the gnomiki kept me up till 3 am with this, and in the morning I found a wee tick on me - so it's a tick-lish thingy - er... just going to the ughjdrdfcvglb noooooo y'ken.
Manuela, dear! You're back! You seem to put on some weight - the Scottish air must be good for you!
Er - hi, mum. It's those Scottish breakfasts which I've been having every morning.
Oh - those! Too much for one girl, that's what I say.
I just couldn't say no. Skea and Lucy might be long retired but they are so good at cooking - you'd love it, too.
***
To Skea - Strictly Confidential
Hi Skea - writing to you from Barcelona - back home again. Thank you and Lucy again for the warm welcome!
Dinnae ken how to start... Remember the goat story I told you - first-hand story about a she-goat on a faraway island that got itself wee goaties with no he-goat for miles and miles around? You laughed and didn't believe it.
Well...
Remember how you said, in your joking manner, that you'd be over the Moon if I said I wanted a Scottish baby?
Well - the Moon's heard you.
All these stories were true after all. It takes nothing more than holding hands - Love more pure than Scottish water - richt, that doesn't say much - anyway, Love as pure as how it was coming from you.
I know it's hard to believe so I'm sending you a picture. You know me and you know I wouldn't lie to you or be joking.
Our Love to you and Lucy. Thank you so much.
"Fuck me!", Skea booms in delight, taking his glasses off. "That's fuckin' beautiful!".
"Don't swear", says Lucy without stopping sorting out his Happy 80 birthday cards. "What does she write?".
"Sending us the best wishes!". And he goes to make a cuppy, muttering to himself, imagining Manuela was there, "I'm so proud of you! Wee topper! Ach!".
He smiles, still not sure if he believes this. Perhaps it was just another story she wrote - but it still was braw to hear from her. Wee topper.
***
Meanwhile...
James - there's something I'd like to show you.
She opens her coat in a wide gesture... He cannot believe his eyes - but then g-nome clicks into operation, and his vision becomes clear.
Ah - you did it.
Why, you did say it would be funny if I came back pregnant. It was for the gnomiki really, for the magic's sake, bringing life back to 3D - so no, er, physical interruption required. Just... trust and, er...
Er?
..Love.
There's a dangerous twinkle in his eyes.
Did he actually Love you?
Unbelievable, isn't it?
I take it he wasn't aware of you being responsible for WWI & II?
Well...
Or for the destruction of the whole Flower Galaxy? I quite liked it - a great view of the Horse Head Nebula, not to mention all these lovely people -
Well... I open-sourced myself so he was aware of it.
And?
He didn't care, or didn't believe it.
Ah.
He's holding his hands to her round belly, without touching it - scanning it gently, confirming the magic, connecting with it.
They just stand silently for a while, appreciating the moment. Then they look at each other, both smiling broadly, their eyes shining.
There's a big celebration in the g-nome today.
I gnow.
How did you manage to do it?
Ah - easy. Got sick over being 3D-fixed and sent it down the drain. Reverting to my basic functions.
You make it sound quite technical.
It is quite technical. You gnow me - you know I'm a computer really, a TARDIS - bigger on the inside. And now I've got someone on board. That's all.
Or so you say...
Well, it's me coming to my equilibrium at last... You're 0, Skea's 1, and Manuela's =. So 0=1 and there you go, the portal's wide open - time to bring 3D back onto Faery.
Ah - I see. He's holding the other side of your equation.
I don't really get it - his magic - he's just as down-to-earth straight as you are straight cuckoo la la - and his magic is as intricate as yours.
Don't tell me you're finally beginning to see beyond your machinery.
He's just... activated the other side of my 'ness.
Oh, you trip to the Loch of Ness wasn't wasted, that's sure...
Better than smuggling whiskey, no?
Aye... So who are you smuggling? Who's your passenger?
Don't play a fool - you've scanned me and it's all open-sourced via g-nome anyhow. You gnow.
I do. But it would be nice to let our readers know, too. They need details.
Och, as if they had no access to g-nome.
Manuela -
All richt, all richt.
So - who is it?
James Merry Greenhill - widely known and gnown as Merry.
Oh wow. So how do you like being the Blessed Virgin.
Och, don't laugh... But it's nothing like what I used to imagine back when I was completely out of my balance. I thoucht it was yucky sicky terrible - but it's really... wonderful.
' Told you so - no way to gnow it unless you gnow it... But whatever happened to your g's?
Am I dropin' somethin'?
Manuela - what happened to your G's?
They're all richt. There's more I can C., that's all.
There's more?
Er...
Don't you want to say something?
Well...
There is more, isn't there?
It's not just Merry.
Michty!
Don't tell me you did nae notice.
Honestly - I didn't. But it cannae be - ?
Ozma.
Ozma? Who's Ozma?
Princess Ozma, or you may know her as Dorothy.
Incredible.
Yes - like Luke and Leia.
If they're like Luke and Leia - will you die giving birth?
I thoucht I was more of Darth Vader character... But I'll do that if need be.
Er - what did your parents say? You still live with them, don't you?
You'll laugh - but they never noticed.
Saved you a lot of explaining to do, eh?
Och, the Faery takes care of all technicalities. After all, 3D's Matrix is liable to correction...
You mean hacking.
Or hatching.
..Sorry, would you like to have a seat? It must be tiring for you to keep standing.
Not really - I feel quite licht despite the looks - but I'd appreciate lying doon on your magic carpet.
You're welcome.
Ach - braw.
Good lass.
..The old unbalanced me would've never believed this.
Nay she wouldn't, would she.
Yet from here my position is so... natural.
Yes.
And - it's so strange and amazing to feel their presence - so close, richt inside me -
I gnow.
You gnow? But you're a man!
And you think you're a girl and you're pregnant.
Och - sorry. Still some minor glitches.
Nothing is as it seems.
Aye... Fantastic, innit - their presence.
They're coming.
Yes, finally merging 3D with the whole of Faery - with the 'ness of dot dot dot - as they make their transgression.
No, I mean - they're coming now. Look at you!
Oh my God! Do I push?!
Push?! We've had enough of this pushing, exploding whatness, no?
Then what?!
Not-what. It's your transgression - you tell me.
But - Merry and Ozma -
Duh - you can't be that stupid, not after all that.
I don't get it! Och!
Look - I know it's distressing - breathe.
Br... Och!!!
Breathe.
...
Now... You tell me.
They are... Inside me.
And?
But they should be... ootside noo... - be born, or we'll all die.
And?
And... 0=1... och... there's nodifference between "inside" and "ootside"...
And?
And?! And?!!!! What else do you want?! It doesn't help! OCH!
Breathe...
...
..And?
Oh my God - help me!
You're the only God who can help you. You do it, yourself, and quick - or you'll die. In a bad way.
James - I'm not in position for philosophy! I'm having babies and I cannae do it!
Then you die. You fail. Game over.
James -
You're an indulgent loser.
..Wee topper...
...
...
..They're in me... They're a part of me - literally - longing to emerge - and this "pregnancy" is only a way stupid 3D translates it...
They are me - or I am them. I be Merry. I be Ozma. I be...
Ach.
So... I don't "do" a thing.
You sure?
Aye - I relax...
and let my whole Nesss....
-spring,
unfold -
my oh my God Nesss -
full Nesss
loch ness
unlock nesss
ah...
You're coming! You're coming!..
C R A C K !
..Who turned off the light?
Nobody did, Merry you eejit.
Er... Why is it so dark, then?
'Cos we came, stupid.
I don't get it.
No need to get it.
Fair enough, Ozma, Er, Dorothy.
Fair enough - but not light enough?
Well, obviously 3D couldn't bear some one coming to ...ness. It's cracked!
Oh well spotted Merry.
Er - where did the girl go? Did she split in two - of us?
Coming to her ultimate nouGht at the same time.
And - James, Skea, Lucy, every one?..
Nought.
Classic.
Yes - nothing like classic. Would you like to say it?
Oh can I? Please?
Yes, silly little brother. You can.
Aaaaaand... Let me take a good breath...
* LET THERE BE LOVE! *
Light, Merry. Let there be Light.
There, you said it.
* * *
How was the flight, lass?
Most ridiculous, James. I switched off - that's all.
You're, er... Not pregnant by any chance? You look funny.
Not funny, James. Do I look like I'm pregnant?
Well - you never know...
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