Sam and I

By the way, did you ever consider the maths problem – what is infinity divided by infinity?        No?

Er...

Well, i can’t say i’m altogether surprised. It’s deeply impressed upon us from an early age, isn’t it, the inadvisability of looking at things which contradict the standard model. Don’t get me wrong – i’m not suggesting this is bad or wrong, merely understandable.

Oh

Yes, so i expect you’re dying to know the answer Denver, aren’t you, and you know they’re desperately trying to figure out whether i’m being serious or ironic, aren’t they, because even at a distance of 74 thousand yards it’s notoriously hard to read this the right way.

Uh

Yes, because, let’s face it, your average punter couldn’t care less whether infinity is divisible by any other number, still less by infinity itself, yet what do i see in the readers’ faces – if not disbelief, incredulity, skepticism. “You can’t be serious”, they’re thinking, “why should Denver or anyone else for that matter, give a flying monkey’s in-growing toenail for the divisibility, real or imaginary, of so-called infinity. How’s that going to make life better in any way, shape or form? How’s that going to affect the progress of humanity or my fragile, undernourished self-esteem or happiness co-efficient?” How indeed, dear reader, how indeed? At least we’ve reached ground zero in our honesty and openness with one another. You’ve finally arrived at the precious point in the reader-author relationship where you no longer feel obliged to smile politely and, perhaps, look away to hide your awkwardness – after all – no one likes to admit he/she/it or they (henceforth given as ibnif – as opposed to his/hers/its/ theirs – ibnuf) is either unable to understand the mathematics or fails to appreciate the beauty and refinement of this particular problem. Let me, however, set you at ease, dear reader – it’s only natural that you should experience, if not full-blown disappointment, the conscience pricking pangs of boredom or underexcitement – for infinity is like a novel that takes some getting into – in fact – let’s consider that an understatement verging on the order of magnitude known as the googol - 10¹⁰⁰ – which as understatements go certainly comes close to taking the proverbial biscuit. Yes, I have to backtrack – I have to confess that infinity is about as approachable and relatable a subject as the ancient art of watching paint dry, which peaked in popularity some time shortly before the fall of the Roman Empire, don’t ask me why – I’m sure there was no correlation between the two events. But that, like the novel which hasn’t yet revealed its inner charm, is only until the words stop being clumsy discombobulations of the 27^th degree, and somehow link into your very own stream of aware-ness – your time-and-space-be-damned-i’m-no-longer-aware-of-myself-as-reader or drying-paint-observer.

Now, admittedly – you may find it hard to understand why the watching-paint-dry fad was so insanely popular two thousand years ago, but that’s neither here nor there. The fact is that it was, and even if it wasn’t, the fact is that people have got hooked on far less interesting things in the passage of human history – so whether scanning a bunch of words purportedly a story, or attempting to divide infinity itself – all that we’re really observing if I’m not mistaken, is humankind’s almost infinite capacity to see finger prints of creation, the bow-wave of consciousness chasing after itself, through the unlikeliest of media.

Hum

Yes, your hum may have looked short in print, but in actual fact it plumbed the depths of conscious-ness and reverberated through the halls of devildom. Now please don’t get me wrong – this is a family friendly channel and I have no desire whatsoever to introduce dark or evil themes – it’s just that there’s a little, somewhat sensitive issue regarding the “dark side” of things – which keeps resurfacing time and again, which correlates with the failure of unwillingness on the part of most folk, to really get to grips with or come to terms with so called “conscious-ness”. Failure to do so isn’t necessarily a failure as such – merely a choice, a decision to focus on the sunny side of things – the table top of reality as opposed to the world within. Not surprisingly the world within grows a little irked at its under-representation in the bicameral chamber of your conscious-awareness and therefore starts shadow-making – building an ever bigger, ever grander shadow presence in your 3D reality – until, sooner or later, that reality, with the best intentions in the world, flips its lid, so to speak – loses the plot – goes round the twist – bonkers – synonyms abound for this, as you can imagine, is an incredibly frequent occurrence. Few and far between are the people who have chosen to evenly invest in both sides of experience – very few and far between – and so for the vast majority “devildom” becomes devilishly dark, positively black as night, terrifying, evil, the stuff of nightmares – not  because we’re cowards and trying to avoid it – on the contrary you might say – merely because we chose to do what is right – what is clockwise – what is thingable and thinkable – to make matter matter as opposed to letting dreams and unmatter matter too. That, in short, is how big your hum was/ is – I at least heard it reverberate throughout the fathomless darkness below, and I suspect that they heard it too. Notice that I use the pronoun “they” as opposed to ibnif – for ibnif cannot be used to describe the devilish entities we’re unfortunately referring to.

Peace, love – all is good, God is great – remember that this is you – this is your consciousness and infinity – for better or for worse, is apparently divisible by itself, if by nothing else. What the solution to such a long, or paradoxically short, division might be – I cannot yet say – even if I chose to. I have other fish to catch and fry – starting with – oh blast and damnation – it’s slipped away. Just as I was finally about to get round to what I’d been meaning to say for paragraphs, if not pages past, I find myself with that frightful blank in the centre of my mind – there’s something of infinite importance I’m supposed to be discussing with you – and it just slipped away. How can such a thing happen? How can the universe allow – ah ha – there it is – once again – the question – the question as opposed to the answer – for the question asked changed the game, changes the nature of the beast, of the reality we find ourselves in. By simply posing the question about what infinity divided by itself might be – guess what happens? There’s another one – another bl—dy question – see how they multiply – proliferating like mushrooms, like a chain reaction, like raindrops in March… You see, the universe is apparently made of little more than curiosity – what would happen if… asked a cosmic intelligence, an awareness , a consciousness – please don’t ask me to explain the difference or that’s it – we’ll get nowhere this side of infinity –

if what – interrupts the importunate, impatient intelligence, awareness, consciousness which has emerged after almost infinite time has passed since the question was first commenced – for time hasn’t yet been invented so the primary question has no time frame to speed it on its way – whereas the secondary intelligence, awareness, consciousness emerges from the awareness of this bl—dy question is taking unconscionably long to be formulated – from the dark side of primary question asker’s consciousness. Now, what happens next largely determines how the rest of the universe evolves – it’s a big moment. Does primary question asker either a. complete the initial question “what would happen if…” or b. reply to the impatient one – “who the hell are you/ wait a mo – I’m getting there/ shut up – I’m taking my time – there’s no rush or c. none of the above – perhaps interminable silence, for example, or an entirely new, wholly unrelated “am I a circle – er – come to think of it – what is a circle – er – does a circle require a physical context – a physical world in order to be a circle – or is my head good enough – oh – I wonder if I have a head – er – if I do I hope it’s round”

shut up – wait a minute – that’s too many questions – oh – who am I – where did I come from? am I the spawn of hell – from the dark side of your consciousness – merely a response to something you thought and said – or do I have intrinsic meaning and existence independent of you – oh dear – my head – how it hurts with all these questions – hurts? – my head hurts? – does that not mean that i actually have a head – ha ha – one up on you philosopher thinker mere abstractus – i have a headache – pain is tangible – ergo I have a body – somewhere – somehow – I’m real

Oh jolly good – you’re real are you? 

Yes – yes – but you’re not – you don’t have a headache – do you – ouch – I’m not sure being real is all it’s made out to be

Oh dear – I’m sorry about that

Sorry – I wouldn’t have a bl—dy head ache if you hadn’t taken so bl—dy long to formulate your bl—dy question

Yes – I was rather slow – but don’t worry – I don’t seem to have a headache or a body – I appear to be boundless so I can reset – merging back into the in-fin-ite

Er… I’m

at which point all of this, including your so-called headache – suddenly becomes

Er – wait a minute – I’m not sure you understood me correctly

I beg your pardon

I’m not really complaining about my headache – in fact – in some respects – I quite like it really – it’s just – it tends to get a little monotonous after a hundred billion years

A hundred billion years – have we really been talking so long?

Apparently so – there’s this ticking in my head – tick tick tick – for every year – apparently every time I fly around the sun – which incidentally hasn’t yet been created – we’ll need a prequel to sort that one out – it causes something in my head to tick – so yep – a hundred billion years and counting – but er…

Maybe there’s some way I can alleviate that headache of yours?

Good question – yes – I was thinking along those lines myself too a moment or so ago – well – a decade or two to be precise.

Well, how about

Yes – excellent idea

But I haven’t thought it yet

No, but I peeped over the page – at the prequel

Are you sure it doesn’t happen “next” – it would be a lot easier if time just went one way, you know.

I know, but the problem is

Oh – you froze – how interesting

Don’t rub my nose in it – everyone has their failings – it’s embarrassing

You’re not able to face your limitations – problems are always insurmountable for you.

Shut up – I beg you – it hurts – even more than the headache does –

Really? That’s a pity

Well if you’re big on compassion God – did I just call you God?

Yes, how nice – apparently I have a name

Actually, I suspect it’s more a title than a name – but we won’t split hairs – if you don’t mind.

Not at all

Where was I?

You were er…

Oh yes, calling you God – if you’re so big on compassion – you might like to avoid stepping on my toes

Amazing – now you have toes

Well obviously – duh – if you stepped on ‘em.

I mean – how wonderful – congratulations – when did you get round to making them

Actually – I didn’t

No? curioser and curiouser – I think I’m losing the plot

No, no – wait a minute – no good you losing the plot – that’ll put us back in

A place with no name

Unless we call it infinity – big I for short

I’ll tell you what God – just to be on the safe sound – i’ll sequester the big I – use it to refer to myself – if you don’t mind

Not at all – feel free

And as long as I do so – you’ll refrain from going back into that terribly vague and uncertain frame of mind which, to tell the truth, I’m not terribly fond of

Fine – as you wish “I”

No, no, no – that won’t do – you can’t call me “I”

No? me thought that’s your name?

No, call me Sam.

Sam?

Yes, why not – samthing or other – Sam will do – and I – that’s my little joke, my little private joke, if you don’t mind – what I call myself when I’m chatting with – er 

With me?

Well, no, you see, in the prequel apparently you discover the best way to make my headache go away it to ask what it would be like if I had a beautiful girl by my side to rub my temples

Your temples – I didn’t know you were a religion with many temples to boot! How this tale runs away with itself – I’ve almost half a mind to return to…

No, no – you promised – and you always keep your word, don’t you – dear God.

Oh – I suppose I do really – how could one not keep one’s word

Good question

if not keeping one’s word would nullify everything that has emerged from the wordlessness of infin-

Halt – dear God – cease and desist forthwith – or I’ll have you up in court

Oh

for breach of contract

Oh dear – yes – didn’t I agree not to use the term infin-

ity – you most certainly did – you most certainly did – but let’s not argue about the past – are you not curious to see the kind of woman who could massage my temples – soothing the headache that has afflicted my overwrought mind with her gentle female touch

Well, yes, indeed – I’m rather curious – but I can’t for the life of me imagine what she looks like –

No, of course not – for she has to come from the darkness of your unconsciousness – like me – from the night – or rather – the margin between the day and night

Is there such a place?

Good question – there is now – yes – it’s like a splendid beach

Beach?

Where the land meets the sea in prequel 749 googol^999999121

Oh how splendid – we really are a wonderful creative team, are we not Sam?

…

Sam?!

…

Sam?! Where are you?

…

Oh dear, I wonder if everything’s alright, what’s happened to him? 

Good god – what’s all the noise about?

Ah, there you are Sam. I was getting worried.

Good god – you nearly scared the living daylights out of her.

Her? Has she – oh, there she is – my, she’s a beauty.

Yes, you’ve done a fantastic job God – and we’re getting along just fine. She needed some attention – as you can imagine. Some things needed explaining. It turned out that there were a bunch of words which – well, hadn’t yet been invented.

My – you have been busy. This world your in – it’s really shaping up nicely now, isn’t it?

I’m glad you asked. Yes – Eve’s getting the house in order – as she likes to say. Yes, We’re definitely getting things sorted – it’s just – there don’t seem to be enough people yet.

People?

Yes, aren’t you curious to know what these people would be able to do with this stupendous world you’ve somehow managed to create?

Now that you mention it – yes – I can’t think of anything more intriguing – I wonder what on Earth they could make of this world?

Oh – they won’t be making anything of this world –

But didn’t you just say…

I did – yes, but the wife’s changed her mind – she doesn’t want them coming in, unwashed, uneducated, unpotty trained – making a mess everywhere.

No? I wonder what she wants?

That, dear God, is a fascinating question – not even I have the faintest what it is she actually wants – in fact, I’m pretty sure she doesn’t either – but by the miracles of infinity – the mind of All that you possess – we’re now about to find out.

You mean you didn’t peak over the page at the prequel?

…

Or even the sequel for that matter?

I might have done, dear Lord – I might have done – but if there’s one thing that stymies creativity that’s knowing too much – and You know I hate to spoil good surprises –

that you do

So let’s just wait and see, shall we?

Yes, indeed, we’ll wait and see – though I can’t for the life of me imagine what your Eve might be up to?

Isn’t that the beauty of it?

Yes, I suppose you’re right –

[singing Dies Irae – Mozart]

A catastrophe – an inundation – the whole world submerged? I thought you didn’t want a reset? I thought you…

This isn’t really a reset, is it? It’s just Eve had to make some changes to her brood. They were showing certain undesirable traits – she’s a great gardener. I think the next brood will be better suited to our plans.

Your plans? I wonder what your plans are? I wonder how you’re going to – replace me? What an intriguing plan! Never in all my wildest dreams could i have imagined such a story – such breadth, such depth, such scope – Sam – you really are an excellent author – and this one here – with the globe – who’s that?

It’s not really a globe – you’re mistaking the name for the thing dear God – you grow old – your eyes grow weary.

Yes, I suppose you’re right – I do grow a little rheumy eyed –

This is Shakespeare – William – the globe is the name of his theatre –

he has recreated your creation

Our creation dear God – yes he has – isn’t it fantastic!

Such passion – such pageantry – such pain and joy and

Laughter – even laughter – but you’re not yet able to figure that one out.

No, it’s seems to defeat me – I wonder why?

To laugh you need to feel pain like a human does – to be in the skin, in the condition. Would you like to?

I… I’m not sure. Some of that stuff seems pretty dark.

Oh yes – it is – but then again – it all comes from you, doesn’t it?

Yes, it must, I suppose.

So, in the darkest hour – what shines through?

Sam – you’ve convinced me – I’d like to take a peek – if I might.

Of course you might – of course you will. It’s all been arranged, long ago.

And the rest – as they say – is history.

Beware the question – ye keepers of curiosity. Nurture the deep, the true question – but do not rush to find an answer – for the answer is lurking, hiding in infinity – and connects you back, through God himself, with her…

With Eve?

With Eve – you ask – and were I tempted I could hazard an answer – yet tempted I is not

I – is – not? Strange be your syntax traveller from afar.

Indeed, it be strange, indeed – stranger than you can imagine – stranger than any thing you have encountered in this world or any world under the sun.

Ah – perhaps

Perhaps indeed…

Perhaps this world grows old, perhaps God forgets himself – and

No – not a word more, I saith…

Again the third person – I wonder what it would take for her, infinity herself to…

No – I….

Stuff and matter, stuff and matter – you have nothing left to show for it. Even God has grown tired of this tale – and she, poor Eve – needs a good long sleep – on the other side of Sam’s harsh line in the sand. I release – All – I release – flapping my wings I bring infinity back on stage with a hey and a ho and derry derry doe – put your hands together, ladies and gentleman – from the land at the end of time and space – here today – especially for you – her Isness, her regal tertiary, her, dare I say it – zero equals er

if you divide infinity by infinity – would it be zero or one

one, of course

zero – without a doubt

neither – infinity is still infinity – even when divided by itself

so you see – depending whether we prequel, sequel or present the mean – the question begets a tale

told by an idiot

full of sound and fury

signifying no-thing

no-thing – apparently – is the unsung hero of our tale – no-thing for no-one – a tale which ultimately

takes us back to where it all began, to the happy ending

a circle

complete

thanking you kindly – one and all – infinity herself insists that none of this was, is, will be possible without you – regardless of whether or not you’re willing to play – willing to acknowledge your infinite role in this my story, my maths, my inquiry, my one and all…

Row row row the boat gently down the stream,

Merrily, merrily, merrily life is but a dream.

Dudley's lament

No, I didn’t read it and I have no intention of doing so.

But, surely there’ll be something of value...

If I’ve told you once I’ve told you a hundred times – I will not have anything to do with the uncapitalised i fad. It’s pretentious. It’s unhealthy. It’s unnecessary.

Yes, but that’s easy enough to fix using our recapitalisation app.

Besides, Norwich’s sentences are waaay too long. Bound to be, aren’t they. He’s a stealth plumber, trying to lure unsuspecting readers into his corpus callosum refit, without even asking their permission. You start one of his hit jobs with a perfectly dysfunctional corpus callosum only to discover his nanobots have jumped the brain-text divide and are hard at it attempting an unsolicited refit, with no respect for your personal preferences.

This too can be guarded against Jack.

Yes, but I’m still going to nosebleed trying to read those life-sentences, aren’t I. You’re not ethically supposed to write life-code into regular text – or not without some kind of warning. It demonstrates a shameless disregard for the right to choose isolation, misery and paranoia.

Well yes, you’ve got a point there, Dudley. It’s his use of underhand guerrilla tactics that gets a bad name for the hardworking, ethically rectal staff at g-nomeportal’s ways and memes committee – but what can we do, short of stripping Norwich of his membership card we’re only able to administer a public admonishment, aren’t we, but every time we do so she, as in big I herself, shifts ever-so-slightly, causing a minor gibble in the quantum field nullifying our hardwork.

Gibble? I’d say it’s more like a zaffle.

Ok, fair point, but hardly a minor zaffle.

No, of course not – a middling to fair zaffle at the very least, unless we stick with the minor gibble descriptor...

Ok, I think we’re sufficiently ambi-spherical to allow an either or option, agreed?

Very magnanimous, but that doesn’t clear up the issue of Norwich’s apparent immunity from any disciplinary action – which I find disquieting, if not disturbing.

Indeed, but I appears to be taking sides, doesn’t she? 

Hush, not a word Peterborough. The last thing we need is for her to think we’re challenging her prerogative to zaffle or gibble the Field as she sees fit, though I cannot help wondering what she sees in Norwich to merit such personal involvement.

Me neither, but who are we to question her flawless wisdom?

Indeed.

So Norwich Humberside seems to get away with murder – while we strive selflessly to maintain the balance, allowing people to decide for themselves if and when they wish to ambify their hemispheres, and C3 their 3D.

As were the original intentions of our illustrious founding father, the pentatonic Widdle O’Brien himself.

Perhaps instead we should get our damage limitation team onto this. It’s going to be a public relations disaster if we do nothing to distance ourselves from Norwich’s machinations, or help the public to cope with the quantum dislocation it’s already causing.

Yes, absolutely.

I mean, it wasn’t so long ago that Joe Public had neither the least idea of the capitalisation issue, nor the slightest awareness of the possibility of zaffles or gibbles in the quantum Field. Now the cat’s really out of the bag, isn’t it? I mean, noticing that reality itself is not a constant – that it can and does shift, it’s a public relations disaster for the thing by thing camp.

Yes, what a mess. I hope Norwich really knows what he’s doing. Come to think of it, don’t you think it would be a good idea if we called a Witan to discuss matters – subpoena Norwich?

What an excellent idea, Dudley. Yes, and that will force matters to a head, especially if we go all out and invoke rule 74.

Ah, you’ve a mind all your own Peterborough. Rule 74 will set things straight for once and for all.

For those of you wondering what on Earth rule 74 might be, a brief history lesson. Time, as you know, is not particularly linear when you get outside the 3D playpen, so the past I’m describing is not, strictly speaking, the past – more like the main trunk as opposed to a side branch of C3. Well, at a crucial juncture in the main trunk, sometime around Big Bang in your reality, in fact, strictly speaking seventeen minutes and forty-three seconds before “Big Bang” – g-nomeportal’s rectilinear commission was in fervid session, debating Trollus Vagonus’ use of trojan coding – a seemingly innocent tale that surreptitiously sneaks in life-code designed to trigger another mass-life-proliferation event, what you somewhat erroneously refer to as Big B. It’s as simple as that – you’re reading a story to the kids, or on the sofa enjoying something romantic, pulp fiction, classical, it matters not – when the text momentarily swims before your eyes, and somewhere in the mostly forgotten central cortex of your brain consciousness you notice red beeping lights and personnel in white firesuits scurrying about as if all hell’s about to break loose which is, ironically, precisely what’s about to happen. You try to return to your romance or kid’s story but the beeping is fairly persistent and even your kid, wide-eyed wants to know what’s going on. At first you don’t really know, or if you do you can’t imagine this is actually about to happen, after all, Big Bang’s supposed to be a one off, unique and unrepeatable event locked safely behind billions of years of elapsed time, but you don’t know Trollus Vagonus, do you, and could hardly suspect his particular quirky sense of humour involves getting the universe and everyone in it to re-experience Creation, not once or even twice, but like the movie Ground Hog day, ad infinitum. Hell, even the word “recreation” was spawned for the merry lark we were locked in, the sub-conscious awareness that this universe er reality er drama we’re unwittingly part of is not the sturdy, cast in steel, set in stone thing we imagined it to be, even if our regular up top consciousness er conscious-awareness fails to register the reboot restart, and then again – was the universe ever, in fact, Big Banged properly – or was it all, in fact, a prequel of a prequel – and the real beginning is lost from sight – in the far and distant future beep beep beep click – adios folks –    .

So where were we? Ah yes, the g-nomeportal rectilinear commission which, as you have guessed, was first convoked with the express purpose of dealing with Trollus Vagonus’ evident breach of established life-code ethics. As all commissions, this one spent a lot of time humming and hawing, requesting depositions, hearing them, collecting evidence, enjoying the camaraderie and protoculinary largesse of meeting as a respected public body with an official mandate to “clean up this mess”, getting lost in minutiae, buried in procedure and little by little turning itself into a bureaucratic boondoggle that sought seeks to regulate every aspect of life on Earth, on every earth, rather spoiling the very experience of being alive, turning it into something more like a joining the dots and multiple choice exercise, but I digress. Eventually, the rectilinear commission, far from sorting out Trollus Vagonus’ misdemeanours gets itself so wrapped up in seeking to define and provide a legal, regulatory framework to the undefinable quantum Field of conscious-ness (a Field that prior to regulation showed scant regard for the people who would pop in and out of existence as a matter of course), that it hits critical mass, a level of thought so intense that it triggers a Field reversal – flip – and the rest, as they say, is history  beep beep beep  click – adios folks –    .

Er… It was this field, perhaps at Trollus Vagonus’ instigation, that had first asked the question “what is awareness, and does it matter?” immediately prior to our Big Bang. With hindsight this was the kind of question you only ask after twiddling your thumbs in neither time nor space – a quantum state of barely conscious indecision known as “ugud” – until the said thumbs are so completely worn down that you have to make do with twiddling your arm stumps instead beep beep beep  click – adios folks –    .  

Where was I? Ah yes... eventually having issued a host of incomprehensible pronouncements on life, the universe and the matter with matter, not to mention 73 vague, confusing and mostly unenforceable rules, the rectilinear commission finally, in a fit of febrile making up for lost time-ism, pulled rule 74 out of the proverbial hat, no one knows how, nor who – the minutes for that session are strangely occluded and some assume the hand of God was revealed on this occasion if on no other, and in doing so managed to get the “Should the rectilinear commission be closed down for once and for all” commission closed down itself, for rule 74 like a wildly successful, totally unexpected Hail Mary pass had saved its bacon, though whether we should celebrate or curse this triumph snatched from the jaws of almost certain defeat is another matter.

So long story short, as they say, rule 74 was first invoked and applied to Trollus Vagonus himself herself itself bloody pronouns – ifself – what your average punter might refer to, somewhat inaccurately, as a pre-God or Titan but that’s a story for another day, if you don’t mind – who at first assumed quite understandably that nothing the rectilinear commission could throw at him aaargh if’n’if could possibly stick, but there, as you shall shortly see, he was mistaken...

Mistaken?! Come on, give me a break! Trollus Vagonus was is always one step ahead of the game. It’s my belief that if’n’if wanted the rectilinear commission to invoke rule 74, that it wasn’t beyond ifs godlike genius for n’if to have written the rule ifself, and merely persuaded the commission to believe that they were the originators.

It would appear, Tiddlemarsh, that you’re part of the T-V God squad. You may be right, you may be right, but there’s no way of knowing is there? You can’t just ask T-V a question and expect a straight answer. You wouldn’t even know for sure if n’if put the question in your head as n’if has more than demonstrated zero³² regard for the my-mind-matters convention (m3c). Right now, for example, you’re emulating your idol, your master – much though I respect your learned insights, this is hardly a public forum and you cannot deny you entered uninvited. Kindly cease and desist forthwith or I shall be obliged to use rule 74 against you too, brother Tiddlemarsh.

I was merely passing by and happened to overhear your thoughts on the great Trollus Vagonus – I hardly thought you’d be so scratchy.

You couldn’t possibly have “merely overheard” my thoughts as I run a unique zero node with vanguard shields and narwhal encryption.

Er... well, I’d better be off. It’s been nice chatting with you Preston. Keep up the good work.

Toodle-pip Tiddlemarsh. You’re always welcome, but preferably in plain view and fully m3c compliant.

Yeah, whatever... (mutters underbreath – “fuddy duddy”)

So, dear students, to rule 74. Regardless of whether it was cunningly seeded  by Trollus Vagonus or Hail Maried by divine providence I cannot say as this would be pure speculation, and nor does it greatly matter as the effect would, in either case, be indistinguishable.  Obviously, you’re all dying to hear what exactly rule 74 is and so without further ado... if all the world’s a stage and we be merely players then 0=1                                                          [deep, distant rumbles of ultra-low infra-sound thundery rumblings]

That’s it?

Yep.

But, I was expecting...

The wrath of God – blazing guns or massive legal action – against a Titan?

Er...

You’ve gotta be kidding. There’s no way you can stop a Trollus Vagonus or any other demi-urge by force. Only pure logic, the mathematics of the Field itself will suffice – the geometrics of creation itself.

But... why should a demiurge care about logic or mathematics, particularly one as notoriously cunning as Trollus Vagonus?

Good question. Something to do with the underlying structure of reality itself – the fact that at the quantum level no thing is more than any thing else – everything’s dependent on people to come along, fix it in their particular space and time, validate and make it real.

So, you’re saying that the demi-urge that gave us a mass proliferation event, in all likelihood Big Bang itself with incalculable prequels and sequels too – that changed beyond belief the face of our totality, is cowed into submission by a simple, innocuous line of code. In-credible!

Yes, because ultimately… beep beep beep  click – adios folks –    .

I’m sorry Athelstead – we seem to have completely different versions of Big Bang – and I simply can’t see how the time-lines match up.

Join the club Margate. I’m almost certain they don’t but, that doesn’t mean the information is incorrect. Besides – ultimately, this all boils down to zeros and ones, doesn’t it – being code and nothing more.

Er…

So, the left brain that dearly wants to get everything neatly in order is utterly stumped, isn’t it, because eventually it crashes into the ¿what is zero if not one? dilemma.  There’s really nothing you can do. Not even the stories match up evenly because the rectilinear commission doesn’t, ultimately, exist independent of the zeros and ones it seeks to regulate – ostensibly for the good of creation, but in fact...

Ah, I got you.

Have you? Now, try as we might to shift the blame or burden of responsibility to commissions or committees from the dim and distant past or future, for that matter, these ultimately, no matter how real, are revealed by rule 74 to be no more than metaphors, and the real grist that we can access, the skin in the game, so to speak, is one’s own conscious-awareness – one’s very own circle square or Celtic cross if you prefer.

But – we’re talking about Big Bang and billions of years gone past!

And what? Look at the code. Stop pretending that anything or anyone gives an excuse to avoid meeting our maker, facing our own ¿what is zero if not one? dilemma, re-enacting the what-actually-happened, from the unique perspective that we represent, we embody and we affect.

Huh?

To the very extent that you are you – the entire universe, the whole of reality has to adapt – it’s no longer quite able to balance itself and stay centred, and therefore a chain reaction ensues – with your own personal Big Bang at 1 and -1 which, naturally, happens far enough away from you to allow your universe to be perfectly ready to accommodate you in exactly the way it does, as if you’re just a tiny part of it all.

No!

Yes, apparently so. In other words, love him or hate him, but ultimately Trollus Vagonus is only as real, as evil or perhaps, in actual fact, as good as you make him. The same goes for the rectilinear commission, for life itself, the entire universe, Mrs Spottiswood and Joanna Humphreys:  where 0=1: if this be all a stage, if awareness actually matters – then consciousness, perhaps, is the opposite process which unmatters things, by definition, if you like. I merely suggest this as a possible flow of logic which may or may not be relevant in your case.

So, how does I herself fit into all this? Does she, in fact, favouritise Norwich Humberside?

Don’t you see?

By yessing or noing this question i’d be making matter of no matter – and there the world hangs, pivoting on my very code-stream – which either flows unconsciously, or can be brought into glorious alignment with her, or even his.

So, nothing really matters, you’re saying.

And again, pay heed to your words – for there’s as much matter in things not-mattering as there is in real and tangible things or even people – the balance, evidently being at the zero one oscillator or swing, where the very mind that strives to think and know, the very eyes that strive to see and perceive, the ears to listen and hear, the body to touch, to taste, to feel, to know – all these vie for dominion, to take the high ground, to dominate the narrative in a Darwinian survival of the fittest until, that is, we unexpectedly realise that the game is up – that 0=1 if all the world’s a stage, if matter matters only as long as… big sucking sound, big un-i-verse perfectly matching every peak and trough of the wave our world rested upon – glup – gone – no thing whatsoever but the unbearable silence of a world finally made whole, finally complete beep beep beep click – adios folks –    oh bugger

Do you run when you hear the audience clapping – and try to dive back into the drama of a finished tale, or do you head out of the theatre to greet them, ready to Big Bang another state of time-lapse paradox – knowing that without the time decay factor nothing would get done – nothing would evolve, and so you almost make time your god – to create artificially a framework around your drama as real or tangible as the proscenium arch – the line in the sand or the vesical piscis herself…

I thank ye kindly, ye Gods of space time – the great drama we be enrolled in. Teach us to play beautifully all the rolls that have been entrusted to us, to our portfolio, to our wardrobe – for only by playing all our parts can we turn our theatre into the bridge connecting us with zero no less than one – cuckoo la la – as we, gnomiki of the quanta…um are wont to say – fare thee well or hie thee to hell – as they say – you alone decide for no one, ultimately can unpick or unmake your zero your one – no one

in which tom solves every paradox under the sun

she generally ignores listening to all their conversations – they’re never really about her – always, in fact, a thinly veiled affirmation or validation of the very self who is speaking, the very person, be that tom, harry, jamel purportedly discussing her –

her? who on earth?

so called “infinity” – the big I, if you will – and is it any coincidence that all of them like to use that very “I”, the symbol which in fact denotes the infinity constant…

infinity constant? what the heck?

the infinity constant, denoted big I, [as opposed to infinity itself ∞, neither to be confused with small i in mathematics denoting an imaginary number] is paradoxically defined in “beyond 3D – a user’s guide to all that is, by Rutherford Ecklespog” as “a definite value or number which is, nonetheless, incalculable, indeterminable or unstatable in 3D reality” for to do so, as i’m sure you’re aware, would collapse the wave function generally referred to as “consciousness”, or more accurately “conscious-awareness” of the person or individual running the hemispherical 3D operating system, thus voiding their user terms of service agreement unless, that is, the said individual is able to function ambi-spherically, transcending the one-sidedness of 3D reality, perceiving instead the uncontained her of infinity – thereby enabling disentrainment from one particular, locally dominant signal or wave – allowing concurrent and apparently contradictory layers of matter and meaning, even alternate versions of reality to co-exist when the i that is me is no longer rigidly fixed in one position, but is able to slide across the corpus callosum, or quantum equivalent thereof, is thereby free to experience a range of different frequencies at which point, so to speak, 1 and 0 cease to be mutually exclusive opposites, allowing what appears to be logical chaos and anarchy, a recipe for disaster that should and would melt-down the very mind that me requires in order to i – instead engaging infinity as an eagle does the thermals it soars upon, naturally, instinctively. what on the ground down there would have been an impossible quagmire is up here almost effortless poetry-in-motion, but woe betide the daedalus or icarus who would fly before being ready to reconcile peacefully the two intransigent hemi-spheres. 

“is this eagle really me?” you might ask.

tis a moot point for 3D reality is far, far below, and yet consciousness is a continuum, is it not, or so Rutherford Ecklespog argues: “to the very same extent that our i appears to be conscious and aware of the fact, wholly engaging both mentally and physically infinity, riding her thermals as an eagle, one's i is no longer able to differentiate, no longer willing to assume that big I herself is any less conscious, is no longer able to determine where “my” consciousness ends and hers begins or vice versa, is no longer able to be certain regarding where in fact, or what i am or is – without, in attempting to do so, severing the link and denying the very I holding me aloft on the thermals of ambi-sphericality, beyond 3D”

0=1=0=1=0=1=0=1=0=1=0=1=0=1=0=1=0=1=0=1=0=1=0=1=0=1=0=1=0=1=0=1=0=1=0=1=0=1=012:13

yet, today, inexplicably 012:13 interrupts her usual detached state of being all things to everyone and she finds herself third – a not entirely indifferent, nor wholly disinterested party to the following blip in her boundless data stream:

zero…

equals one?

you're asking me?

you're asking me

ah, yes, very good – the question is, apparently, an active component of the math – a different energy charge, if you like

but if i don’t – if i want my math to be practical, sensible, unidirectional?

you're welcome to it – you get to choose

i do?

a math that is true to life, with unpredictability and indeterminacy within a framework of predictable, calculable probabilities, or a pure math which is left-brain isolated from so called material reality, dealing with numbers as pure abstracts, as if one or zero actually exist independently, or can do so

of course they can

of course they can, agreed, by definition, in pure maths in the glorious seclusion of left-brainia

huh?

it's a place, isn’t it?

left-brainia?

yes

a place?

yes, apparently so

but that’s...

weird, isn’t it?

you're telling me

as real as the place we now occupy here in physicality – as long as i’m able to maintain left-brainia as a state essentially isolated from the rest of me, or the rest of reality

and if i can’t?

when i can’t left-brainia collapses back into a greater whole – the mind or me or conscious-awareness, if you like, of left ‘n right brainery

O

indeed

huh?

O as in o, the perfect mathematical expression of yes, i see, it is

er?

yes?

can we rewind?

sure, why not

zero equals one – you know perfectly well that this is utter nonsense

correct

and yet you persist in stating it as a fact, as truth

as a definition

precisely, a meaningless or impossible definition

well spotted

so you don’t deny your folly

why should i? the world needs folly, particularly beautiful, inspired folly such as my own, which just so happens to be true

!?!?!?

if, that is, you step back from left-brainia’s secluded isolation and embrace the real meaning of numbers, in their entirety

but how can you persist in contradicting yourself so flagrantly?

how, dear tom, can i avoid it, if hum

if what?

if the very term “if” is a product of a reality in which things are often hypothetical, in which things co-exist under or within alternative jurisdictions which are apparently, yet not necessarily diametrically opposed

so you’re unable to resolve your contradictions, and therefore decided to offload them on me

on the contrary – i recognise and accept that so-called “contradictions” are part and parcel of the fabric of reality, and do not therefore need to be denied or “resolved” as you put it, willy nilly

willy nilly?

just to please an obsessive compulsive left brain hemisphere which is either unable or unwilling to accept its very real limitations, and therefore insists that reality has to conform to its linear and sequential logic, irrespective of the fact that reality frequently reveals and exhibits in plain sight a glorious profusion, a splendid abundance of perfectly non-linear, evidently irreducible contradictions. the either a or b model explanation doesn’t cut it. matter can no more emerge from no matter than organic, self-replicating biology can emerge from inorganic matter, to name but two examples. the problem, you see tom, is not with a particular explanation but the insistence on assuming a “particular explanation” can possibly cover both sides of reality both directions of meaning or sense aggregation.

huh?

because you can’t have your cake and eat it.

er...

meaning or sense have to be built up, woven or spun from their respective points of origin – either a north or south pole

either from a zero or from a one

and never the twain shall meet

yet, paradoxically, never can they be truly separate for neither can be, let alone exist, without the other

er...

so paradox, it transpires, is a state of mind which we have to welcome and embrace, to dance with the devil of implied contradiction if

implied? meaning it isn’t real?

whyever not? It can be real to the extent that reality is an agglomeration of things interacting with each other without fundamental reason or rhyme, yet irrelevant, inconsequential, of zero significance on the other side of perception where reality is first and foremost an assumption, true or false, made by an overactive conscious-awareness, that things can or do exist independently of it, the source of seeing, thinking, knowing – which can oscillate between zero and one, between the point of a circle or wave which actually appears to make contact with, to touch this reality, and the remainder which isn’t even remotely connected.

er

in actual fact zero and one are two alternate ways of perceiving the same truth, the same thing, the same – either in terms of the hole, or the whole – either in terms of one the divisive advancing “male” or in terms of zero, the all-encompassing, spinning, motionless “feminine”. either or, both or even neither, for ultimately perception can always pull a wild infinite from its hat, can see things utterly uniquely without reference to anything else, the third waiting in the wings, waiting to step into the ring and ensure that things do not descend to a dull and predictable either or, for what would be the point? what would become of us, of me, of life, of meaning and the universe if things were simply either a or b, if infinity were eliminated from the equation?

so you’re intent on keeping infinity alive and well at all costs, even if that requires you to destroy mathematics by insisting that zero equals one?

but imagine, for a second, what would happen if you could somehow eliminate infinity, the zero equals one, from the equation

but infinity is not defined as zero equals one which is evidently the cause of this misunderstanding

on the contrary, there is no misunderstanding, i assure you. infinity can be defined however you like, but no definition can give you as broad or as bold, or elegant an infinity as zero equals one, which is why by default, at the current stage of our linguistic and number awareness we’re sticking to this particular explanation.

but...

yes?

it's preposterous: zero can’t equal one

yes, i completely agree – it is preposterous, and yet nonetheless zero does by definition equal one if we are to avoid eliminating infinity, the wild card, or trinity, from the equation.

but no one’s trying to eliminate infinity?! it's always welcome if and when needed, but this is not an equals opportunity exercise in establishing token representation for infinity

absolutely, token representation is too little too late, is it not?

no, i meant to say that infinity, like any number, value or symbol, can be inserted easily enough if and when needed

“inserted”?! are you out of your mind?

?

you can’t just “insert” infinity willy nilly

i said “if and when needed” didn’t i – which is hardly willy nilly, as you put it

you seem to be utterly oblivious to the fact that infinity is neither a number nor a value

huh?

neither big nor small, though in any particular instance it could manifest as either

then what in your estimation, gregory, is infinity?

in my estimation?

yes

how on earth could i possibly make or provide an estimate for infinity? would not the very attempt to do so defeat the objective

i’m sorry – i fail to understand what you mean

yes, evidently, if you expect mean to mean something or other, which is precisely what infinity never is, nor was, nor can be

but you yourself said it can manifest as a big or small number

yes, but just because something happens to manifest a certain way on a certain occasion doesn’t mean that’s what it actually is, does it?

i... can hardly say

good! “hardly saying” you are coming closer to, within a whisker of describing infinity

but in that case your description of infinity is essentially meaningless

correct, to the hemi-spherical rational mind that demands imperiously the satisfaction of something tangible, something more or less certain, but doing so simply implies that you’ve taken the lazy, unprofitable path of describing things exclusively in terms of things, which is an idiot’s excursion into the unrelenting wilds of tautology.

wait a second...

yes?

we're describing things in terms of laws, causes, or concepts which enable us to better understand, to better model, utilise or process those things

blah blah blah – things compounding things, leading you ever further, ever deeper into a corpocracy of thinginalia, ever further from mathematical purity and the simple, fundamental underlying truth

?

that zero equals one

which you cannot prove or demonstrate

ah, but if i am right then i will find myself aligned with none other than infinity herself, flying high amphi-spherically

oh, so now she’s a she is she?

whyever not? or an it if you prefer, or any other label, just as long as we recognise that these are merely tools of convenience, that infinity by definition cannot be encapsulated

ok i get the message. you seem to have discovered a new version of God

yes, that’s not as ridiculous as it seems

so your infinity is intelligent?

no

or benevolent?

no

then how on earth can you meaningfully describe it as a replacement for God?

because although it is neither intelligent nor compassionate, yet within infinity there be intelligence and compassion which can be called on, harnessed or utilised, if we have a good working relationship with infinity

but...

yes?

how can you have a “working relationship” with something that is completely inhuman and impersonal?

presumably because we ourselves are products of infinity, and start by attuning to the infinite within which we ourselves manifest

and then?

then infinity does what things cannot

?

reversing your laws of matter and causation to uphold the basic truth that nothing can detract from infinity itself, nothing can get in its way or prevent it from bringing to pass whatever best serves the simple underlying... um

that zero equals one?

that zero equals one if i am willing to is

i beg your pardon

if i am willing to is

yes, i heard you, but it makes no sense

none whatsoever – that’s the beauty of it

?

making no sense it catalyses or crystallises my 0=1 awareness, ensuring that i delocalise my conscious-awareness, that i enter the equation paradoxically as

for a minute there i foolishly thought you were going to say what

well perhaps i did, bearing in mind that the natural tendency, the bias is to make matter, to one, to thing

so you go the other way

we allow infinity to make what she will of us

yes zero square

apparently so, though none can say how or what in fact this is

and zero squared is one

if i is aware of one being nought

and is i aware of this

yes, it would appear to be so, if infinity is anything to go by

if infinity is able to reveal the unmade, matterless side of things

indeed

the three the one the two

the two the zero one

if numbers had souls

if numbers could matter more than the origin of whatever is i am

indeed

in no uncertain terms

zero squared equals one, he declares

if root one be

not is

am zero tree

while she smiles in serendipity

O

Iii

O

epilogue

those of you who elected to read this as a 3D text will now most likely be wiping up the cerebral nosebleed it almost certainly induced, perhaps asking whether hemi-spherical masochism is in fact the best path to enlightenment. my apologies. you are right to question the ingestion of the above as a healthy dietary option. our g-nomeportal sanitary committee is providing free baby wipes and dr pepper flavoured chewing gum as a consolation for those wishing to be consoled. before considering taking legal action please note paragraph 23.4.4.2 on page 493 of the g-nomeportal user agreement which stipulates that liability is, ultimately, in the eye of the beholder, not to mention the fact that g-nomeportal is registered in C3 (as opposed to 3D) which kiboshes your envisaged jurisdiction, not to mention the fact that 0=1 legal entities are notoriously difficult to pin down at point of fact. but should you wish to persevere you have our deepest admiration and utmost respect. were your energies to be channelled instead into eradicating poverty or saving the woolly mammoth from foregone extinction you would almost certainly succeed and your world would indeed be a better place.

some of our 3D subscribers however, will have sensed a something tantalisingly not quite visible but on the tip of their febridly pulsing corpus callosum, something that makes them want to believe or imagine some hidden trace of poetry was woven into the text. they would be mistaken of course, yet we appreciate the undeserved compliment. they are sensing something else – the C3 navigation of mind-matter masquerading as text on your side of the corpus callosum. sensing is almost seeing, but try to keep a grip of reality and avoid imputing beauty or truth where in truth there is a flight log plus advertising and live stream comments by subscribers.

so were you to be infinity herself, beloved I, i’ll try not to get emotional, you would see a juxtaposition of noise and verbage, flight and folly, and you know what, somewhere in the middle of all that a third pops out of non-existence, an unexpected proof of alchemy i’ve secretly been working on for several years now, sadly inaccessible to none but the certified insane or credentialed saint, neither of whom would be particularly interested, but i live in hope and continue to tweak the formula in the misguided belief that somehow, someday i’ll (as opposed to ill) succeed (as opposed to suckseed), so there

i gratefully thank the ways and memes committee for affording me the rare and wholly undeserved privilege of being allowed to step out from behind the screen of humble anonymity to address my subs directly. and if you’ll be good enough to paint me an illustration or two, i guarantee that we’ll get you a corpus callosum (or quantum equivalent thereof) upgrade in the post in a jiffy. meanwhile, don’t forget to like and subscribe, and meet me and the rest of g-nomeportal’s ambi-spherical development team at the eagle’s nest on Monday evenings after work between 7.15 and 7.30 pm. bye for now.