missing the obvious

 

3d reality, 3d reality, blah, blah, blah – who do you think you’re fooling eM?

 

Do you really want to know, Zanzi?

 

Not really – I was being rhetorical, as you know perfectly well.

 

Ah.

 

There is no 3d reality as distinct from some other reality. Our reality is it. Either the only one period, or the only one that matters to people living today on planet Earth. Anything else is pure conjecture.

 

Is that a statement of fact or merely your opinion?

 

Fact. Opinion? What difference does it make? Both, I imagine.

 

Ok. I see what you’re getting at. Allow me.

 

Allow you what?

 

eM starts playing a flute – the flute, in fact – flutey flute – sounds rather nice, but that’s not the point. A minute or two later something pops – literally.

 

Wow. My ears are buzzing. What the heck was that?

 

Oh, hello again – you had an energy blockage.

 

I did?

 

Yep. One of your chakras had slipped out of alignment – or something like that.

 

Really, and what?

 

You started spouting all this stuff about 3d reality being the only thing going.

 

Oh, now I remember. What the hell came over me?

 

I object. Would you kindly desist from using…

 

Oh, hi Beep. Could you just stick to good old fashioned beeping. You’re absolutely right, of course. My apologies. Careless of me.

 

Oh. Ok – if you insist. In that case “Beep” but not too loud.

 

Thanks Beep. You couldn’t offend me if you tried. Not with your deep, clear eyes, filled with spangles of eternity.

 

Oh, I say – how sweet, Zanussi. I’m quite overcome.

 

Well, moving swiftly on, if you two don’t mind.

 

Not at all, eM. By the way – what was the answer you were going to give me?

 

Which answer, Zanussi?

 

To whom you “thought you were fooling” with all this 3d-olatory.

 

Still bothering you, is it?

 

No, not in the least – it’s just I’m curious.

 

Are you now?

 

Yes. Is that wrong?

 

No, not at all. But I rather suspect that you know more than you’re letting on.

 

Oh. You think I know the answer?

 

I think the answer is a process which might benefit you.

 

Ah. Well, you’re not trying to convert the unbelievers – that much I know, as no one reading this is ever going to be persuaded one way or t’other.

 

Absolutely right.

 

So then who?

 

You tell me.

 

Maybe you’re just putting it out there – into the blogosphere – into the collective consciousness?

 

That’s a possibility, for sure.

 

Like the 100-monkey effect. Putting it out there helps shift the collective consciousness if enough people encounter it. Like a hundred monkeys.

 

I think we’re a bit low on the numbers, you know, and besides…

 

Yes, not your style, eM. You’re not trying to win people over to a cause, are you?

 

Nope.

 

So who else could it be for?

 

Consider your logic.

 

Consider my logic? That I assume you’re doing something like this “for a reason” whereas, in fact, there may be no reason, no actual goal, none.

 

Yep.

 

But how likely is that?

 

Ah – probabilities? Rationally, what’s the probability of your very existence, if Darwin was right – if you’re at the end of an immensely long evolutionary chain?

 

Ok, ok, zero, I get it.

 

So probabilities only really matter or work in 3d rationalisations. As soon as we encounter everything else that’s been redacted from the equation – like, er, what could that possibly be…

 

In-finity, perchance?

 

Yep. That’ll do.

 

As soon as we consider in-finity – probabilities are immediately anachronistic – like gravity and the vacuum of space when you realise that the Earth is not, in fact, a sphere.

 

Noooooooooo! Don’t start on that again, please, I beg you.

 

Just saying, as an example of anachronistic or redundant concepts.

 

Ok – moving swiftly on. So, if it’s not a 100-monkey effect attempt to shape public awareness, what the he** – oops, nearly set Beep off again – what on Earth could it be?

 

Probably something very simple, which is why you’re overlooking it.

 

Like what?

 

I don’t know. Honestly. I never really think why I’m doing things – I just do ‘em. It seems to work better that way.

 

Really?

 

Seems to.

 

You don’t constantly find yourself in deep doodoo?

 

Well, occasionally – but it’s always rather exciting trying to extricate oneself from the latest disaster.

 

Like the time you accidentally blew up London?

 

Oh that… was rather embarrassing, I have to admit. But we’d better not digress. They’ll be annoyed.

 

They – your twenty seven million readers?

 

Well, they – whoever/whatever they are.

 

So, it’s perhaps for them – perhaps you’re like a signal emitter – a lighthouse – helping them to see and focus on our reality? That might be it.

 

It might. Interesting hypothesis.

 

Because if they're from the other side – from in-finity, so to speak – or sommat like that – they might find it remarkably hard to hone in, to home in on our reality…

 

Or just on me.

 

On you, eM? Why you?

 

Well, maybe our reality – but I don’t wish to exclude the possibility that it might be me.

 

But why, unless you’re a raving egoist, would you wish to transmit yourself?

 

Why indeed. Of course, I wouldn’t want to draw attention to my rather imbecilic persona – as egoistic as they come – but if, absurd though it may seem, I just happen to be an infinity child – bearing in some way, shape or form 0=1 – the seed or seeds of infinity – then in that respect I might want or need to put myself out there.

 

And is it true? Do you actually imagine you’re an infinity child?

 

I might be. I don’t imagine because if it’s true – it has nothing to do with imagination, and will work itself out through a certain series of rather far-fetched but perfectly logical developments, but on the other hand, it’s equally possible that all of us are infinity children, so there’s no exclusivity presumption or claim – none whatsoever.

 

Glad to hear it. It’s bad enough having to deal with all your raving claptrap – without having the additional burden of rampant egocentricity.

 

Indeed. 

 

So, er…

 

Yes?

 

Do you actually think that in-finity needs to work though certain individuals – a bit like “aliens in our midst”?

 

I don’t know – but it’s certain a possibility, isn’t it – on a purely mentat computational basis.

 

Oh – you’re getting all Thufir Hawat are you?

 

Well, there’s nothing wrong with a little mentat computation – if it isn’t taken too far.

 

And how far would that be?

 

Basically, if you fail to factor in Jessica, Duke Leto’s not-quite-wife.

 

His concubine, you mean.

 

Yes.

 

And how can she be factored in to mentat computation?

 

Well, you saw what happened when Thufir Hawat went all mentat computational and completely overlooked – er…

 

Love?

 

Yes.

 

He messed up.

 

Indeed.

 

And was it inevitable?

 

Not 100%.

 

But…

 

But almost inevitable – in this particular instance, at least. Look – we’re not here to discuss the limitations of computation really, are we, but it needs to be borne in mind…

 

That any rational analytical system always has blind spots. Yes, eM, it does. Good point. So…

 

So in-finity seems to use love or life – in parallel to its data computation system.

 

Yes, but what’s that got to do with using you or anyone else as a carrier of in-finity?

 

It’s a very big question and I’m not sure I can, or should answer it.

 

Whyever not?

 

Because it might do more harm than good, you know. I may end up setting you off down a false trail.

 

Ok – allow me to do a bit of truth-sensing, for what it’s worth.

 

Ok – Zanzi-bar – fire ahead.

 

In-finity, to be in-finite, has to create places or realms within itself which appear to be utterly finite – utterly dead, so to speak and to do that it allows life in those realms to become utterly disconnected from the source of all conscious-ness – something like that.

 

Ok. So, that’s a kind of definition of 3d reality, is it?

 

Yes.

 

But why would infinity want to insert little bubbles or pockets of itself into those dead zones?

 

Well, I’m not sure it would particularly want to – I guess it’s something to do with distribution. In order to achieve quite a powerful level of disconnectedness – of people who are almost living like machines with no sense whatsoever of everything else – like those people on the planet Krikkit who had no idea whatsoever that they were part of a vast and glorious universe...

Hactar was originally created by the Silastic Armorfiends of Striterax to design the Ultimate Weapon. Hactar produced a very, very small bomb that, when activated, would connect every star to every other star, cause them to all go supernova simultaneously and, thus, destroy the universe. The bomb proved dysfunctional because Hactar had designed it with a tiny flaw, reasoning that no consequence could be worse than that of setting the bomb off. The Silastic Armorfiends disagreed and disintegrated Hactar into a dust cloud.

Due to the dust cloud, the sky above Krikkit was completely black, and thus the people of Krikkit led insular lives and never realised the existence of the Universe at large. With the population thus prepared, Hactar disintegrated but still functional, built and crashed a model spaceship onto Krikkit in order to introduce its inhabitants to the concept of the Universe. Secretly guided by Hactar, the Krikkiters built their first spaceship, Krikkit One, penetrated the dust cloud, and surveyed the Universe before them. Unbeknownst to the Krikkiters, Hactar had been subliminally conditioning their minds to the point where they could not accept a Universe into their world view, with the intention of putting them into a similar mindset to that of the Silastic Armorfiends. Sooner or later, they would require an Ultimate Weapon, and this would allow Hactar to finally complete his purpose, something he had felt considerable guilt about not doing before. Upon first witnessing the glory and splendor of the Universe, they casually, whimsically, decided to destroy it, remarking, "It'll have to go." Aided again by the mind of Hactar, the Krikkiters built an incredible battlefleet and waged a massive war against the entire Universe. The Galaxy, then in an era of relative peace, was unprepared, and spent the next 2,000 years fighting the Krikkiters in a war that resulted in about two "grillion" casualties.

 

Where was I?

 

You were rather shamelessly plagiarising the Hitchhiker’s fandom –  https://hitchhikers.fandom.com/wiki/Krikkit - Zanussi.

 

Oh yes. But the point is, in-finity cannot really exclude itself – can it – but it can play around with dispersal and concentration using space and time as variables.

Or fiction.

Indeed.

 

So…

 

So there’s always going to be one poor bugger, sooner or later, who just can’t quite manage to play along with the “this reality thing is really very wonderful and comprehensive, what ho, isn’t it – nothing really missing whatsoever, is there?” default mindset. Something triggers an event in his or her life – and suddenly he/ she

 

Let’s just be damned and say “he” shall we?

 

Ok eM. And suddenly he reconnects to the grid – so to speak – to in-finity – whatever that is or is not, and starts beep beeping – like a purpose-built transponder.

 

Ok. So I’m a beep beeping, am i?

 

Not quite.

 

Huh?

 

That’s the confusing part. You as a person, eM – are as ludicrous and blind as everyone else.

 

Thanks Zanzi-bartholomew.

 

Don’t mention it, eMeritous-inklefuck

 

Do you have to use that horrible name – I’ve done my very best to remove it from reality by introducing all kinds of language tropes – but all to no avail.

 

There’s nothing wrong with your name, eM. No need to create pain and unhappiness just to avoid facing reality. Now, I’ve lost my thread.

 

You were insulting me, if I recall correctly.

 

Oh yes. I was saying that your “I am” is no different from any other I am – tied into the matrix, running the 3d platform software, so to speak – so that’s why we won’t bother saying you’re “a beep beeping I am”.

 

Er… then what am I?

 

You’re demonstrating Thufir Hawat blindness again.

 

Again?! It was you last time.

 

What difference does it make? Blindness is the I am in action. Your I am, my I am – all basically one and the same – nodes in the 3d reality block chain.

 

Damn you, Zanzi-mac.

 

Beep!

 

Damn you too, Beepy-mut!

 

Beep starts playing the Beatles song “While my guitar gently weeps” reducing eM to tears of sincerest regret.

Forgive me, Beep. My bad. Continue, slimeball Zanzi-plak.

 

Happily, eM. You see what is happening?

 

Yes – I’m behaving obnoxiously – not for the first time, I hasten to add.

 

Correct. Because your I am is vulnerable and has to defend itself in critical moments from potential catastrophic disintegration.

 

It does?

 

Yes. Absolutely.

 

That’s nice to know. So I get a free pass.

 

Kind of.

 

Not to blame? Not responsible for being a right royal arse-y-hole?

 

Up to a point – as you would say. Moving swiftly on.

 

Oh do let’s.

 

Apart from the I am there’s an other present, isn’t there?

 

I… there is?

 

Of course. There has to be, doesn’t there.

 

I… can’t quite explain how or why, but something tells me you’re right.

 

The transponder has nothing really to do with your I am 3d persona.

 

In which case…

 

It’s either an “it”

 

Ouch. Don’t like that. Makes me sound like a bloody machine.

 

Beep!

 

Thanks Beep. Bloody is absolutely unacceptable.

 

It is? What’s wrong with “blood”?

 

It ain’t got nothing to do with blood.

 

No, I thought…

 

Yes, didn’t we all – but Beep knows better. Don’t you Beep.

 

Somewhat shyly: er… yes, originally it was “by our Lady”.

 

Ah… that explains it. Ok, moving swiftly on. So, instead of the transponder being an “it” running the show secretly from the shadows of definitely not-me-ness, there’s the alternative which I think you’ll agree, is far more palatable.

 

Not until you tell me what it actually is, Zanzibar.

 

I was just building up to it.

 

Fair enough.

 

I’ll be in the gym doing some pilates if you need me.

 

Ha, ha, very funny, eM.

 

I’m not joking. I’m feeling stiff and awkward with your shocking revelations, Zanz.

 

Oh. Forgive me, eM. I had no idea.

 

Well, perhaps I’m exaggerating just a teeny-weeny smidgen.

 

Damn you, eM. I never know…

 

They’re actually switching channels, Zanz. They have very short attention spans you know.

 

They?

 

Our subscribers.

 

Oh. Them. Well, that’s ok because in-finity has a rather implausible way of getting the message out whenever it’s needed, and never before – like using your “I is” to do the job.

 

Er… grammar alert.

 

The I is definitely does the job. 

 

I suppose so, if grammar matters not. Yes, Zanzi-mac – you’ve presented me with a plausibly absurd version of what might in fact be going on, and done so using words which are designed and tested not to be able to reveal anything of any substance or importance whatsoever. Well done!

 

Er, thanks eM. So, you’re actually confident that you are an I is transponder?

 

No, not at all.

 

But you’d have to say that here within 3d, wouldn’t you – even if you knew…

 

Yes, that’s true.

 

So the proof would be in the pudding, wouldn’t it.

 

Oh no. I don’t like it when people start quoting me.

 

If, in fact, you are an “I is” in-finity transponder – then you’d have to be indestructible here within 3d, wouldn’t you?

 

How did I know you’d get round to this sick and twisted realisation?

 

Wouldn’t you?

 

Sigh. Yes, you’re right.

 

So, if you don’t mind, eM. I’ve prepared a few little tests, just to see.

 

Damn you, Zundel. Supposing I’m not actually I is, beep beeping infinity back and forth.

 

Then you’s a gonna partner…

 

Music from the Good, the Bad and the Ugly – courtesy of Ennio Morricone – while Zanzibar runs a series of 17 different “tests” – starting with bullets, proceeding to poisons, electricity and ending with thermobaric explosions.

There’s er… no denying the fact, eM that – oops – where’s he gone to?

 

…

 

eM?

 

eM?

 

Shit! What have I done?

 

Just triggered a phase change, Zanz. No worries. It’s going to require a system reboot. Hang on while I…

 

3d reality blanks out for – difficult to say how long – and comes back online with a few, not inconsiderable differences.  More anon.

 

 

0=1

₂₇₁₁