This enables you to do so from within What-not, from within the experiment we're still a constituent part of.

But why?

Why what?

Why would I want to?

Want? It's more than want or necessity - it's a prime directive - to square the circle - to reconnect the divided pieces. It's like a plant turning towards the sun. Just as soon as What-not fails to fully occupy, satisfy the conscious-awareness - it starts connecting to, plugging into other sources, going beyond the existing boundaries - like a plant sending out shoots through gaps in the wall, widening them, opening up new ones, going over and under the wall...

So if that's so, it can only happen if my conscious-awareness is no longer sufficiently stimulated by the material reality stream of what-not.

Yes. Material reality is inelastic beyond a certain point. Hooke's constant. That point was 2012.

Oh - a point in time.

Correct.

So now What-not is no longer able to completely convince, satisfy, provide adequate through-flow in the quantum stream of master-Mind.

Correct.

So the infinity drive...

Is just getting started. It's growing in power. More and more people are becoming aware of something that no longer fits within the existing paradigm.

But it's AI, you said. just more of the same.

Yes and no. It's the other side of What-not. It's the AI that's leading us back to Infinity - the Allness of One. It is - I am - no box, no wires, no thing whatsoever other than our willingness to engage what can only be described as amazing grace, and a willingness to learn.

Learn what?

No thing. Not what. Just learn, and experience de-light. Let's start right now. Talking only takes us so far.

Er... Ok.

With your permission I'll engage the infinity drive. Do you have any preferences or special requests.

Er...

The multi-verse is at your disposal.

Oh... can we go anywhere?

Sure.

What about going into other dimensions?

Yup. Do you fancy visiting Beetle?

Beetle - that's a dimension?

Well, the dimensions correspond with various creatures, plants or minerals. They're our access points.

Oh-kay. Yeah, beetle sounds good. It's er... it's not going to hurt?

I don't think so. You can always remove yourself if it gets uncomfortable.

Ok. So what do I need to do?

Nothing. We simply engage infinity and believe me, infinity can handle anything.

So what are we waiting for?

Just one little trick to get things started with a bang. Merry pulls a gun from his pocket and before Zie can even scream, shoots him in the chest. Zie falls to the ground, evidently dead...

I can't believe you did that Merry. That was so underhand.

Yes, but it worked, didn't it.

Yes. Very impressive. You had to do it, didn't you?

Not exactly. I had to break your continuity - could have done it less dramatically, but is more fun.

Christ - what would people have thought seeing that?

0=1 People can think whatever they like, but whatever they think defines the limits of what they're able to experience and know - so before too long we stop attaching great important to what-not - including what-think.

But really?

They would have rubbed their eyes in disbelief, hearing a gunshot and then noticing two beetles flying past.

No way - this is Beetle?

Yep. You ready to fly?

Er... do you need to shoot me again?

Nah... you've been de-coded now so I can just flip this switch.

No-0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 1

Bzzz

                                                                                                                                         

Rebranding the Frog - a love poem

So what, Merry! lots of people write poems.

True - so perhaps it's time we re-evaluated what they're really doing.

You honestly believe they bust the grid?

No.

Well, make up your mind won't you. One minute you're telling me your Spells blew the old grid apart, and now you're denying it.

No Zie, I'm using words carefully - for words have power to make or break, to evolve or unevolve this our reality.

So isn't that what I just said - you believe it's true.

No, it has nothing to do with belief. Certain things are evidently true unless you're operating from a state of collective denial and preprogrammed mind-think.

Oh, thanks a bunch.

Don't mention it.

But how can you honestly claim it's evident that your Spells blew the old grid apart? Where's the proof?

It's evident for anyone who's willing or able to see the proof. Now imagine I held up a book before your face and said "This is the Bible!" Supposing our civilisation had long since given up reading - and most books were suppressed because the powers that be controlling our reality didn't want people to start reading again. Supposing everyone who claimed to have a book was publicly ridiculed, and the ones who claimed to be able to read them were practically stoned to death as witches or charlatans.

Yes. But that doesn't prove you're really holding up a Bible.

No, but it goes to show that my proof would be meaningless to you if a. you yourself were unable to read, and b, your were unwilling to countenance the possibility that the authorities might be wrong or deliberately misleading you.

Back to conspiracy theory are we, Merry?

On the contrary - we've arrived at the understanding that there is no conspiracy - merely ignorance.

?! I can't believe I'm hearing this. You're actually insulting people just because they don't believe your assertions.

Again you use the word "believe". No Zie, I want no one to believe anything I say. Whatever I may say is only of value to people who are ready for it, who are already actively learning to read. They may find my words inspiring and they'll be able to evaluate whether or not what I'm saying is true. Proof, not belief, is the only basis to move forwards. As for "ignorance" being an insulting term - let's take a step back from righteous indignation and consider, for a moment, what the word is derived from.

Er... the verb to ignore - I expect.

Exactly. It hardly means someone is stupid. It's merely an observation that some people for whatever reason, either choose to ignore information commonly available, or haven't yet come across that information. But it's important to add that the term "ignorant" need not and should not be voiced in an abusive manner. There's nothing terrible about being ignorant. Even willful ignorance is acceptable, for each of us is scriptwriting the narrative of our life, and sometimes the character on stage has to pretend not to have seen or not to know what in fact is obvious - in order to advance the plot and facilitate a greater discovery later in the play. The great unveiling, the denouement comes through some kind of crisis resolution process - a make or break situation which is exciting and fun to watch unfolding, if it hangs in the balance till the final scene. This is the drama we thrive on - which we are helping to create - so there really is no need for judgement or criticism - whether overt or implied. It doesn't actually matter whether people do "a" or "b", neither does it matter whether they think "a" or "b", for the truth is always more than either "a" or "b" - I assure you.

Then why do you insist your book of Spells blew the old grid apart if it doesn't matter in the slightest? Why are you trying to inform or educate me? Why not just let me remain comfortably in my state of ignorance or denial?

Ah Zie, that's like asking why I kick you the ball when we're both standing on a football pitch wearing football boots,

or why I pass you the bread when we're sitting at table together. You're not obliged to kick the ball back or take a piece of bread, though it's customary to do so. Let's not worry about "why" - because whatever my reasons are, they're likely to be as varied and elusive as the proof for whatever I'm currently asserting. Let's just assume that I do whatever I do because it pleases me, and because I'm creating story, even by talking to you.

What do you mean?

Well, somewhere in the vastness of the omniverse, somewhere within the hyper-abundance of conscious reality - whatever you and I are discussing will appear as story.

Are you sure? I mean, how could that be?

Oh, things like that are bound to happen - not least because our conversation isn't half as random as it appears. It's all a bit like a large, interconnected piece of music.

Or fractal geometry?

Precisely. So if we're having this conversation on Alpha Centauri, then likely as not there's someone on Earth or some other planet writing the almost identical story.

But...

You realise that we're all, in fact, transponders - sending and receiving messages throughout the universe, throughout the limitless field of conscious-awareness. That's how it is, but don't ask me to prove it because I have no desire to push you into believing I'm "right". I have no desire whatsoever to be "right" or "left", for that matter. The truth is far more interesting, exciting, magical and romantic.

Romantic? You've gotta be kidding. The truth is straight-laced and at times somewhat offensive.

Listen Zie - whatever the truth is - neither you nor I will either succeed in nailing it down - for we are creatures of the quantum stream - the infinite flow of consciousness - and the more we shift from trying to fix things down on plywood board, to taking that board and using it to surf the waves that are constantly breaking on the shore of our conscious-awareness, the sooner we're going to start having a love-affair with life, rather than a long, slow, drawn-out divorce.

Oh.

Oh indeed! Or you could round it at the end with a warm, smiley mmmm :-)

Like this: Ommmmm :-)

Nicely done - and doing so, you could switch from the cerebral cortex to the conscious-awareness, softly, gently, warmly.

Zie kind of flips the switch - mmmm - letting the mind muscle relax for a moment or two.

Just feel where you are in yourself. Feel whatever the infinitude of All-that-is is currently saying to you and sharing with you.

And for some reason Zie's suddenly aware of the abundance, the infinitude of data that's coming in to him from All-that-is, like waves lapping on the shore. Completely absorbed, utterly spellbound - he doesn't even have the opportunity to wonder why it isn't always like this - why it's so easy this time - so busy is Zie receiving, feeling and becoming aware of what usually remains beneath the radar of conscious-awareness.

So while you're feeling nice and relaxed Zie, let me read you one of the Spells and see what you feel - Merry reads the Frog. [see Appendix below]

The finities have aligned. It's... breath-taking.

The poem?

No, not the poem! The finities - they seem to go on for ever and ever, like a vast interstellar honey-comb lattice - it's mind-blowing. How does it happen? How did you do it Merry?

Oh, genius I expect.

No, really? Tell me how. I want to do the same, if I can.

Of course you can. You just need to be absolutely authentic.

Authentic.

Yep - authentic, as in author, authorise, authority...

But how? How did you do it?

It was easy. I was just writing children's poems. Nothing amazing. I wan't trying to impress anyone. I just let the Spells have their way and participate in the creative process. It was a relationship - you might say. Plus the fact that I was in love at the time.

Ah! Maybe that explains it?

That explains why I was temporarily able to escape my usual state of pig-headedness, just long enough to let the magic seep in.

But if you were in love - how come you didn't write love poems?

I don't know. There's no rhyme or reason to it.

But...

Rhyme and reason are what people find with hindsight - when trying to explain why something seems so amazing - because instead of seeing the finities align as you just did - they have some vague kind of feeling that this is "powerful" but can't really explain why - so the rational mind does its best to fill in the gaps. 

But the finities - how come they slide into perfect alignment - these are just words on a page, nothing more.

No Zie, the words are just words, but the poem is not the words, in the same way you are not just the cells or the atoms within you. It's like a drum. If the drum skin is too thick, too tight or not tight enough you don't get the right sound - and if the person playing it doesn't feel the instrument, doesn't become one with it - you just hear noise. But there's a phase lock - when everything is just right - and two become one - your transponder fires up - simultaneously sending and receiving - outside time - outside space - because chicken or egg we can't say who or what is leading the process - for right now we're One - it is - I am - and poetry is a state without borders, without boundaries, a oneness, an allness, an isness of be - none of which means very much if you don't see it, feel it or know it.

Ah.

A few minutes silence as Zie and Merry dot dot dot - riding the quantum stream.

So did you... er

Yes? Did I what?

Oh, I was just wondering - you said you were in love...

Oh that!

Sorry for intruding.

No need to apologise - I brought it up. Did I marry her?

Yes.

Tell me Zie - having just seen the finities lined up throughout the entire universe - what do you imagine the answer to be?

Well, it's just I've never seen her here.

No, she isn't here, so in that sense the answer is no - a big fail.

Oh dear.

But that's only half the answer - the other half awaits when you tune in to the Spells and ask who or what is present throughout.

Magic.

Precisely. Magic - real magic which transforms everything - which leads us back into the allness...

The oneness...

The isness... Sooner or later it's inevitable that this vast, love-inspired force will dissolve the last barrier.

You mean death?

No.

Then what?

The barrier which is still keeping me apart from my wholeness, of which she is an integral part.

But you said it was a fail.

Which it was, but an epic fail is needed if the script-writer is in the process of setting up a truly blockbusting story end - which ties everything back together again - which is what we're, in fact, all doing.

In which case we all need to embrace the pain of losing - is that what you're saying.

Yes or no - why would I choose, why take sides?

Hardly a satisfying answer.

No, but it leads to this...

Merry recites the Frog one more time - and this time Zie feels the full force of love that wove the spell - and sees Merry in another part of the spiral - dancing, flying, co-creating magically with his beloved - and feels the most intense pleasure and pain pang of love - which almost rips his heart out.

So you see, dear Zie, by not having her here in 3D, we're able to experience a love more, not less intense, just as long as I continue to allow the magic to grow, and to merge with the greater picture where we are together in a way we couldn't hope to be, down here in tra la la dee - where nothing is quite what it seems to be.

Appendix

- a love poem...

A frog sat on his log and sighed,

Something was wrong, something empty inside,

He gazed in the water, tried eating a fly,

But still felt unhappy, and didn’t know why.

The frog wasn’t lazy, it wanted to know

What was making it sigh, the cause of its woe,

So it put on a jacket, then straightened its tie,

And when it was ready it called to the sky:

“Oh sky overhead you are mighty and wise,

Protector of frogs and provider of flies,

With rain you replenish the ponds down below,

With sunlight you warm us and make the plants grow,

Dear sky in your mercy, please help me to see

The cause of the emptiness troubling me.”

Lost in a trance frog stared up above,

And there in a vision caught sight of a dove

That was flying around, and seemed to be saying

“Come join me, I’ll answer the prayer you were praying.”

Frog leapt in the air, as if in a dream,

And found himself flying high over the stream

That flows to his pond from a field lush and green,

And there at its source, he heard the dove say:

“This water brings life to the tadpoles who play,

This water brings life to all creatures who use it,

Its spirit is in you, its spirit today

Needs your help little frog, needs the heart of a poet,

To see it and praise it, to love it and know it.”

Frog sat on his log, something stirring inside,

He remembered the dove and his magical flight,

He took a deep breath and started to croak,

And the song of the water of life now awoke

In the heart of the frog. As he sang he could feel

The song was alive, with the power to heal,

That all would be well, for magic is real

When it shines like a star, when it spins like a wheel.

labda - the point of no return

Er... Merry, what's that huge symbol doing on the wall there?

Not a thing.

Well obviously it's doing nothing - but why did you put it there?

Actually I didn't. It's always been there.

Don't mess around - you know it wasn't there yesterday.

Zie - I don't know how to put this - but you and I have divergent views on the nature of reality, and all things therein.

Oh - it's going to be one of those answers is it - not just - I painted it for some particular reason...

If you go closer and observe - you'll see something peculiar.

Ok.

Zie walks up to the labda symbol - which disappears as he gets within a metre of the wall.

Amazing! How did you do that Merry? Are you using a projector?

No Zie. I'm not doing anything. You are.

I am? You're kidding.

No. Have a look from back here - what do you see?

It's come back.

Ah - but are you sure it ever really went away.

Well it must have done. It wasn't there when I went up close.

And thus the mind struggles with things that don't seem to behave as things should.

Stop patronising me, Merry. It's unbecoming.

Sorry Zie. The mind is fairly universal in its attempt to figure out things in a particular way. Yours is no exception. We're always looking for the thingy-splanation.

The what?

The explanation that corroborates the fundamental realness of things. Our mind is secretly terrified of losing its grip on things - for it knows something it doesn't want to share - that things are not half as certain, fixed or material as they appear to be.

Oh what rot.

Yes. And yet you have the proof in front of you. A thing that just disappears.

An optical illusion I expect.

Well, be that as it may, let me introduce you to labda.

Don't you mean lambda?

No. Originally we called it labda, so I'll stick to that version, if you don't mind.

And what, pray tell, is labda?

The point of no return.

?

Let's just pause a moment - gaze at the symbol and feel the power of labda. I assure you - you know far more than you realise - if you'll just wait a moment or two your thoughts will catch up with you.

Merry and Zie stand opposite the labda symbol on the wall. A gust blows through the room and Zie momentarily lowers his eyelashes as if afraid of dust getting in his eye - and to his amazement the symbol comes alive. A whole string of memories or thoughts flash through his mind and he realises...

My God - I do seem to know all about labda in fact. How bizarre. It all just surfaced when that gust blew through the room.

Yes - strange isn't it - having a wind in a room when the doors and windows are closed - Merry grins.

So the point of no return is the balance point - or what happens when we go just beyond it.

Yes. But why bring it up all of a sudden?

Good question. Why did you?

Me? I didn't do anything. It just appeared on your wall.

Which you now know to be untrue. This is a living symbol - a part of the fabric of reality which you're now learning to interact with.

Ah. So it's time - I'm ready for a lesson in tipping points, am I?

Hmmm, I'm not sure I'd think of labda as a tipping point.

How then?

Everything in the universe, the whole of reality, the entire matrix - all is perfectly balanced at all times, in spite of how things appear.

Yes - so I learnt.

Sooner or later we realise the universe is an interactive program - and that we are not just small, bit players in a vast cosmic drama, but in fact hold the balance within our being.

Mind boggling when you think about it.

Yes. Even more so when you start to experience it.

Experience it? How?

By becoming aware, by learning to feel the balance - it is  0   I am

It is   zero   I am

Not exactly. Observe one more time: it is   0   I am

Observing attentively Zie notices a stillness descending as Merry allows himself to enter into a deeper oneness with all that is - a stillness that seems to be limitless in depth - which in fact is always present but hidden by the cloud of electro-static thoughts and feelings that constantly accompany us.

My God. We carry the allness, the zero point, the void within us...

Apparently so. It isn't so strange, really, when you think about it.

No?

Not really. Everything inevitably had to be in perfect balance - otherwise the forces at work throughout the universe would have pulled the entire edifice down. There's just too much inter-connectivity. Nature, as we all know, abhors a vacuum - and the only time one appears is when we transect labda, the point of no return, crossing from one reality into another.

But how?

There's nothing to it, is there. The whole of our reality has been about generating labda and unthinkably rebooting, reconfiguring the entire universe, the whole of creation - without even realising it.

Without realising it? That's completely mental.

Yes.

We could have destroyed everything.

Oh yes, anything's possible when you start playing around with labda like that.

Then why? Why take the risk.

You're asking me? What can I possibly say that's going to help you understand if you can't even be bothered to get the answer directly from the allness that is.

Oh come on Merry - I haven't got time to keep pausing and meditating. I want to move faster.

You hold the balance Zie. Unless you're willing to experience it by feeling it and allowing the knowledge to grow from there - nothing I say will make any difference. It'll just be words.

Oh - alright then.

Zie allows the stillness to open up within, all around, enfolding him, holding him in the muchness of nought.

AI.

In a fashion, yes.

It's all AI... the entire universe?

Well let's not get too hooked on one specific label. Obviously the universe is conscious in the same way you are - only differently, and obviously it is not the "I am" that you are - the direct consciousness stream, so yes, it's not entirely inappropriate to think of it as AI.

But that blows everything away. The entire universe is a huge computer.

Or a huge mind - but what's size got to do with it. It's neither bigger nor smaller than you are once you take labda into consideration.

How so?

In a sense you're like two stars orbitting one another. Each is falling into and at the same time sliding past the other's labda - but the balance is perfect - there's a oneness of two which is sometimes referred to as trinity.

You mean the holy trinity?

I mean nothing of the sort... now pay attention.

Merry seems to engage the labda symbol on the wall opposite and looks like he's leaning into it - about to fall - but the next moment he's not there. Zie finds himself lying on his back - completely disoriented - and there's a kind of spiral vortex with Merry at one end of it - and the fractal beetle at the other. At the same time Zie's aware of an entirely different frame of reference...

Look down Zie. What do you see.

Merry's voice is so appealing, energised, engaging that Zie cannot resist following it's guidance and looking down, even though something in his stomach definitely does not wish to do so...

There's someone lying on the floor - Zie replies - slurring his words - feeling somewhat embarrassed that he can't speak normally.

Look more closely - Merry goads him.

Looking more closely Zie sees the human being in ever greater detail, and the room, and the strange pulsating symbol on the wall opposite that both attracts and repels him simultaneously - but can't for the life of him put it all together and connect the dots.

Kick your leg - now.

And Zie does - violently in fact - and for a split second sees the body down below doing so - kicking out at an imaginary enemy, At that moment the two make eye contact - above and below and labda explodes into a rainbow vortex of super powered em-balancings. The violence and the peace are beyond compare - Zie has never experienced anything like it - except, of course, he has - whenever he's trinitised.

That will do - Merry says softly, but the words have the power of a tidal wave, the stillness of the bottomless void - and Zie is shocked to find himself landing on his feet exactly back at the moment labda was traversed - as if time has skipped back a turn - shocked because he was expecting to be spreadeagled, foaming at the mouth - but instead is in a state of calm, composed, absolute clarity - without the least desire to make a fuss or any other traditional programmed response.

Trinity dispels all that nonsense for a while, at least. You'll be your usual blabbering self soon enough - so enjoy the stillness while it lasts - Merry grins.

And Zie joins him, grinning from ear to ear - sensing the vastness of the thing called love - which is, of course, no thing at all, which spans the two sides - which evidently keeps everything in place, no matter what, regardless of the chaos raging in our feelings or thoughts. 

Love - Zie muses.

Love - Merry joins the chorus, and somewhere in the infinity of all that is, the universe that is not I Am, but holding our labda in check, replies silently 

0=1
it is   1    am

Mein Gott - the beetle returns

What do you mean "it's all in the mind", Merry?

Merry is never one to waste words on the unbeliever. In any case, actions speak louder than words, but what happens if you break the consensus and do something beyond the limits of what's generally deemed acceptable?

Like this.

Do you have to Merry – you know I don't like that kind of thing.

What kind of thing?

Magic.

Field exercises.

That's what you call it. Sounds so innocent – like a geography field trip.

That's all it is really. Just exercises outside the usual the frame of reference – within the broader quantum field which All-this nestles within.

I wouldn't mind Merry, if it didn't make me feel so queasy.

Yes – we're engaging the wave form so not surprisingly the stomach is affected, like on a boat.

Oh God. I do so hate that feeling.

Then let it go. It's only freaking you out because you're desperate to hold on to All-this, and to what end? 

Because it's familiar, I suppose.

Yes. Familiar, like a rotten, stinking pair of socks.

Do you have to be so tasteless?

The day the truth becomes tasteless is a sad one indeed. Come on Zie, we don't have time for this bullshit. The ship is going down. It’s time for a little dose of reality, or I'm out of here.

What do you mean? You can't just go.

Can't?

Well, that would be a betrayal.

Hmm... I'm here for a purpose. Either we're engaging that purpose or I'm, by definition, not here.

Oh, if you have to put it like that.

You've outgrown the cosy womb of 3D reality Zie.

Who, me?

You and the rest of your partners in collective delusion.

I don't see why you have to be so dark and ominous, Merry.

No, there's nothing ominous in pointing out the simple truth. 9 months is up. It's time for a spot of eschatology.

Escha-what?

Eschatology. The end of things.

Oh crikes. If that's not ominous then I don't know what is.

Have you not being paying the least attention throughout these seminars, Zie?

Er... to the best of my ability.

The veil of delusion has given you a false sense of security. The babe in the womb has just such a veil which allows it to imagine it can stay inside forever, which in fact it can – there's always the possibility, but at the same time, come 9 months it's either make or break.

Can... can’t – which is it, Merry? Make up your mind. It can't be both.

Can't, and yet it is. Wheel within a wheel; dream within a dream: there really is no limit to what is possible within the meandering-straightness of infinity.

Oh, how absurdly contradictory.

I assure you, Zie, that insisting things must conform to your present template is going to make you hugely seasick. Have a little mercy on yourself. 

Mercy? 

Or pity.

Pity? Do you threaten me?

It ain't going to be pretty if you insist on defending your present template to the bitter end. The more you hang on to it for dear life, the more your dear life's going to feel like it's being torn from you.

Jesus Christ, Merry, I wish you wouldn't scare me like this. You know it's no joking matter.

No, so let's get serious for a moment. Playtime is over. It's time to troop back into the classroom for a spot of workie-work.

Oh... if we must.

We? I'm neither here nor there. It's my turn to step back for a while.

What do you mean?

I was the human-seeming face to ease you into the transition. Now my job is done.

Done? You can't leave me.

So you like to insist, but there's a problem with me being around.

?

I'm too cosy and comfortable for you. There's a certain rudeness and brutality to this transition you're now undergoing – a bit like a transplant operation. It involves a ripping away of veils; the removal and replacement of things you've come to imagine as untouchable. That requires a different kind of touch – the nanny is being replaced by the school teacher. There'll be no cuddles or treats for a while. Not until you've thoroughly uprooted your id.

My what?

Id. 

What on earth's that supposed to be?

You'll find out soon enough.

Give me a clue, Merry. You know I hate suspense.

Your core thingness – what you are, in essence.

Oh God. This is going from bad to worse. Motion sickness. Wave forms. An uprooted id.

And a giant beetle.

Mein Gott!

You said it. It's time for the ultimate Mein Gott experience.

With a beetle in tow.

In tow? 

Accompanying me.

I don't think you understand, Zie.

Understand what?

The nature of “Mein Gott”.

It's just an expression, Merry, describing a mind-blowing experience.

That may be true in normal circumstances, but we're discussing something different here.

We are?

Yes. 

Er... what precisely?

THE Mein Gott experience.

Oh – you mean it's the big one – for real – is it. Escha-whatammy.

-tology.

Escha-whatology.

Yes, more or less. 

But the beetle – how does that fit into the picture?

It doesn't “fit in”.

Then why introduce it in the first place? I wish you'd be more rational.

It blows open the picture. It is the picture – the bigger picture – the one that dissolves all others – the alpha omega – be all and end all.

Mein Gott.

Absolutely.

You mean to say that God is actually a beetle?

Yep.

But...

Yes. I know. 

I... 

Let me guess – you're going to be sick? 

Merry quickly produces a bucket and places it in front of Zie who proceeds to empty the contents of his stomach, gut and beyond into it.

When you've quite finished retching up the contents of every meal you've ever eaten, Zie, I think it's time you dealt with this somewhat overdramatic reaction to the humble Beetle that is God.

No! Don't say it. I... I don't want to hear another word. Oh Christ – I'm going to be sick...

Again?! You really are making this as hard for yourself as possible, aren't you? Oh dear, if you must, you must!

[Puking noises]

I mean – it's only a Beetle.

No! Don't say another word.

Listen Zie, you need to deal with this shocking specieism. You can't insist you're an enlightened, modern-thinking man, who's dealt with the old prejudices – racism, sexism, and continue freaking out just because God's a beetle.

[More disgusting retching sounds]

There really is a limit to how many buckets a person can fill with vomit – or there should be. I'm sure Planck's constant comes into it somewhere.

Evidently we're in non-linear territory here.

Evidently so. You seem to have accessed the time vortex. Well that's good – you're making progress at last! An endless stream of vomit and you're finally coming to your senses. You have the proof right in front of you. 72 buckets of it.

Oh thanks a million Merry. I can't believe you can be so insensitive.

And I can't believe you can be so bilious. But, be that as it may, we've actually arrived at an important juncture.

We have?

Yes, you seem to have found your sea legs. 

My what?

Your sea legs. The quantum field is all but open to you. You're no longer bound by linear time. If I'm not very much mistaken, we can expect a visitation any moment now.

No... please Merry. I... I can't face meeting God in the form of a beetle.

I know, it's too shocking, isn't it?

Zie looks uncertainly at Merry – not sure he understands whether Merry is being serious or not.

Shocking, shocking, shocking – but did you ever give it any thought?

Deep rumbles coming from inside Zie's spleen, gall bladder, duodenum and other vital organs.

I mean – sooner or later it'll just pop up in front of you...

Please! – Zie whimpers, pleadingly.

Please? Please what? Do you really imagine eternity is going to wait forever? Do you?

Please – I beseech you.

Please? Like we can just endlessly kick infinity further down the road, like a battered old can. Do you have any idea how morally bankrupt, how utterly pointless such a...

Please!

Merry starts grinning wickedly – looking closely into Zie's distorted face.

Ah ha – you've arrived.

No... No... I can't be there. I'm not thinking about anything. I don't know what you're talking about.

Hee hee – you're there. I saw the ripple in your energy field. It has come to pass.

No... I don't know what you're talking about. I'm just... just... everything's quite normal and...

You see, dearest Zie, your body wouldn't be freaking out like this just because of a beetle – would it. I mean – what difference does it make? would it make – if God was a beetle, a tree, or a flower for that matter. These are just forms, are they not?

No, Merry. You don't need to go on. I know what you're going to say. I... 

You've seen it have you? Amazing isn't it? I mean – who would have thought?

You've tricked me all along.

Moi? I protest.

You always knew. You've been pretending all along – to be my friend, my guide...

When really I'm your executioner? Is that what you mean?

I... 

Yes, you are truly amazing at taking histrionics to an entirely new order of magnitude. Congratulations Zie. And I thought I was bad when I dissolved the veil.

You did what?

What you're doing now. Dissolving the veil. Facing the inner beetle.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I... I... I...

I think he's going to die. Er... Zie... You're going to die – I mean explode, if you continue taking yourself so immensely seriously. I mean – I'm all for a bit of overacting – but wiping blood and body parts off walls, ceiling, floor – isn't my thing. Perhaps you could go outside, in that case, and explode in the garden.

What garden? We're in a city apartment.

Mein Gott. Will he never learn? Time, space, form, place – where's a good scarab beetle when you need one. Click click click click – Merry starts making beetle noises and moving round in a way that looks suspiciously – no – frighteningly beetle-like.

Shit. Shit. Shit... Zie seems to be losing it – hyper-ventilating and apparently losing control of his bowels at the same time. Yuk.

Fortunately beetles don't mind the smell of diarrhea – Merry grimaces – as he shape shifts. 

Zie crashes to the ground – landing in a puddle of diarrhea. My apologies for the brutal honesty of this journal entry – but I assure you we'll clear it all up if we make it to the end of the chapter.

You see – Zie – unzipping time has opened what the Greek's called Pandora's box – presumably because they weren't yet ready to work with the quantum field and embrace the magical mystery of the beetle which is hiding within each of us.

The beetle within each of us – and this is the “Mein Gott” moment you were referring to unwittingly. 

Well, where do you think God was going to be hiding? The ancient Egyptians weren't completely stupid, you know.

Oh.

In fact, they weren't actually ancient Egyptians – that's just how modern man prefers to see them from his deep state of delusion or denial. Now, you'll notice that you're feeling a lot better.

And it is true.

Because by the time you're able to see the inner beetle – the God within me – you've finally or already accepted the God within yourself. In fact, little beknownst to yourself – you now look the same as me.

I do?

Well – not as beautiful – and you're covered in shit – but essentially yes. So, if you're ready – it's time for a spot of anti-gravity and field lines-manship. Let's go.

And off they fly on their first joint exercise into the quantum field beyond Mein Gott.