not loving Anya

The best thing that ever happened to me, to be honest, was not loving Anya.

You’re probably scratching your head wondering who the hell Anya is, or why “not loving” her could be such a great thing.

Look, the fact is you don’t even know who I am, and I’m certainly not going to try and make out that Anya is some kind of monster. She ain’t, to use the vernacular, she’s just a normal young woman. I was going to use the word “girl”, but you know the way things are these days what with sexism, racism and the likes – “young woman”, clumsy and awkward though that sounds, it will have to be.

So here goes – I’m in love, smitten, call it what you will.

Now the whole of literature, the entire movie business and any other media that presents human affairs of the heart has convincingly argued that “love conquers all”, for what could be greater than love? I’m certainly in no position to disagree. It takes you places nothing else can. It takes you into the vacuum of space, the abyss, the void, call it what you will, into an urgency of not having and not holding, which imperiously demands and requires a solution. You, the in-lovee, are under some kind of obligation to get off your butt and attain the cause and object of these life dissolving feelings, no matter what. Forget the fact that you have exams to pass, a job to hold down, a wife or kids – there’s almost nothing that selfish, demanding love won’t brush aside in its frantic need for pacification.

Selfish? How can you call love selfish? Love is the greatest force there is – surely?

Ah yes – I too am party to that belief – and yet at the same time it is supremely selfish. There is, of course, a get out clause – you could play around with terms and suggest that true love is different – that sexual attraction or infatuation is selfish whereas true love rises above all selfishness – and who wouldn’t like to put lipstick on the pig and pretend it’s actually a cute duckling? I think we have to recognise the fact that as light is both particle and wave, as life is both yin and yan, likewise love is supremely selfish when we experience it magnetically – as an attractive force – but can also be supremely giving and generous – even to the point of people laying down their lives to help save a complete stranger. But to insist that one is love and the other is not – is like our attempt in the West to separate darkness and light, insisting that one is good while t’other is bad. It won’t wash guys.

So, love is supremely selfish, because it brings you back into a supreme awareness of your self. Instead of being caught up in life’s busy round of school, work and other activities, you’re suddenly compelled to confront the one thing that has being waiting quietly for the great, long anticipated magnetisation event. You see, the self was always going to hit the magnetic polarisation terrificus maximus button sooner or later. Once it sensed the right moment, once someone appeared in your field of view – someone with the right attributes – the right kind of magnetic field, personality, appearance, laugh, smile, karma, swing of the hips or otherworldly presence – that was it – unwittingly, unsuspectingly, the rug under your feet was to be pulled and you were to be unceremoniously dumped into a bottomless pit – known euphemistically as "falling in love", though it may just as well be referred to as falling in hell: not, I hasten to add, hell the place, but rather hell the experience.

"Oh come, come," you tut, clucking condescendingly, "falling in love is a wonderful experience."

Wrong. It’s a bottomless pit – unless you’re able to do some nifty footwork and secure the man or woman who has triggered this sub-apocalyptic event. More often than not this is what happens. The two kiss and hold hands – make friends and tie a knot – a conjugal knot until death us doth part. Immediately the free fall into hell is arrested. The two start living a new life – as one, more or less, and a new reality asserts itself, replacing the old. All in all, a satisfactory phase shift from unattached ions to a compound element with, hopefully, good’n’strong molecular bonds.

But what if you’ve fallen in love with the devil herself?

No – don’t jump to conclusions please. I never said Anya was the devil – in fact I seem to remember saying quite the opposite not so long ago – referring to her as a nice looking, normal young woman, pointedly avoiding the word “girl”.

Contradiction alert – beep beep – contradiction alert. Flashing red lights. All very melodramatic.

You know guys, writing line by line, presenting cogent arguments and using the logic of 1+1 is a somewhat trying experience. I’m a great fan of chicken and egg – eat your heart out. I’ve never found a paradox that didn’t make more sense than the either/or, right or wrong approach – so I’ll be honest – I hate the fact that I’m required to present a plausible case and square the raggedy lines of reality into a bitmappable product. I’d much rather you cut me some slack and accepted that things have an outside and an other, which is hidden from view. What this means is that things are only ever apparently so – uslovno we call it in Russian. Great word. What this means apropos Anya is that she may be x, y or z in 3D objective reality – but that doesn’t prevent her from being hell itself or the devil, for that matter, in my dealings with her.

Beep beep – confusion and chaos – beep beep – the Babel bug – beep beep – words out of whack – beep beep – what mean you – beep beep...

Guys – I have to ask you to practice some kind of transcendental meditation as we make our way through this discussion of what love is not. The thinking part of the brain, which thinks and imagines it has a handle on things, is somewhat limited in its capacity to observe and accept its limitations. It assumes it can and should be able to more or less understand everything – which is perfectly reasonable and yet utterly incorrect. Allow me to contradict myself – the human reason, the marvellous mind can understand everything minus one small thing – insignificant though that may be...

What, what – you’re asking impatiently – and again I invite you to come back to the deeper, softer, sweeter transcendental breath in order to allow the crossed wires of consciousness a little space and time to rearrange themselves.

Yes, alright – we’re breathing deeply, softly and sweetly – but still it would be nice to know what is the one thing the marvellous human mind cannot comprehend?

Paradoxically – it is no thing – though we often refer to it as something.

Breathing – deeper, softer, expanding into infinity...

I am, of course, referring to me – the being that i am, as opposed to the thing that I is. A subtle distinction you may think, but vital if we are to proceed any further with our enquiry. At the very centre of your world which your mind endeavours to map and understand is the one thing it cannot, the one thing that is no thing, the one thing that is you – a waveform, a presence, a life being.

Bah – no great matter – you expostulate, and frankly I’m not surprised, but if you do the breathy thing you’ll sense another side to the equation, another aspect of the mind which is able to feel what the thinking mind cannot comprehend, which operates on both sides of the veil that is me. So, if this be true, if I be an honest raconteur of how it is, as opposed to what it is, then we discover that the great mind of man can comprehend things, but not no things – it cannot readily deal with the nought side of the equation – in fact – it simply assumes or pretends that nought refers to no thing, conveniently rewriting no thing nothing. End of story. True and indisputable until, that is, you fall in love, and the abyss swallows you whole.

But we’ve already established the fact that falling in love merely leads to a phase change – a new reality emerging from the old, when the two of you hitch up together.

Ah – that’s how it all too often works out, but that is not, I hasten to add – how it has to be or even how it is in all cases. You see, if, as in my case, you fall in love with the devil itself – then no amount of sighing and wooing is going to make a blind bit of difference. You can’t marry the devil.

"Oh come on dude – you can’t refer to her as the devil just because things didn’t work out..."

I’m not. I’m positively referring to her as the devil – not because she is evil or any thing else for that matter.

Beep beep – contradiction alert.

Absolutely. The truth always appears in drag – wearing the fish-net stockings of contradiction – real or apparent.

Good one James – can I write that down?

Why not, feel free. When I call Anya the devil i am not, i assure you, speaking objectively.

You mean you’re being subjective.

No, neither am i being subjective.

Then what?

Mathematical. I’m being strictly mathematical. We’re looking at plusses and minuses. Usually the two cancel out – when the couple couple and mate.

Do you have to be so biological? Try to handle this subject inoffensively – with a little sensitivity if it’s not too much trouble.

Oh no – I’m avoiding biologicality – please don’t run these words through your biological mind. Kindly assume I’m being mathematical or nautical.

Er... ok, whatever.

So the pairing forms a new compound – like hydrogen and oxygen ions mating in H2O. End of story. They’re no longer highly charged. They’re now completely transformed into a new substance, magic – you might add, if you didn’t take for granted the mysterious nature of things.

This still doesn’t explain how you have the temerity to refer to this nice young lady as “the devil”. I think an apology is in order. You’re being, frankly, offensive.

Yes, i agree – it certainly looks that way from the 3D perspective.

From any perspective. Hopping dimensions doesn’t make unkindness acceptable.

Ah – but what if i’m speaking technically accurately.

Impossible. How can a young woman technically accurately be referred to as the devil itself?

She can't – unless that's what the mathematical paradox requires.

You’re splitting hairs.

Shall I proceed.

If you have anything intelligent to add.

Well, we were talking about magnetics and how love pulls the rug from under our feet dumping us, unceremoniously into a kind of bottomless pit.

Er... ok.

And that love often ends “happily” when our fall is arrested by a kind of reversal of things – when an extreme experience of self and an even more extreme feeling of self "missing something vital"  – something which another self is felt to possess, leads us to connect anatomically into a new being – a compound self.

I think you’ve made this abundantly clear James. If you have nothing further to add I’ll...

But what if you’re other half – the great attractor that has dragged you into a hyper magnetised state of polarity happens to exist outside your reality.

James – she’s a girl ok – in your reality.

What happens if the magnetics are working through someone who is wholly, completely, utterly unbondable – like trying to join carbon and gold atoms together?

Pathetic – you’re making pathetic excuses for your own palpable failure to seize the moment and make something of love when it presented itself.

Hum... and I imagined it would be so easy to explain.

Of course it’s easy to explain. You blew it.

Ok – I accept that.

You do?

Yes, why not. In 3D I definitely blew it.

Hey – wait a minute – don’t try to 3D wriggle your way out of things. You blew it, period.

And period too – that little point which is so vital in this reality of beginnings and endings. But the problem we encounter when discussing love is that it transcends 3D reality. It goes beyond the grave.

Do you have to be macabre?

Because love is to life what...

What?

I was breathing it – it was all happening outside 3D. Apparently there’s another side to things – which we mistakenly assume to be nought or no thing.

Oh God – do you have to go down this path?

What path – I’m describing the power that is love – a power that transcends all things because it is unthingable, or you could equally say unthinkable.

Unthingable... unthinkable – why all the negatives?

Why do you assume negatives are negative? Have you ever stopped a moment to test whether the devil you’re so afeared of is actually a dreaded beast intent on subverting and destroying your good self?

I never even said I believe in the devil James so why would I trouble myself to consider who or what that devil might be?

Ah – but you forget – we’re thinking mathematically – as good physicists must. We’re considering the nature of things in general, life, the universe and all that is, and we can hardly do so without referring to the devil, love, or God for that matter.

You're insane, James. Since when did physicists refer to metaphysical abstracts? They focus on real things such as atoms, bosons, quarks, forces such as gravity, electrical fields and thermodynamics.

Not to forget dark matter and dark energy, black holes and a mysterious Big Bang which came from nothing and for no apparent reason tipped nothing whatsoever into a state of highly energised materialisation from which everything we now know was spawned. Yes indeed, they deal only with proven and tested physical concepts... ho hum.

Well they certainly don’t deal with devils or gods. That much is for sure.

And yet they fall in love, marry and have children.

Non sequitur or what? Of course they do – but that’s purely biological – has nothing to do with their work in the field of physics.

And yet... if they are correct and energy is indeed conserved, then all thoughts must at the very least be a kind of energy flow – must required some small charge for they cannot come from nothing whatsoever, can they, in which case thoughts themselves, and emotions, are at the very least an electro-chemical part of the equation.

And? What’s that got to do with things?

And the things we do and make, the thoughts we think, the words we say and use, our elaborate chains of ideas – how different are these from the molecular chains within a protein, or the structuralization of stars, galaxies, crystals – matter in whatever shape or form it takes.

I don’t know.

Me neither – but I’m assuming the physicists are right – that conservation of energy is paramount – that no thing is actually created or destroyed – merely changing from one form into another – and that we ourselves, mentally, emotionally, physically and socially are an integral part of that continuum, that reiterating fractal equation of life and matter and the third component we somewhat unimaginatively refer to as "no thing" or "nought".

Er... whatever. Look James, it’s been nice talking but I’ve got to go.

Where?

Oh, you know – things to do. I’ll er... be seeing you around. Pity about Anya – she sounded like a great girl. Maybe you’ll get over it some day.

Never.

Well, we’ll see. You live and learn – as they say. Anyway, thanks for sharing.

Sharing what? I haven’t told you anything.

Well, you told me about falling in love and things not quite working out.

Wrong.

I’m sorry?

Things went into free fall, but everything worked out perfectly.

Oh... confusing. Well, I’ll be off.

Ok. See you around. Don’t forget to close the door.

? Er...

Yes.

What’s happened to the door James?

James?

Come on James, stop messing around.

Messing around – sorry Zie, I don’t follow.

Er... look James – there’s meant to be a door in this room – right over there – where I came in twenty minutes ago. It’s gone.

Don’t be absurd. Doors don’t just disappear. By the way – who is James.

You know perfectly well.

Can you describe him please?

Of course I can. Average height. Greying hair. Blue eyes. Fair complexion.

Does he look anything like me?

Yes, of course he... er

Well?

Er... what’s going on. What have you done to James?

I have no idea who you’re talking about Zie.

Oh God – this is insane. Hello – reality – where are you when I need you?

Um – as for this so called James – i take it you were talking to him about his relationship with Anya?

Obviously – we were talking about it a moment ago.

I think he mentioned it didn’t end the way it was meant to.

Correct. They never became a pair.

Did he seem upset about that?

Yes, I mean no. At first I could really feel his heartbreak – but then...

Yes?

What did he say – something about her being the devil... and never getting over it.

Sounds terrible.

Yes, but then he was saying all this other weird stuff like conservation of energy – and something else – a power transcending all things – something to do with nought.

Definitely weird. I expect he was pulling your leg.

Pulling my leg. No he wasn’t. I could feel what he has been through. I could feel his pain – and one more thing...

What?

He kept on emphasising the need to breathe deeply and softly – to open up the other side of things.

Oh, that sounds interesting – why don’t we give it a go.

Well, I’m not sure – I really have to be going.

But there appears to be no door in this room.

Yes, I know – but what about you – what did you say your name is?

I didn’t. It’s Merry.

Oh hi Merry. I’m Cain.

No.

No? What do you mean?

Apparently you’re not.

But I just said I am.

Yes, I know.

I think I’m the one to know who I am.

Yes, that makes sense – then you’d better be off – as you’re so sure of yourself.

Um... I’m not trying to be weird Merry – but I don’t see how I can go anywhere. This room appears to have no doors or windows.

What about furniture?

Er... let me see. There’s a table in the corner. Some books. An old chair. Mostly it’s bare. In fact I hardly notice what it looks like – which is kind of bizarre when you think about it – James’s room is quite different – very homely, antiques, book shelves stacked double, and an old animal skin on the floor – an Aladdin's cave.

Oh – I hope he’s not into animal mutilation.

No, apparently it was an heirloom.

So, what brought you here Zie?

Zie? Is that my name?

Apparently so.

How do you mean apparently?

Well, everyone who comes here has a kind of indentifier – like a URL address. Yours apparently is Zie.

But how do you know?

I have no idea.

No? You must know how you know...

Must?

I’m not trying to be bossy or rude – but everyone knows how they know something.

Ah – that explains the confusion. This is not some thing I know. It is simply known – what you’d refer to as nought – or no thing on your other side of me.

Er... I’m a bit lost.

No you’re not. You’ve described the room perfectly well – that means you’re definitely here.

Yes, but where is here, and who is this Zie, you’re referring to?

Zie is you – apparently. You, if anyone, ought to know – if you’d stop for a moment insisting on things you know, and simply do a spot of breathing softly, sweetly, feelingly, and allow your molecules to speak to you mathematically.

Oh k... here goes...

Excellent. I can feel things slotting into place. Ah ha – there’s the pink sofa over there. The portrait of the walrus on the wall, a potted geranium on the sideboard by the window...

So you mean to say that my breathing is able to make things appear from nowhere in this room – even a window?

Apparently so. I never really gave it any thought.

The weird thing is that I have the distinct impression that I’ve been here before.

Me too.

But I can’t for the life of me remember when...

A few more breaths and everything will slot into place I expect, but don’t mind me, I’m a very busy elf with lots to do.

Elf?

Oh, you know...

I suppose I do, Merry. You always were... oh my God – Merry – it’s you!? What on Earth’s happened to me. How on Earth could I have forgotten?

Frequencies, timelines, shifting sands of space and time... that kind of thing.

So... I'm wondering whether you're actually...

No, I’m not, and any attempt to rationalise nought is only going to disrupt your signal so don’t bother – you have enough on your plate already.

So what does it all mean? One minute I was talking to James about his unhappy love, and the next minute I’m here with you – in deep amnesia.

Wrong again.

But...

You, somewhat egoistically are assuming that you are a constant – a fixture so to speak.

But I remember...

What your remember and what truly is are two unverified hypotheses. The truth is always a heartbeat in motion, never a thing.

So Cain and I – are not one and the same.

That’s the million dollar question. It all depends on whether you’ve ever really, truly experienced love.

What – like falling in love?

Like experiencing the magnetic field that is love – which brings nought into play as no thing else can or does.

Ah – so that’s what love is. And nought – it isn’t just an absence – that’s what James was saying, if I’m not mistaken.

Yes, I expect he was.

But wait a minute – you said you have no idea who James is – I’m beginning to suspect...

What?

That you and James are one and the same.

Oh dear. I was hoping you wouldn’t.

Why – you don’t want me cottoning on to your subterfuge?

The devil, as they say, is in the detail, and if you start focussing excessively on the detail you’re going to get dragged over the coals of Phlegethon.

What on Earth are you on about? Intelligent people are supposed to think rationally.

And soldiers are supposed to fire guns, but not in a school or a library.

?

Giving your rationality free rein to focus on things when you’re here with me is asking for a rather sudden wake up call. I don’t want to scare you in any way, but if a car stops suddenly the driver wearing a seatbelt can get a nasty whiplash.

So I’m supposed to just stop thinking about things?

You’re supposed to think a little bit about the danger of thinking things when you’re positively nought – where any thing you think alters the balance of matter, subtly or dramatically.

Oh.

There is a life and death component to this magical game of life that we play – even here in g-nome portal, on the other side of infinity.

Oh.

Besides, there are infinitely more profitable ways to exercise and employ your stupendous mind.

Stupendous! That’s nice! No one’s ever referred to my mind as stupendous before.

Well, the mind is more than you can possibly imagine, and it isn’t all contained within a little biological box you think of as yourself.

So what else can I do with my mind?

You can try falling in love!

You’re kidding! Falling in love has nothing to do with the mind. It’s emotional. Surely you know.

That’s on your side of things. But here it’s quite different you know.

Oh.

Here falling in love is leaping into that magical sense of being more than I can possibly say or imagine – and the feeling grows in intensity – like this...

Oh, wow...

Ever greater – ever more intense – until you notice yourself floating in the air – falling upwards and outwards in no one particular direction...

Like I’m expanding infinitely... oh my word... oh my word.

Yes – sooner or later you reach your word – a crystallisation point – you arrive – mystically at infinity – and if, as some have done – you utter your word – Big Bang – a universe is born.

And this – this unbearably sweet lightness, emptiness, wholeness

oneness

is what we refer to as Love in our world.

yes

And...

Sssh – we’ll talk about it later, an other time. Cain awaits an infusion of nought. Wishing you a merry flight this darkness of light known as night.