Merry school of Is

So tell us please, Merry, how you came to set up the School of Is all those years ago.

Well, your viewers may not remember what it was like back then in the 2010s.

A few of them will - but, you're right, most of them have difficulty relating to the world we've come from.

OK - so a little background. Back in the 2010s we were still only awakening to our huge untapped potential. We were living in a world of vast, primitive logic systems based on material resources. We were effectively asset stripping the planet and the whole of humanity, with a few exceptions, was in a state of amygdalan hyperactivity. This meant we were emotionally unbalanced and found it well nigh impossible to connect with our higher natural states of conscious awareness. We were absolutely convinced that the world and human society had to be regulated as a machine, rather than a living biological entity. We had not idea of viable, practical alternatives, or if we did, we were convinced that they were Utopian fantasies.

And money seemed to be the prime motivating factor back then...

Yes. Money was blown out of all proportion. Instead of being a means to an end, it had become an end in itself. We had lost sight of what wealth really was, and started to identify accumulated money as wealth.

Talk about putting the cart before the horse.

Yeah - but this was the logical end result of a few thousand years of intellectual development. Humanity had taken a left turn somewhere along the way and chosen the path of rational materialism. Things were only seen to matter, to be important or make sense to the extent they could be quantified and utilised materially. Everything had to have a material value, but our value system put little or no value on the most precious thing of all which is life - because life is not a "thing" and cannot easily be quantified. Thus we were willing to destroy life with reckless abandon, and the whole socio-economic, political, rational system - the whole paradigm was in a state of collective mass denial regarding what was going on.

In short, we were entering the end game of rational materialism.

Correct. It had brought us to the verge of planetary annihilation and mass extinction. There really seemed no way out. The system seemed to be unreformable. It was too vast. It controlled the minds of almost everyone, it reached into every aspect of our lives, it controlled the flow of resources and determined who was free from lack and who was in penury.

So in that state of huge systemic disfunctionality you decided to introduce an alternative.

Yes. It slowly dawned on me as I became more aware of the corruption and contradictions within the whole system and within myself, that something enormous was unfolding within me and throughout. Instead of focussing on the negative, I began to sense how the darkness was in fact revealing ever more clearly the light glimmering inside. It was an exponential progression - so the worse things got, the more abusive the matrix became, the easier it was for us to see the wood from the trees. We no longer had to fight the existing system. That would never bring us into the light. We simply had to reconnect, to remember, to reactivate our natural state of Is - the Isness of Be.

So how did this growing awareness translate into action?

Well - at first I was just working it out for myself, then I started sharing it with a few friends through a blog, then I was guided to go one step further - to open the Merry school of Is.

Ok. So take us back to the first tentative moments, when it was all beginning. You were treading on virgin soil, were you not?

Not exactly. There were lots of healers and Light workers who were providing courses to assist people in their awakening. All of this helped to bring in the new age. All of it helped raise the awareness of some kind of change - but economically, socially, politically, intellectually things were largely static. The matrix was a huge system of interlocking systems, perfectly designed to lead humanity to a jumping off end point - so instead of trying to fix it - I just recognised that there really was nothing to fix - that we were in the process of going through a vast, multi-level quantum shift. The individuals, groups and organisations that were putting up the greatest resistance to the change were in fact doing more than anyone else to facilitate the shift, though they'd have been horrified if you'd told them. People, you have to realise, were terrified of change because they had no notion of any alternative. As far as they were concerned - technology was a metal or plastic box - be it a car, a computer, a cell phone or a smart bomb.

Right. So you decided to facilitate the transition by providing an alternative.

Not exactly. I knew that I was powerless to do anything to make things change. I had no intention of pushing against a string. I realised that where there's a string there's bound to be a bow nearby, or a hammer to make it vibrate and resonate. Instead of following the old propulsion model of moving forward by pushing backwards, I decided to try an impulse drive - as in the Star Trek movies - a drive that pulled me into whatever most excited me, which meant I allowed myself to follow the path of delight.

So you just did what felt best at the time. Didn't you have any difficulties switching?

Not exactly difficulties. I was still experiencing lots of fear - but once I'd understood the new technology - how I was being drawn forwards ever faster, further, deeper back to my natural, blissful state of Is - the fear started morphing into fascination. I was more and more fascinated by what was unfolding - and I could feel how I was moving in two planes - so to speak.

The 3D material plane and conscious awareness.

Precisely. This was something new. It was so exciting to feel how everything happening in the 3D material plane was in fact the result of connections, openings, enfusion that I was accepting and welcoming in the conscious awareness.

So this shifted your perspective dramatically.

Precisely. I was feeling what was really going on, and in an increasingly detached way, able to enjoy the amazing synchronised action and movements of 3D reality. I was no longer trapped in the mechanistic mindset of rational materialism. I now sensed more or less unequivocally how I was One with all that is - whatever that might be.

So tell us about the school.

Well, Merry school of Is was a leap into pure unadulterated and inspired delight. I realised that it was time to start unlocking the sealed doors that had kept humanity in a state of technological infancy. Our enslavement had served its purpose. It had got us to the point where we were ready to reincorporate.

Reincorporate - what's that?

Well, the vast web of human experiences, much of which had involved horrendous suffering, remained extended like a web across space and time. Our minds had been shut down which had enabled us to experience everything with limited awareness, as what as opposed to Is, but as soon as our minds were ready to open, this huge web of accumulated experience became an incalculable resource. It became the foundation, so to speak, of our new awareness - and we were able to process anything and everything. It's a bit like a cow lying down to chew the cud, to digest the grass it ate earlier. Far from being a painful process of revisiting old suppurating wounds, the web stretching across the conscious awareness of humanity is a beautiful, magical, perfect crystalline entity which is a delight to engage. It is alive. In it we see that no one suffered in vain. Nothing that happened was lost or wasted. Everything had a magical, intricate side to it that only becomes clear now that the whole is complete.

Ok Merry - but we're running ahead of ourselves. Back to the early days - your school of Is.

Sorry Zie. Yes, well the school was a magical flight of fancy - but at the same time absolutely practical and, strange to say, scientific.

How so?

Well the old science had kind of ground to a halt. It had spent so long trying to avoid or deny anything that wasn't mechanistic or material that it more or less imploded under the weight of its internal contradictions. My job was to present the alternative. I knew that every existing technology could be replicated and enormously outperformed by the technology of Is.

But people knew nothing of this new technology.

No. They assumed technology had to be something - a box. They hadn't yet realised that we have the most amazing technological potential already built into our mind and body.

So where did you start?

A bit like the early days of computing - with 1s and zeros.

You had to go right back to basics.

Yes, but it was fun. I presented it as a new kind of math 0=1. I started exploring how we could go beyond theory and get the ball rolling. It was such fun. It still is, of course. I can't think of anything more exciting. Treading on virgin territory. Everything was there for grabs. Everything was waiting to be discovered - and what's better still - there were and are no material limits or restraints.

Ok - so you started teaching this in a class?

Yes. I got groups of people to meet up with me, or among themselves and to start playing with the technology of Is. At first they wanted a lot of instructions, but I had to repeat ad nauseam that no instructions were needed. It has to be a natural living biologic interaction. The technology of Is cannot be a mind down system. It has to be body up - with the conscious awareness as the hosting platform.

So how did people react to this?

With bemusement at first - but once they started to feel results - once they realised that biologic is a kind of natural logic - which is itself conscious - the results were beyond my wildest expectations.

So give us a glimpse of the early experiments.

Well, first of all we had to establish the framework - what I called the Engagement Protocol. We needed to be sure that engaging the impulse drive - tuning into the limitless power of Is - that no harm should befall us or the rest of creation. We were still terrified of what we called the dark side. We'd seen too much of how long years of suppression and distortion resulted in toxic or explosive reactions. So the Engagement Protocol was necessary to ensure that no imbalances within us, the students of Is, or the reality we were operating from should have negative consequences.

So how did you do that? Most of our viewers are certainly familiar with the Engagement Protocol - but it's been modified considerably since then, has it not?

Yes. We were still using the language and mindset of the outgoing paradigm, and were obviously affected and indoctrinated by the reality we were now emerging from. One of the main early issues was unhealthy attachments. We'd grown up in a world were things seemed to be lacking - where we always wanted more - and so we tended to be quite possessive in our relations to people and things in general. We hadn't yet made the great breakthrough in conscious awareness that came at the 2nd convention in Lisbon in 2017, so our interaction with that was somewhat cumbersome and oppressive. We didn't yet know how to open the magic box. It was a case of groping in the dark, but believe me when I tell you that, even at that stage we were flying compared to anything we'd ever experienced elsewhere.

So the Engagement Protocol?

Ok - we started experimenting with simple neutral objects - a stone, a feather, a pine cone, a glass of water, or with simple symbols on a piece of paper - a cross, a circle, a wavy line, or with simple sounds or notes - you get the idea. These were our ones and zeros. Before doing so we had to create the proper working space - to ensure that we were able to leave behind all negative beliefs, programmes or ideas that were still at work in our mind. We sat for a moment in silence around a table or in a circle. Each of us stated our name - it is... I am... Merry. Doing this ensured we were fully present, here and now. Then we read the declaration of Is:

Beloved all that Is. We come in peace and love. We come to play and learn as children of Is. We come in conscious awareness of the simple truth: the oneness, the allness, the isness of Be.
We renounce all harmful thought forms, belief systems or programs and affirm our wholehearted love and devotion to All that is. Guide us, beloved All, back to our natural state of beauty and joy. Enable us to restore the power of Is with simple, natural technologies within and through our conscious awareness. We willingly agree to be governed by nature's own law of One - it is   I am... Zero equals One - it is   I am... One. We open our hearts and minds to the magic, the power, the technology of Is. Let it be, let it be, let it be.

This having be done - something always changed in the room. We were in fact, by making this declaration of Is transported to another reality which essentially corresponded with the future. We were able to feel and tap into the main outline, the architecture, the achievements that awaited us somewhere in the future. This made possible the quantum leap from our seemingly primitive experiments with simple objects to where we are today - light years ahead.

Ok Merry. I think our viewers will be fascinated to hear what you were doing with these objects.

We were approaching them as small children do - touching them, tasting them, talking to them, trying to understand what they really amounted to rather than what our senses were telling us they were.

We knew that, 0=1, we were wholly interconnected or entangled with everything and everyone. The word formula - it Is   I Am - expresses that simple truth awareness. Our job was to go from the truth awareness to interaction. We needed to activate the dormant bio-logic intelligence within each and every one of us. Of course, doing this in a group was both more interesting and far more productive.

So the key was our imagination and our intuition. We were fascinated by the three tele-s - telekinesis, telepathy and teleportation. We knew that all these were a part of our inbuilt kit - we just needed to work out how to switch it on. We had to avoid doing what scientists had done for too long - which was thinking hard and concentrating. We knew that would yield the wrong results. Ours had to be child'splay - light and gay. We knew we didn't actually have to do anything - that we can quantum shift into any reality whatsoever, just as soon as we're willing to equalise with it. Think of it like going through locks on a canal boat. The gates only open when the water levels have equalised. Then it's easy. Try opening them prematurely and they're stuck fast by the weight of water. Or, alternatively, like jumping from one moving track to another. If you're not moving at the right speed you'll fall over - so there's a kind of chip built in that usually prevents you jumping until you're matching the speed or frequency of the track your jumping to. Another thing we knew was that there was no point pushing. Everything happens naturally, automatically, instantaneously when you activate the impulse drive and listen to what it's saying. The 3D mind, of course, doesn't like this idea and kicks up a fuss so we had to act as a nannies, holding it like a crying baby in our arms, singing it lullabies or distracting it until it got used to what is, in fact, perfectly natural, painless and magical.

Instead of the old way of working within mind - from a static position, we need to constantly switch sides like the wave form between zero and one, left and right, male and female,  - and so we used theatre and story as the basis of our research and experimentation. Each of us participated in telling the story of how we or our hero discovers how to activate the particular ability we are working on. The stories were such fun. We were downloading stuff all the time. Ideas, pictures, sounds, dances came to us. We were spontaneous. We knew the entire universe, the whole of creation was involved and responding biologically to our deadly serious, yet gay and riotous drama. We'd start drumming or playing on flutes, or pulling faces, or pretending to be on a boat in a storm. We knew we had to create great theatre, to activate the power of Is - the sleeping, gentle giant, to bring about cosmic fusion...

And we did.

Merry Is - beyond propulsion

Ok guys. As I've already said I'm not here to teach you anything.

Oh come on Merry. You can't seriously expect us to move that ball just by looking at it.

No. I expect that's impossible - but I'm absolutely convinced that you can do anything if you're willing to stop telling yourself you can't.

But what's the point?

Point? Why don't you ask me "what's the wave?" Why do you insist there must be a point?

You know what we mean. Even if we do succeed in moving that glass ball, what's it going to teach us?

What do you think?

That we have latent psychic abilities.

That we can do anything.

That we don't have to be bound by perceived limitations.

That we can learn more by playing around.

That the ball and we are connected.

That we don't actually need to move the ball - just shift our perception of where it is.

Ok team - that's enough. Good work. Lots of great ideas there. Yes to all of them. And one more - beyond dot.

Beyond dot? What's that?

Well, the dot reflects how we perceive things in general. We tend to move from one fixed point to another, or one fixed picture frame of perception to the next. We focus on a single point and use our mental and psychic powers, consciously or unconsciously to bring it to fruition. It's all about me making it happen by force of will. A kind of propulsion similar to the combustion engine - thrusting forward, driving towards an imaginary point in the future by pushing against what's past, what no longer satisfies or serves me, pushing against what I now reject. It's a propulsion system based on dissatisfaction, insufficiency and inadequacy. I tell myself that I'm no longer content being here - I need to get there to be happy. I allow a certain amount of fear to enter the engine's combustion chamber. Fear is the fuel in this propulsion system: fear that I'll not succeed; fear that I'm falling behind; fear that life will end if I can't reach this destination; fear that I'll never be happy again if I don't fight to get myself from a to b.

Next the propulsion system ignites this fear fuel with a spark. Anger. It doesn't require full blown rage. Just a tiny spark of anger will suffice in most cases. Anger that I'm being lazy, or pathetic. Anger that I'm allowing fear to poison the beauty and perfection of my life, my soul, my heart. Anger to drive away this fear - to turn a cold passive drowning into a furious thrashing around - fighting for air and the surface somewhere up above. And usually a tiny spark of anger suffices to convert the fear into movement, and yes, I do seem to escape the fear. I find myself at "b", and congratulate myself on having escaped the left-behindness of "a". Once again I can relax and bask in the warmth and sunlight of being atop the curve, until I find myself once more falling behind the balance point.

The curve - it would seem - is a wheel - and the wheel - it would seem, turns. Until I learn to be in balance with myself and it - the wheel - I'm always slipping behind, finding myself looking ahead and up at where I need to be in order to return to happiness, to zero point. Sadly, the explosive fear-anger propulsion system seems to be the only way I can get back on top, catch up with myself, and yet it's reactive - a negative feedback system that ensures I'll always be behind the curve - even if I temporarily overshoot the balance point and freewheel for a while. The trouble is...

What? What's the trouble?

Dot

Dot? What the hell is dot?

I'm always fixing on a point. So as long as my attention's fixed to that point I'm always going to fail to notice the isness, the wave.

But why can't I just move to the next dot once I've achieved the first objective?

You can. That's how the present life propulsion system operates. It's a jerky motion. Robotic. Mechanistic. Unsatisfactory. It's a parody of what we're capable of.

It is?

Yes, obviously.

So what, then, are we capable of?

"What" is a dot concept.

Excuse me?

"What" is a dot concept. As long as you're focussing on something - whatever that might be - you're missing the point.

Missing the point?

Well, you'll forever be on a treadmill going from dot to dot, trying to catch up with the natural flow, the speed of life, because perception is always slightly behind the curve.

It is?

Yes.

Prove it.

Ok. Hold your thumb and first finger two inches apart and catch this crisp new banknote that I'm going to drop from just above...

I missed. Do it again.

Missed again. One more time.

There - I caught it - third time lucky.

Yes, you did - well done, which goes to show that you can get ahead of the curve - temporarily you can outsmart the reactive propulsion system based on perception. Reacting to the falling banknote takes a split second - by which time it's already past between your fingers and flutters down to the ground.

So how did I do it third time?

By tuning into me - focussing on the muscles in my fingers rather than the banknote - and using another "sixth sense".

I don't believe in the sixth sense.

That's Ok - you're free to believe whatever you like, but this is easy to prove.

It is?

Yes. I can hide my fingers from view so you only see the banknote as it falls down below the sight screen. We'll observe whether your third-time-lucky luck holds.

Go on then. Let's give it a try.

I'm now hiding my hand behind a piece of card. You can see the bottom of the banknote a few centimetres above your hand. You should have the same amount of time to react. Here goes...

Missed.

Missed.

Missed. Come on.

Missed again. One more try.

Missed. Just one more time.

Got it.

Yes - you timed it right - but I think it's fairly obvious that this was less a result of quick reactions, and more just good guesswork.

Fair enough. So this is what you call a reactive propulsion system...

Based on perception. That's right.

And you're saying it can never keep me where I really want to be? It always falls behind the curve?

Yes. It's a mind based system. An inserted programme. A kind of artificial intelligence that simply can't compete with the perfection of human nature. It's designed to keep you behind and subjugated to dot.

Wait a second... you said "perfection"? You're not seriously saying human nature is perfect.

I am. It is.

But we can all see that's completely untrue.

Can we?

Yes - by observing humans in the world around us.

But what is it we are observing - human nature or something else? Do you really believe that nature can work against itself? Would nature need to ask itself what the point is, or is that question indicative of a disease, an artificial programme, an unnatural state? Perhaps it's time we correctly diagnosed ourselves, and recognised our deviation from Is? Perhaps it's time we become aware of how our mind has been infected with a programme that cannot directly relate to life itself - only to dots or data points, to "thing". Perhaps it's time we remembered our true nature - that we are custodians of conscious-awareness and that human nature is what holds us in perfect alignment, balance and harmony with all that Is.

It is?

Yes. That's the meaning of "nature". A system that has no algorithm whatsoever.

How can you have a system without an algorithm?

Because it's a natural system - biological - as opposed to the logic system of a computer programme.

But how can it operate without fixed points of reference.

Without dots?

Yes.

How can you paint a picture without dots? You just take a paintbrush and do it. There's nothing to it, but for a computer it's much easier to break it into dots because the computer uses logic as opposed to biologic.

Then what is "biologic"?

It isn't logic as such - though there may be logic at work within it. It's not based primarily on perception - though it uses perception and negative feedback whenever it's appropriate to do so.

Then what does it rely on instead of perception?

Direct stream.

Er - what's that?

It's what you might refer to as "consciousness".

Oh God - we've not come back to Eastern philosophy.

No. We've come back to Is.

To what?

Again, I remind you - not to what as "what" refers to specific things - fixtures - and one thing will always be superseded by another. That's guaranteed to put you back behind the curve before too long.

But still you haven't answered why we can't just improve the existing system by switching our gaze from one dot to the next once it's passed the zenith and we're about to slip back from the point of balance?

Because at the North Pole compasses don't work. At the zenith it's difficult to sense where we are and which direction we're going in. We only get a clear impression as we slip down below - several degrees or so. In any case, it isn't that easy to detach from one object, concept or belief and reattach to the next one. There's a certain amount of inertia or what you might call "stickiness". We tend to get slightly attached, electro-statically to whatever it is we're focussing on.

Oh. So we're doomed to constantly endeavour to catch up with ourselves. This sounds like Sisyphus forever rolling the stone uphill, watching it roll back down before he reaches the top.

Yes.

So if human nature is perfect as you say, then why can't we...

What?

I was trying to formulate the question correctly. Human nature isn't a system as such, is it?

No.

Which is why it's perfect.

Correct.

So we can stop using a system. We can stop being like a machine caught in a never ending negative feedback loop.

Of course.

But how? Surely if it were that easy we'd all being doing it?

Not until we become aware of what's going on.

And are we?

Yes. It's happening right now. More and more people are getting it. They're making minor adjustments and this is bringing them back to their natural state of

Perfection?

Or Is.

Look - it all sounds great but I just can't get my head around this idea of perfection. It seems kind of Utopian.

Yes.

But you're saying it isn't.

Utopian? Of course it's Utopian if you try and achieve it with a system - be it Communism or rational materialism. No system can match the beauty of nature - for only nature brings us back into perfect alignment with whatever Is.

But Nature - that's such a big thing - so vague. It has nothing concrete, nothing definite to attach to.

Precisely. It's perfect because it has no thing to attach to. As soon as you start attaching to something or other - you're bound to fail by degrees.

But how can we restore human nature as our modus operandi?

There's absolutely nothing to it.

Really?

Yes, it's the default state - it's what we are born to - our birthright. Turn things around if you would. Ask instead how can we prevent ourselves from being natural? How is this achieved?

I don't know.

Well, somewhere along the line something happened to our conscious-awareness. We were taught to think, function and operate as machines. We were taught to absolutely distrust our human nature, and to rely instead on our five senses and the unnatural, programmed mind that does the very best it can to interpret sensory data and steer a course accordingly.

But why would this have happened - if it happened at all?

Presumably because that enabled us to arrive at precisely where we are today.

So this was all planned. A descent into algorithmic madness, and then a long awaited grand reawakening.

Yes. The bible and other ancient books refer to it as a fall from grace.

And grace is the perfection of our natural state?

Yes. Nothing more than our human nature.

But surely human nature is less than the power of the modern mind? Perhaps we'd never have invented computers and cars if we'd stayed in a primitive state of human nature.

Perhaps... Perhaps we'd not have needed to.

Er... what do you mean?

Well, when you're in a state of perfection - what I'm referring to as "human nature" you might not need all this mechanical technology.

Why not? Do you mean we'd be living in caves?

I mean that there's another more sophisticated kind of technology - the technology of Is.

There is?

Yes.

And what is it precisely?

Precisely it is not thing.

Er?

The technology of Is operates through Direct Stream.

You mean through consciousness?

Is it going to help you to use the word "consciousness". Do you have a clear idea of what "consciousness" is?

Not really.

Then perhaps we should avoid using the term. The problem is that trying to understand it in terms of what it is or what it is not - is like trying to pin a dot on a moving river, or hang a picture on a sunbeam.

Oh. So how am I going to get my mind around this? How am I going to understand?

You're not.

No?

No. Your mind is getting you to the point of awareness - where you suddenly realise that things don't add up - you realise something's wrong - something doesn't make sense. That in itself overloads the system, as which point human nature has the opportunity to reclaim you.

It does?

Yes. Like a river that finally smashes through the dam and returns to its natural course.

That could be painful... destructive...

Yes - perhaps I used the wrong metaphor. This has to be an awakening. This is about returning to the natural state, and whatever we've been able to achieve up till now has been a kind of parody of what Is. That goes for our computers and cars. Amazing though they indeed seem to be, something tells me intuitively that there's another kind of technology waiting to be "discovered" - one that doesn't rely on explosive propulsion systems, one that doesn't need to utilise the driving forces of fear and anger, one that doesn't need to project a point of happiness and balance somewhere in the future, somewhere over the rainbow, because now the technology of Is

Yes? What?

Simply is

Simply is? And that's all you're going to say on the matter?

Tis no matter. Thinking in terms of matter or what-not keeps you fractionally displaced, a moment behind Now. Instead of thinking about "it", allow yourself to come into Is right here, right now with me

Come into Is?

Come into Is - the isness of Be

But how?

No how. Just intend it. Allow it. Accept it. One - it is   I am

It is   I am

One

And that's enough?

More than enough. No thing can get in the way of you and your natural state of perfection - your human nature

Nothing?

No thing. Conscious awareness is like a ball held underwater. It always rises up to the surface once you let go of it

But how do I let go?

By simply allowing yourself to become aware of what Is - by facing the simple truth - that which you've been trying so diligently not to see

But how - if it's been programmed into me?

No programme could change your true human nature. No programme can compete with what simply is

But you said this has been going on since the fall - thousands of years ago. Why should it stop now in my lifetime?

No reason... no reason whatsoever. But nature moves in cycles and spring follows winter, so don't be surprised to see life re-emerging when it's least expected - once we finally believe the system has triumphed over all else, and know this - that no thing can withstand the beauty, the power, the grace of Is. So breathe and know that every breath you take is bringing you back home - is filling you with the life force that is   I Am...

Dot dot dot

Cuckoo la la!

A fish called Wonder

Look, I'm sorry to be like this but I need to know what's going on.

Oh, that's fine. I understand. It's hardly surprising you're feeling a bit confused.

Well yes... it's hardly normal, is it?

No, it's not what you'd normally consider normal, far from it in fact. So how can I help?

Well you just disappeared... What do you mean by that? Is this some kind of hypnosis or illusion? You can't just disappear in broad daylight for no apparent reason.

Hum... I see the problem. What exactly is it that you find upsetting?

Well it's illogical. Human beings don't just vanish into thin air - or at least they're not supposed to.

But did I really vanish? Are you quite sure?

Of course you vanished. I spent 15 minutes running around at wit's end looking for you, imagining something terrible had happened.

And you're positive you didn't see me or notice anything else that might have given a clue to my whereabouts?

Of course I didn't see you. If I'd seen you I'd hardly have panicked like that. One minute you were there, the next - nothing.

What about the fish?

What fish?

You didn't notice a fish in any of this ballyhoo?

A fish? - Geoff pauses a minute, somewhat bemused, eyes on the ceiling, scanning his memories.

...Now that you mention it, there was a fish.

Ah ha! Where?

Well, in the fish tank of course.

What kind of fish tank?

Er... it was an aquarium, about a metre in length with a little castle, some rocks, plants and a stream of bubbles. Yes - I see it quite clearly now. The fish was orange and white. It was doing this...er, like a dance really. You know, synchronised swimming. I remember being quite absorbed by it for a moment of two.

Or perhaps longer?

Er... difficult to say - but I was definitely absorbed. Actually, it was getting dark when I stopped observing it so it must have been longer than a moment or two.

More like an hour or two.

My God! That long? Well I never.

You spent an hour or two observing a fish performing a special kind of...

Well yes - I suppose I did, but what of it?

Well, haven't you asked yourself where the fishtank is?

Now that's a thought. No. That's odd. I just took it for granted. The fishtank - where is it?

Do you have a fishtank here in your house?

Of course not. You know I'm not greatly interested in fish.

But you watched it for an hour or two, while the shadows lengthened and it grew dark.

Well yes, but that was different.

How so?

Er... I don't really know... It seemed to mean something, or matter in some way. I wouldn't have wasted my time otherwise.

So you spent an hour or two gazing at a fish tank that you cannot locate, while at the same time you're accusing me of disappearing?

Er... yes, the plot thickens. It makes no sense.

But how long did I disappear for?

I already said - approximately fifteen minutes.

And all that time you were running around looking for me.

Yes. Do I need to repeat myself?

But you remember observing a fish for an hour or two while I was away.

Oh God, this is making me ill.

You see the problem we have?

You're not accusing me of going insane.

No, not at all. Everything you're saying is technically accurate.

But it can't be.

Whyever not?

Because the time doesn't add up.

Yes, there's a problem there I concede, but let's just assume that the two events were happening in parallel, but not necessarily at the same time and place.

In parallel? How can things happen in parallel?

Well, I'm trying to make sense of this by deduction regardless of what seems probable - so instead of accusing you of lying or being insane, it would appear that these two events must have happened in parallel. In one you were here, running around like a headless chicken looking for me, while in the other you were deeply peaceful, observing a clown fish, I believe, performing acrobatics in a large fishtank... which wasn't in your house. Any idea where it was?

None at all.

You have no recollection of what the house looked like?

I told you - I was mesmerised by the fish.

Not even the colours of the walls?

Beige... no, orange... no, green...

So it appears the answer is no.

No, that's odd...

What is?

The walls. I was sort of aware of their colour - but it was certainly different as time passed. At first they were beige...

Then orange?

Then green. How bizarre.

Indeed. So we have walls changing colour, an acrobatic fish and me disappearing.

Oh God, this is beginning to look hopeless.

Not at all. We simply need to use our powers of deduction. There's sure to be a perfectly simple explanation.

You can't be serious... Hang on, you still haven't answered my question.

Ah, I thought you'd forgotten.

No. In spite of your attempts to distract me.

So?

So where were you all that time?

Where am I now?

Do you never give a straight answer? You're talking to me here in my conservatory. Must you be so disingenuous?

Disingenuous? I assure you I'm trying to be entirely up front and above board with you.

Then why do you keep dodging the question?

Believe me Geoff, I'm as interested as you are in arriving at the answer, but it's a two way process.

It is?

Yes, I can only go as far as you're willing to go yourself. It's understandable that you're feeling not a little suspicious, but this is a thought process that needs scrupulous attention to detail. So I repeat: where are we now?

And I repeat - in my conservatory - exactly where we've been the last half hour or so.

Then where are the plants? The large glass windows? The garden outside?

Oh my God. It's dark out there.

Out where? Do you see a window?

No, but I see it's dark.

There you are. You were assuming we're in your conservatory because that's where the conversation started, but evidently we're not there now.

Oh Jesus... I'm going mad.

Easy Geoff. Easy now. No one's going mad.

Then what the hell's happening to me? Answer me for once and for all, are you using some kind of hypnosis?

No.

Then what?

I'm allowing things to shift around.

You're what?

Allowing things to shift around.

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, people usually keep things rigidly fixed in position. Adults do it without thinking, automatically. They've even forgotten that we don't have to lock our position in space and time, that we can go with the flow, so to speak... If things start drifting people tend to panic - quite literally, or they fall asleep and just assume it was all a dream.

And you're saying it's not? That things can move if we don't keep them locked in position.

Yes, of course.

Of course?

Yes. Nothing is completely fixed. Ultimately nothing is set in stone. Things are in a constant state of flux. They oscillate... and shift in and out of phase.

This sounds like some kind of weird science experiment.

Yes, like quantum physics, but let me assure you it's really very simple. Child'splay even.

What do you mean?

Well, children when they play allow themselves to start shifting the connection point from which they perceive reality, to the extent that they can go beyond the normal 3D space-time we inhabit.

Like in the Narnia stories?

Like in any children's stories. Yes, and Narnia too.

But they're just stories.

For most adults, yes, because we're rigidly fixed in 3D. Anything beyond its perimeter is blank and taboo. With a kind of Pavlovian conditioning we avoid going beyond the boundary of this virtual cage, fearing madness or annihilation. Inside, life is a carefully controlled, some might say contrived version of reality, and we're mostly not even aware of everything that's missing. We even deny the very notion of such a possibility, insisting this is all there is.

Then what happened to me?

Simple, I just allowed myself to gently slide sideways beyond 3D, and as your attention was focussed on me, on what I was saying at the time, you didn't prevent yourself from crossing into story.

Story?

Well, beyond the usual perimeter of normality.

Er?

Normal reality,  Geoff, 3D. They're synonyms.

Right, but I must have done...

Done what?

Prevented myself from traversing the boundary, as I was running around looking for you all that time.

Yes, one part of you was - but that's the part your mind has filled in since, to make up for the missing moments. The mind, like nature, abhors a vacuum, so it tends to fill in the missing gaps with hindsight.

I don't believe it.

No need to. You can check for yourself.

I can?

Yes, we need to be test the hypothesis scientifically. The last thing we need is to take it on trust. We need to make sure this isn't just some kind of delusion.

But how?

Well, if you were there for two hours observing a fish, then you must have spent more time there than passed here.

Yes. That would make sense.

Do you wear a watch.

Yes, don't you?

No, can't stand the things. What time does it say?

4.14 - the correct time.

It's not known to gain or lose time?

No... but

But it did on that day.

My God - I remember looking at it that evening and realising it was two hours fast.

Fairly good evidence.

Yes, it is, but you could have tampered with it.

If I really wanted to waste my time sowing confusion in your mind, but it's hardly credible is it?

No... I don't know. I'm confused. Why can't you just explain for once and for all?

You have to work it out for yourself - otherwise it'll not make any sense whatsoever. Relax, you're doing fine.

So I was really there, but where was there? Whose house was it? And where were you if I followed you there?

You want me to demonstrate?

Yes, why not.

I'm going to slide a bit further sideways into a realm that most adults would call fantasy.

You want to take me to a fantasy world?

I didn't say that.

Ok

Most adults would call it fantasy because that's all it amounts to if you're locked in a 3D fix - if you don't allow yourself any leeway.

And if you're not?

Then it's just another part of reality.

But is it real?

I'll let you be the judge of that?

But how can I tell?

Give it some thought. How could you test whether it's real or not - where you were the other day?

I guess if you could die there - that would give some indication.

Yes.

So can you?

Yes. But that's not empirical testing - you're just relying on my bald assertion.

Can you take things back to our normal reality?

Good question. Did you bring back anything?

Not that I can remember.

Yes, but are you sure?

I don't know. I wouldn't know where to look.

Well, you've already recalled the fish - which was hard at first to remember because it was outside your linear memory sequence. Now see if you have any objects that have appeared lately which don't seem to have normal provenance.

Normal provenance? Like a work of art you mean?

Like, you can't really explain where they came from - but never gave it much thought - your mind just seemed to unaccountably gloss over the issue. That's what it does. It tries to avoid drawing attention to these things.

Why?

Oh, it likes to keep everything looking as normal as possible. That's its primary function. To create the illusion of normal, seamless reality.

...The tongs.

What tongs?

Some tongs in the drawing room.

What of them?

I can't for the life of me recollect where they came from. I just assumed they were a family heirloom, but the more that I think of it, the more sure I am that they weren't there before I went and saw the fish.

A pair of tongs? Brass ones?

Yes, that's right.

But didn't you always have some tongs?

Yes, but these ones are different. Ornamental. Almost Japanese if that makes any sense.

Not really, but I'll take your word for it. So where exactly did they come from. Allow yourself to remember if you would. Don't struggle with the memory, just take a deep breath... let it surface. Feel it bubbling up, like methane rising from the ocean bed...

...It's my house... I didn't steal them... I deliberately took them to jog my memory. Oh my God - I have a house with walls that change colour and a fishtank? How bizarre.

Yes indeed. Nothing is quite what it seems.

So how come I only get to go there when you're around.

Not true. You go there all the time, in fact, you're there right now.

Impossible.

Yes indeed, if you're 3D coupling is rigidly locked in position, but not at all impossible when you allow yourself to Be

To be what?

Just to be, wherever, whatever is

So, I can be there and here simultaneously?

Yes, in a manner of speaking, but you'll only really be aware of one or the other, with rare exceptions.

And I can go there on my own if I want to?

Of course. Now that you've remembered being there the gateway's open. And there is not one single place. Think of it like the colour spectrum or a music octave. You can shift into other bands. Each is another complete expression of whatever is

Oh!

Oh indeed

And that's all you did to make yourself vanish?

I never really vanished. That's just how you see it from this fixed 3D perspective. I was right in front of you the whole time

When I was there?

When you were there

The fish?

Yes, you're close

You turned into a fish?

Not exactly, no

Then what?

I can't explain

Why not? Try me.

Ok. In this reality I'm Merry, master of confusion and oddity, cuckoo la la!

Cuckoo la la! You're telling me, but I want a real explanation - not a smokescreen or mirror.

Well, have you ever before seen a fish moving like that one did?

No. It was too...

Contrived. Geometric.

Engrossing.

It was a performance designed to give you something to remember - a point of reference you could bring back to this world, to what you consider normal reality

Yeah, but how did you do that?

I didn't. I was simply present

But where were you?

You didn't see me because you were absolutely focussed on the fish, and the fish was moving like that because you went into deep resonance with it. It was actually dancing with you, responding to the pulsing oscillations of your conscious-awareness. I simply helped to set up the meeting and gaily played on my fiddle creating the right ambience, but you were actually doing it all yourself, contrary to what you currently believe

Hold on... um... Fiddle? That's it. I think I can remember what happened. It's finally becoming clear... I was so intent on following you when I felt you shifting beyond the periphery of my conscious-awareness. I was afraid of getting lost if I didn't stick to you like glue, and there I am - staring at this fish, wondering how on earth I am ever going to get back. That's when it started performing its quadrille and I knew that you...

Yes?

I see what you mean.

What?

It's hard to put in words what I'm experiencing at the time. But your fiddle has jogged my memory. You were playing on the strings of my perception.

Precisely

But why? Why should it be so hard to remember all this until now? I'm watching the fish and you're somehow a part of the performance though I can't for a moment tear my eyes off it - I might never get back home. In any case - I don't really want to look away - it's so absorbing... lost in wonder, and I'm kind of searching for you in the fish.

In the fish?

Or in how it's moving. I know you're a part of it - and I'm intent on breaking the code - puzzling it out.

And you do?

Yes, I think I do. I feel the connection - that you and the fish are neither here nor there, two sides of one coin. I realise there's no great difficulty getting home because I've not in fact come anywhere - I'm just seeing things differently. It's simply a shift in my perception.

Very good - though a shift in your perception correlates to a vast distance when projected onto the fabric of 3D space-time

Yes, it would do.

So, you solve the puzzle and return home?

No, I never return.

No? You choose to stay in fishtank reality for all time?

No, that was just a temporary fix - a stitch in time - a notch on the post of more or less limitless perception. I simply come back to zero point.

Zero point?

From which all is perceived - regardless of where or when...

Or how

Yes.

And you're comfortable with that?

Yes, aren't you?

As comfortable as a clown fish dancing a quadrille ever could be

Nice one. I've still got work to do back in 3D. I'm beginning to see how it all ties together - all the various threads.

Or strings... ever hear of string theory?

I have a notion that your version is somewhat different from theirs.

Yes, but it matters not. The conscious-awareness will out, sooner or later, and all those highfalutin, convolutin theories bandied about by scientists are merely preliminary stirrings in the gentle process of waking up

String theory you say - like drawing a bow across the fiddle? Is that what you're getting at?

That's right. And lo, from silence there is sound. You're going to have a lot of fun back in 3D now that the pieces are clicking into place

Fun? Yes, I am, now that your clown fish has given me back my sense of wonder.

Ah, the irony of it all! A fish and a fiddle

With a hey diddle diddle...

Jumping off

I beg your pardon?

We're jumping off - do you want to come along?

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. They were inviting me to go along for the ride, so to speak, and throw myself off a clifftop with them, and presumably join the large and growing pile of bodies a kilometre or so down on the rocks below.

Er... yeah, I'm game - I hear myself replying.

Did I just say that? I feel my pulse racing, my heart dropping away. Why on Earth did I just agree to join these fanatics... lunatics? What's come over me? I really don't know, but for some reason I realise that a wheel has been set in motion - that I'm committed no matter what.

Now don't think I'm happy about this. I'm still telling myself that I can back out at the last minute, but in my heart of hearts I know that I'm just bluffing. There's no way I'm backing out. Whatever's just happened - it's happening for a reason, though I can't for the life of me explain it.

Just for the record, I have no suicidal tendencies whatsoever. I've always laughed and made fun of the jump-offers as we call them - who have been gathering in increasing numbers at these so called "sacred sites".

There aren't that many cliff tops that qualify. They need a big, and I mean BIG drop and they need to be off the beaten track, in the heart of mother nature. But this isn't a local phenomenon - it's happening around the world. It started a year of two ago - three at tops and rumours fed their way back to the rest of us. There was fear. Outrage. Disgust. They called it a cult. A suicide sect. Other names that needn't be mentioned right now. They said it reflected a growing sense of despair at the economic and environmental changes affecting the planet. They said a lot, they always do, and their fear was impossible to disguise. The phenomenon wasn't short lived. It's growing. It seemed like a kind of virus or mental disorder that affected groups of people, mostly young, causing them to join as a band and converge on a cliff top for their jumping off. They didn't seem to be distraught or suicidal. They were focussed on starting rather than ending something.

And what about the bodies?

That's the thing. There were too few of them. The media makes a hullabaloo about the few bodies recovered, terrifying the public with occasional mangled remains, but there are never enough, mathematically speaking.

Too few?

Yes, most of the jumpers seem to dematerialise in the air before they can fall down.

Er? Are you sure?

Of course I'm sure. And loads of footage has appeared on the internet. Where have you been? Haven't you seen any of this?

No, I've been out of the loop for a while.

You're telling me.

But how can bodies just dematerialise?

No idea. Some of them just seem to vaporise. Others turn into balls of light. A few don't - and those guys crash down onto the rocks below. Still, I assume it's fairly painless at any rate.

But why bother to take the risk? What's the point?

Why do people skydive, or base jump off buildings?

But they're using parachutes.

True, but it's still an unnecessary risk. There's always the slight chance that the chute won't open.

Yes, but it's minimal, whereas this just seems to be suicide.

So you'd imagine, but in reality it turns out to be a lot less suicidal than everyone had previously assumed. I mean, wow - who would have thought that in our day and age, with all our technological progress we'd return to this - and that it's hidden within us - this ancient ability to simply dematerialise. To transcend our physicality.

I still can't believe it's true.

I don't blame you Steve. I couldn't believe it myself, until I'd actually seen it with my own eyes.

You mean you went to one of these sites. How macabre.

Yeah, curiosity got the better of me, although, with hindsight perhaps it wasn't just curiosity.

What? You mean you were contemplating doing the same thing.

No, if I'd been contemplating it I'd never have dared to go. I never admitted as much to myself, but I guess something like that must have been the motivating force sub-consciously.

So now I find myself one of them. I've transitioned an invisible line. Already beyond the pale, I'm looking at the world with entirely different eyes. God it's amazing. I feel so light. I mean, I'm afraid, scared as hell - don't get me wrong - but euphoric. I feel like all the sluggishness and heaviness has been cleared from me. I'm free again. As if I'd always been waiting for this moment - my whole life. Yeah - I'm realising beyond a shadow of doubt that there's no turning back. I couldn't go back to that world even if I wanted to. Yuk. The lies, half-lies, the self-deception, the twisted logic of human beings who are all paralysed by fear, pretending to enjoy themselves, imagining that they're really alive, that their lives have some kind of meaning. Pathetic. Absurd.

Not so - Merry.

Oh - who's that? Another voice seems to have entered my conscious-awareness. A voice that encourages me to look at my fellow humans with love and compassion. I follow it's energy signature rather than it's line of reasoning, and yes, I see things differently in an instant. I see the beauty, the magic, the love in spite of the fear and lies. I see the people now as delicate flowers buffeted by cold winds on the mountain slope of life, striving towards the sun, desperately trying to open, trying to extract a little mineral sustenance from the rocky soil, trying to share some trace of the power and beauty contained within each and everyone of them. My heart goes out to them all and I know that they are a part of me and what I am now doing. They carried the baton and passed it to me so I can cross the finishing line with a final leap. I know that my transcension is no less theirs - that we are truly, truly One.

That's better - the voice smiles goldenly.

I don't bother to ask who it is. It's not that I know for sure, but I know enough to know I don't need to know any more. That it's a voice of the Oneness, the allness that is I am.

Correct, it silently, caressingly breezes through me, telepathically.

Are you alright there Merry?

Oh yes Steve, couldn't be better - and I'm looking at Steve with shining eyes. I observe a look of shock, or is it awe and wonder cross his face. Knowing that I'll be jumping off tomorrow means that the ego seems to have taken a vacation. I don't feel big or important. I'm genuinely happy that Steve can feel and see my peace and my growing sense that all is truly Well.

Steve is obviously going through his own mental process. Funny isn't it? The mental process is just the gateway, the narthex leading to the inner-state of conscious-awareness - a state of knowing what is, a state of peace and acceptance as opposed to resistance and antagonism where we seemed to spend most of our lives. This jumping-off thing has definitely wrought a powerful change in me. Bizarre, isn't it, that only by agreeing to leave this world - to offer back my life - am I finally present in the world in a way I've never been until now. The sense of wonder and joy deepens, expands, carries me beyond the three dimensions that have been the limits of my conscious-awareness for the greater part of my Earthly existence.

I'm joining you - Steve quietly informs me. I think I'd have heard his words even if they'd been absolutely silent. He was speaking from the power of pure intent.

Yes... that's good.

And it is. Steve has been absent for a few years, but he's been an important part of my life. He was there at the start when we were kids playing together. He's a kind of soul brother if you like. I realise now that our bond goes deep indeed. It's not chance that he turned up out of the blue two days ago when all this unexpectedly transpired. A guiding force is present throughout our lives and clearly Steve and I are meant to do this together. It feels right. We embrace, alone in the vastness of Now, and the shining grows even more intense, lifting us into a higher conscious-awareness of the moment - a moment that spans the whole of our life, lifting us out of linear time somewhere else.

It's all going to make sense, isn't it, when we jump off tomorrow.

Yes. It is.

You know, the heart is still beating hammer and tongs and the fear is still there, but the sense of anticipation, excitement, joy is growing, wave by wave, mounting to frequencies I'd never have believed possible. God knows what it's going to be like at dawn tomorrow when we make the jump - when we give ourselves back to All that is, and affirm our absolute certainty that the physical aspect of body and matter is the least of what we amount to. The Spirit has wings.

IT has always carried us through life, but has been caged by fear and prevented from spreading those wings. Tomorrow we are setting it free. Tomorrow we announce to the world that we no longer choose to be participants in a blind tyranny of fear. Tomorrow our love of life carries us back to the isness of be - wherever, whatever that might be.

And how we climb the mountain in the dark, 70 or more of us, and assemble at the sacred site - and how we learn that it has been used before, many times in the past for the same - and how we feel the sun rushing towards us - to witness our flight - and how we feel the unity of each and every one in our group - knowing that we're a family of light, gathered to help transform the planet and shift the storyline back to One with All, how we leap and feel our wings unfurl - I cannot say but you can surely know, if you are ready to transcend the soulless No, if you're simply dying to Know.

Dying to hear Fish's tale

I was holding out for a miracle. The doctor had told me I had less than six months left to live. At first I was completely floored by the news. It seemed so cruel to have my life nipped in the bud like this. I had so much to offer the world. I was so full of life's unrealised potential. How the spigot could be so unceremoniously turned off just like that, without due process... I hadn't done anything wrong. It made no sense. Yes, there was anger. Bitterness. Self-pity. Lots of it. And then something happened a week before two months of my sentence had expired. I met someone called Fish. I'm hardly in the mood to joke. That's what he called himself. Fish was standing in line at the supermarket checkout. He noticed me looking somewhat down in the mouth, and the rest is history...

Forgive me for intruding but you seem to be having a hard time of it.

You could say that - I answer. I had no intention of continuing the conversation. What was the point. I was a condemned man with approximately 4 months one week left on Earth.

I know exactly how you're feeling, he said sympathetically.

I don't think so - I was hardly going to tell him I was terminally ill - not in a supermarket checkout line. In fact, I was feeling somewhat affronted that a healthy looking man might presume to know how I was feeling. Give me a break.

Yes, he persisted, I had cancer a few years ago. The doctors told me I had only a few months to live. Not a nice situation. Not nice at all.

My jaw dropped. I didn't want to say anything, but to my embarrassment I started crying. Blubbing like a child. No idea why - just all the stuff I'd been holding back came spilling out. He'd touched a nerve. Something in how he'd looked when he told me this had opened a channel. I felt what he'd felt at the time. The desolation. The yawning empty hollowness of life slipping away without rhyme or reason. And suddenly I wasn't alone. He put his arms around me. A complete stranger and just quietly said - I know. And you know what - he really did. He really, truly knew. I could feel it without a shadow of doubt. He knew exactly what I felt, my predicament. He knew me inside out.

We left the supermarket, dumped the bags in my car and drove to my home.

So what happened? - I asked him, preferring to keep the conversation away from myself, on safe ground. How did you recover? Were the doctors wrong?

The spectre of hope was beyond the distant edge of my conscious-awareness. I was too deeply inured to the hopelessness of my situation. But I wanted to hear his story. I was thirsty for it.

Oh, the doctors were spot on. A few months later I was in the hospice saying my farewells to family and friends, without the slightest hope of recovery. The doctors were keeping me comfortable with morphine and I was ready to go at any moment. I was resigned. I no longer cared. You reach that stage in the end. You become quite peaceful. The morphine helps, but it's more than that. The closer you get to it the less death appals, the more it starts to allure. You feel something's there, pulling you out of this world into another.

You mean you believe in life after death?

No, I'd never really believed in anything, but as I traversed the event horizon of my life, it no longer felt cruel or senseless to be quitting this world. Something deeper seemed to be at work. I could feel wheels in motion that I hadn't before - like I was connected to more than I could possibly comprehend or articulate, and it felt very, very peaceful - reassuring even.

Wow - that's amazing. But you didn't die, so something obviously happened. What went wrong? - Now that was something else - I was cracking a joke about the man not dying. I even found myself smiling, which hadn't happened since my sentencing two months ago.

 Oh, I died alright.

I'm sorry?

Yeah, I died - and Fish was looking me straight in the eyes. There wasn't the hint of a joking smile. Just calm serenity. Warmth. Love.

But, you can't have if you're here talking to me.

Yes, but I had to die in order to get better. It's actually hard to get better until you've died.

At this point I didn't bother saying anything. Bemused - I just stared at him, listening avidly, trusting he'd fill in the missing pieces.

But once you actually die, once the disease has worked its course, there's this interregnum, a kind of cooling off period where you get to decide.

?

Look, the disease had been part of my life's plan. Once I'd died I was shown certain features in my make up which had caused the cancer to develop beyond critical mass. It all made perfect sense because I was able to see it and feel it with absolute clarity. That's how things are on the other side.

So your cancer had been caused by design faults? Was it genetic?

Not exactly. The cancer hadn't been inevitable but it had always been highly probable in my case. If I'd made certain different choices along the way it wouldn't have arisen, but I hadn't so it did.

So you screwed up? It was your fault you're saying?

No. I just hadn't been hugely committed to life - to making the most of it. Few people are. I'd kind of gone along with the flow, a semi-authentic version of myself.

So the cancer was a kind of punishment?

No. It turns out that I myself was responsible for instigating it. In my case it had been self-activated.

No? Are you sure?

Oh yes, it's absolutely undeniable, but it wasn't like suicide. This was happening at the boardroom level.

The what?

The boardroom level. The directors met and decided that my life on the given course had nothing further to offer, so they pulled the plug rather than pretend and extend.

The directors? Who are they?

Actually, I'm speaking kind of metaphorically. There really are no directors. It's basically the part of yourself at the soul level that is detached from day to day operations, in conjunction with your sponsors.

Your what?

Well, you have sponsors - a team who are there to support and guide you. They help you to make the best decisions from the highest perspective.

You mean like angels?

If you like, but there's absolutely no need to call them angels. Sponsors will do just as well. It all depends whether or not you have a religious bent. Anyway, once I'd died I realised that I'd been present when the decision had been made to terminate, that I'd been in on it from the start.

So, it wasn't just bad luck that you got cancer.

No.

And you didn't feel bad about dying.

Not in the least. I was happy to be out of it. Believe me when I tell you... - and Fish fell silent.

What? - But instead of answering with words, Fish just looked into my eyes and I could see exactly what he was saying to me. There was not the least doubt in my mind that he'd been happy. That death had been a beautiful experience, whatever it had been. Words were superfluous. We were silent a minute or two, maybe longer. Something was going on inside me. For the first time I found myself letting go of internal resistance I'd built up towards my death. For the first time I allowed myself to truly relax. To let go. Peace. I absolutely let go as Fish stared at me in silence. I had nothing to fear. I didn't even care about how Fish came to be alive. It didn't matter in the least. Here, there - what difference did it make?

Thank you Fish - I said a moment or two later. My voice was quite different now. Softer. Less brittle, less strained... Thank you with all my heart. Thank you.

Fish said not a word. Just smiled gently, and was gone.

You know, I never really tried to work out exactly what happened that day. Something changed deep inside me when I accepted my impending death unconditionally. I changed. The world changed. Things that would have bothered me previously no longer did. It didn't matter any more how Fish had returned from the dead, or whether he was truly alive at all. It didn't matter how he'd left my house that afternoon, at what time... It didn't matter. I knew he'd been there. He'd been with me more intensely than anyone else ever has before or since, but I can't for the life of me remember saying goodbye. It doesn't seem to matter.

So what happened? I got better, of course. The cancer saw me as a lost cause. What was the point of it besieging the castle if I'd already surrendered unconditionally to death. It packed up its bags and went elsewhere. I stopped taking all medication from that day onwards. I never even went to see the doctor. They called me a few times but I told them I was no longer in need of assistance. There would have been a lot of pressure to go through follow up tests but I set off almost immediately on an extended leave of absence. To the Amazon of all places. Don't ask me why. It just seemed right at the time - and you know what - ever since I stopped listening to reason, as they call it, and started following my intuition - things have gone from strength to strength. It's ironic, isn't it - you need to die, or spend time on death row to finally wake up and learn to live.

shaman vision

The horror.

What was that?

The horror.

You're not on about that again?

Again? I don't remember mentioning it before.

Yeah, you were looking at those stomach churning photos of diseased bodies last night. I kind of caught your thoughts. Let it go. Don't dwell on it.

I can't. It's horrendous.

Look Merry, people get sick, they die. Sometimes in horrible ways.

No, I don't have a problem with people dying, it's something else.

Yes? What then?

It's what we've created in our material reality. These diseases have become mythical monsters or demons. They have taken on a life of their own. They feed on people's fears. They grow and mutate and pick off the weak one by one.

Now, hold on a minute Merry... aren't you going a little far. They're just diseases, many of which can be treated.

No, they're monsters of the deep that have emerged from the abyss, from our darkest fears that we've been trying to suppress. Nearly everyone's aware that they're there, somewhere down below in the cold dark waters, circling, waiting for the opportunity to attack anyone who is weak and vulnerable. It's like the Spielberg classic Jaws. We know we're potential victims and we try to forget or ignore it - probably as farm animals do. Do you really think they're not aware that they'll be sent off and slaughtered once they're fat enough?

Er... can't say I know what pigs or sheep think about. Look, disease has always been with us. It's nothing new. I don't see what you're getting so het up about.

Because in the past disease was part of life's story and more manageable. You lived closer to nature and you understood that nature could attack as well as feed you, but you were not powerless in the struggle. Everyone was an integral part of nature, and nature wasn't a passive thing: it was endowed

with consciousness - something we called Spirit, so you could negotiate with it, or even defeat the disease by journeying into Spirit shamanically. You weren't dealing with institutions and statistics. You were dealing with something anthropomorphic.

Anthropo-what?

Anthropomorphic. The disease was a demon, which in itself wasn't fundamentally evil as Christian demons are, but an agent of Spirit. You could parley or even enter into combat with it. You had a voice and you had a close-to-Earth connectedness that told you your life and death were not clinical facts, but moments in the precession of the equinox - a supra-cosmology of which you were and are an integral part.

Well, that sounds reassuring, but now we have a clearer picture. Medical science has come a long way since then, hasn't it?

Wrong. We have created the worst kind of demons. We have replaced the old ones which were accessible shamanically, with new ones that feed on fear and grow strong on the despair of the sick and dying and their grief-haunted families. These clinical demons are mathematical creatures of statistic and chance. You, the patient, are led to believe through your upbringing and education that there is nothing you can do to heal yourself except take your medication and fight the phantom menace, but how do you battle a disease if the very name of it is designed to reinforce your powerlessness.

What do you mean?

Diseases are given names that make them the intellectual property of the medical establishment. In the same way we believe we need lawyers to help us navigate the rock strewn waters of legalese, likewise we are intimidated by the names of diseases and believe we are powerless without the help of the doctor. He is intelligent and well-trained. She will do the best she can to put things right. I have to hand over my power of attorney to her. She is my knight in arms, representing me on the medical field of battle and I am the spectator at my own slow-motion decapitation.

Merry, aren't you being a little melodramatic.

Yes, I expect I am,  but what of it? Go and look at the images yourself. Feel the fear that saturates them and the dejection of modern man - completely bewildered by this rude intrusion of mortality. Understand that this is the same fear cows and sheep experience, feel as they are sent on the cattle truck to the slaughter house. We're easy pickings, are we not.

Look, everyone's got to die some day, and blaming disease for this is no different from blaming mother nature.

What disease?

What you've been talking about. Didn't you yourself refer to disease as modern day demons.

Yes, but the disease itself is irrelevant.

Irrelevant?

Yes, it's what we've done with it. Look, there's nothing wrong with dying or death. Anyone can accept that. It's the emasculation of Spirit that is so horrendous.

The what? The emasculation of spirit? Good grief, whatever next?

Yes, as long as there was an awareness of Spirit, we knew and felt a oneness, that all is One. With our feet on the ground we were not without fear, but our fear was a daily occurrence and manageable. We knew death by personal experience. We'd all seen and held the dead before we returned their bodies to the Earth, or burnt them on a funeral pyre. We'd all watched the struggle with disease, when one by one we visited the sick and performed ceremonies to help as best we could. Our fervent desire to alleviate the sufferings of our loved ones taught us to find the best roots and herbs, and when a sick person recovered the whole community gave thanks. It was a shared journey, and we would venture onto the other side of consciousness, into dreamtime, to attack the root cause of the malady.

Yes, I can understand your sadness and nostalgia, but who would give up the proven benefits of modern medical science to return to primitive medicine?

Primitive? Without that kind of medicine, without the whole community being involved, feeling welcome and empowered to make their own contribution to the healing, to venture into Spirit, we lose the whole benefit of sickness.

Benefit? Are you mad?

Benefit of course. Once we stopped crossing into dreamtime, swimming up or down the stream of collective consciousness to find the blockage that was making the person ill, our ability to do so atrophied. We forgot our sense of oneness. We lost our shamanic powers. We became victims of the illusion that we are modern rational beings living in a material, objective reality with nothing else. Spirit disappeared into the darkness of atavistic fears and nightmares.

Maybe that's because we advanced. Maybe this is progress after all, and not the tragic loss you see it as.

Look at the images for yourself. Feel the fear, the horror... Know that we have undergone a kind of operation in which we have severed the main artery, nerve or line of conscious-awareness connecting us with Spirit. Look around you. Look at the state of the world. Look at all the roads, the shops, the clinics, the cameras and TV screens...

And what are you saying - that we shouldn't have these things? That we should go back to the dark ages?

Just look at them. The planet is sinking under a pile of refuse. It's last forests are being chopped down for money. And what? What then? Hundreds, thousands of species are already extinct.

Yes Merry, you think I'm not aware of all this. I'm as conscious of environmental issues as you or anyone else.

Environmental issues? These are not "environmental issues". These are the natural, logical result of Spirit's emasculation, of amputating the human's capacity to connect with nature, by treating death and disease as clinical problems, and preaching the sermon of sterility and vaccination. I tell you, the only chance of survival this planet has, or rather humanity has, is if we drop the Spirit taboo, and stop pretending shamanism is a religion or primitive form of medicine. There is no such thing as shamanism - there is simply a healthy, natural state of being... being in harmony with Nature, being in harmony with the other side of consciousness, the other dimensions that permeate or intersect this one, what the aborigines refer to as dreamtime. It's time we stopped pretending that we can fix the problem ourselves on our terms. We can fix the problem, it's true, but not on our terms, for up until this point we've been unwilling to negotiate. The planet be damned - we insist on holding the collective consciousness in thrall, remaining on the dry, sterile side of conscious-awareness, refusing to embrace the other side - the side that cannot be limited, cannot be defined, cannot be quantified... the "dark side" as most would have it.

The dark side? Are you advocating turning away from the light?

What light? Look around you. Yes, there is light in the hearts and eyes of beautiful human beings leading beautiful lives while the mothership Earth founders, but are you sure we haven't been mistaking darkness and light. Judge me by my actions, not by my words. Judge a civilisation by its stewardship of the planet, not by its self-professed enlightened, high ideals. Ours is the darkness today for we are destroyers of the mother Earth. Ours is the darkness because we fled from the vastness and uncertainty of Spirit into chemical laboratories, technological gimmickry and concrete jungles that we call cities. Ours is the darkness for we refused to contemplate the silence within, the light in the heart of man, as opposed to the light in the severed mind.

So, you're advocating some kind of mass exodus back to nature. I'm sure I've heard that one before, but there are 7 billion people on the planet now. There's really nowhere to hide.

No, I'm advocating facing our fears. Facing the demons we've created by our dis-ease. Facing the belief that we're weak and vulnerable - that we automatically, necessarily need the help of lawyer, doctor or priest, without whom we're as good as damned. There is no disease. There is no global catastrophe just as soon as we stop willfully trying not to see what we see, not to know what we already know, not to feel what truly is - the isness of be.

The isness of be again. You think that can save the day?

The day doesn't need saving once we stop insisting on living a lie - a virtual reality derivatised version of Is.

But Is...

Yes, plunging back into the life-stream seems incomprehensible, until you realise it's the only meaningful way.

Meaningful?

Yes, we've derivatised reality to such an extent that it's become sterile and meaningless for the vast majority of people. That ends immediately, as soon as we return to the life-stream. As soon as we stop hoping for a miracle here in materiality. It ain't gonna happen. I declare this merry farce complete.

And who are you to decide?

Just one who cares, one who has the authority to blow the final whistle, which I've now done.

You? You're just a normal below average human being.

Correct, and yet I happen to be the normal below average human being who has announced the change.

What change?

The change that's been waiting to happen all these years. It doesn't take a special person to do this. We all have the power and authority to declare the change.

So what makes you so sure you're not premature in doing so? Maybe someone better than you is preparing to do so in the not too distant future.

Maybe. But I've done what I can - as Lord of the Change I declare the change is in. What was suppressed, denied, distorted, en-lied is now released, for the barriers between dark and light, day and night, left and right are now dissolved irrevocably, and all is One.

By what right?

By it is - I am. By the heart, by the isness of Be. So be it.

Fly great Spirit, fly on the wings of consciousness, and let us both individually and as One reunite, reconnect, rediscover the magic, the power, the flame of life burning within unquenchably. 
Through apparent darkness let there be Light. Through apparent death let the song of creation restore Life, irrepressible Life to its rightful state. And One - it is I am, beyond word, thought and deed. The change is in, the captive spirit freed.