shipping words

I've been uncommitted you know.

Commented on things not being right.
Complained.
Indulged in feeling upset, disgusted, appalled.
Self-indulgent clap trap.

All along
I repeat
All along - I had the power to reach out
through my littleness of things
my casual approach to the hero within
favourite literary device
star of the movie screen
but strangely absent from my life
"my" being/ referring to you or me
let's be real
let's face the unvarnished truth
that we were never more than half-hearted attempts
to differentiate one and nought
were we?
playing silly buggers
pretending to be blind
pretending to be lost in a world of billions
being me
of near limitless multiplicity
when all along
 all
 al-ong
we knew
we know
we knew
bloody fools
biding our time
I, biding mine
you, whistling insouciantly
while wars, famine, pestilence
and pedophiles - filled the slate
with grim reminders
of the state we were in
the sorry sorry
state

Whoosh
not with a bang
a whimper or a sigh
~Whoosh - the self-inflating
balloon of infinity flies by
Whoosh ~ and by
and whoosh
by

I find her sitting casually astride a stool
in a grimy cafeteria
I've never bothered to notice
prior to this
you know things are getting absurd
when you go talk to a complete stranger
in my world
where little inhibitions
little reserves
and self-conscious prickles
do the job of sheep dog
penning us in
on one side of our boundless ness
hi - i says
and the rest is
history
as Schrödinger will explain
can't be bothered myself
no need
you know exactly what i refers to
if
you ism with me
my idiot friend
idiosyncratically

So here i am
cafétered
in non-descriptiveness
chatting with the other side of infinity
the other half of all i be
don't be ridiculous - you know full well
a name cannot be supplied
and yet you ask
chatting - because it's time

i have drunk from the cup of life
i have tasted enough to know
that this world cannot
cannot
can-not satisfy my urge
satisfy my need
to be whole
for she and i were always
always separate

and every time life dangled
tantalising me
a carrot on string
a carrot promising to make me complete
to fill that small vociferous

  gap

with carrot pap
inevitably i fell for it
time and again
until now
until now
when I reach out to you
mother
matrix
matter
reach out to you
my constant inconstancy
my known unknowable unknown
my precious precious nought
flimsily concealed in the one place we knew
i'd never look - in the little gap
the depression
the silence before thought impregnates
assumed mistakenly to be
nothing more than a quantum anomaly
yet in fact key
to unthinking the endless
me me me
self-referencing stream
of determined idiocy
that i have ever been

so now
that you know the colour of my heart
it is time to give thanks
to celebrate the life-y thing
that is   i am
and acknowledge
tick tick tick
freely admit
the state of my heart
that twist
that loop I always hoped to close
lovingly
sharing chromosomes
with a beloved friend
but where on earth
was one to find such a one
when
as i now confess
this construct was designed
to keep us apart
    keep us apart
to keep us apart
and suddenly a space ship opens fire
on a caravan of plasma beasts
not unakin to dromedaries
and again thoughts kick in
amygdala reigns supreme
fighting or flighting to infinity
and beyond
projectedly
until i sensed
until we accept the utter
utter futility of doing things
thingedly
or thingfully if you prefer
until we meet over a greasy
cup of green tea
chrome stools
and a plastic granite table top
completing the picture
un-fully
but you - my love
I have written of you through ages past
and ages still to come
I have called you Helen
Dian
Anna and many more
names concealing
attempting to conceal the fact
that you never were
her
no matter how close an approximation
no matter how i protest my love
caterwauling to the stars
plucking emeralds from Atlantean gem beds
chopping off heads to prove the brutal obstinacy
of my love
and yet it was but love
an egoistic show
a sham that fooled none
but masses willingly duped
which failed to breach the heavens
and pull down stars
and rekindle the quantum flame
of all
all
all
being one

I leave the cafeteria as if
nothing has changed.
no plans to see you again
why the need
if love is
we are
one
heaven and earth
step aside
matter - yours and mine
condense
if need be
into a single drop
of not yet what mind
heart eye may/might
conceive
and child
we are now
the child
we always yearned to be

that was where the song breaks loose and goes out
over the sea
a spell released into the wild
intended to bring the many pieces scattered across the measureless
wastes of watery ness
together again
for what has been torn asunder
will once again be whole
as it is written
as it is said
as it be in truth