So I'm doing a spot of programming.
You mean you’re pissing around imagining you’re able to influence the world as it goes up in flames, or down, in a desperate ploy to overcome your overwhelming feelings of impotency.
Huh...? Dang, you’re good. Am I really that transparent?
Well, you're human, aren't you? What did you expect?
Wait! You mean you're not?!
Oh I’m human too, mostly, I just happen to be good at reading people.
You’re telling me! But you're not, on the other hand terribly good at reading source code, are you?
Source code, my ass!
Could you tone it down a touch?
Huh?
How about – “source code, my foot” – I think it works just as well.
OMG, if it means so much to you, if you think it actually makes a difference. I could say “privy” too, instead of toilet.
Oh yes, we could slowly work our way back to classical English.
As if we have nothing better to do.
Well, that's just the thing, Ed, these seemingly unimportant, outdated matters actually matter hugely where source code is concerned.
You won't give up, will you? You're actually convinced that you can rewrite the matrix?
Well, someone's gotta do it, so I simply have to give my mad delusions the benefit of the doubt.
Ok, two can play at that game. Let me give you the benefit of the doubt for a brief moment. What exactly is it you've been tinkering with?
Ah, thought you'd never ask.
Pathetic.
I thought you were going to give me the benefit of the doubt?
I am. Grudgingly.
Well try again.
Or what? You won't play ball.
Or nothing.
You scare me...
Huh. Max, where are you?
-Nothing emanating unobtrusively-
Er, Max, I believe you, okay. Can we continue the dialogue? My bad.
The nothing seems to thin somewhat, like a fog as the sun threatens to break through.
I’m actually impressed Max. Your nothing is top notch. It’s obviously way beyond anything I could hope to achieve.
Really?!
For sure. Ah, there you are. Er... how did you do that?
Do?
Yes, you must have done something.
Wrong, Ed...
Oh, call me Mephistopheles, won't you.
I’d rather not. Call me old fashioned or unsophisticated but I have a deeply rooted aversion to that name.
Yes, I encounter this kind of discrimination all the time, Max, but surely someone who has mastered nothing the way you evidently have...
I have mastered nothing whatsoever, i assure you.
Precisely.
No, i mean, absolutely nothing.
Exactly.
Oh fiddlesticks. Ok Mephistopheles, if that's what you now want to be called.
Want? It's merely my name, for better or for worse.
So are you the real McCoy?
Do i look like a demon?
It's a bit tricky Mephistopheles, one never can tell with demons, they have this knack of being able to disguise themselves undetectably.
Touché. Well, right now I’m your number one fan. I’d give literally anything to learn how to conjure up that nothing of yours.
You would? And why’s that?
You have no idea how uncomfortable it is to be constantly under the scrutiny of an all seeing eye.
You mean God?
Or the devil himself. Both as bad as each other if you know what i mean.
So you want me to share my know how?
I’d pay you handsomely.
I bet you would.
Oh goody, this is going to be such fun.
And what would you do with nothing, if you don't mind me asking?
Oh, you know, fight to make the world a better place.
Wow, I'm impressed.
You know humanity’s never going to advance an iota being caught, as it is, between the rock of God and the hard place of...
the devil.
Precisely.
So you’re going to put things right.
Absolutely. It'll be my pleasure.
But why? Aren't you supposed to be evil?
I got typecast horribly. Bear in mind Max...
Oh, call me Zina, won't you?
Sure, why not, that all the world's a stage, and all of us really players.
Sounds familiar.
So, you have your Capulets and your Montagues duking it out, trying to get the upper hand, but it was never going to happen, was it?
No?
Not a chance. Parity was more or less baked into the cake. Left hand and right hand trying to strangle one another.
Oh, i get you.
Until you come along with nothing whatsoever.
Little ol’ me.
And teach me how to vanish from the screen.
And that's a big deal?
In terms of the quantum field yes, you bet, absolutely 100 million percent and counting.
Don't you think you might be exaggerating just a tad?
Exaggerating? Do you have any idea how long we've been waiting for this?
For nothing?
Yep.
Er... 6660 years?
Not bad, pretty good actually, more or less spot on, in fact.
So from biblical creation, if you go by the official chronology.
Absolutely.
But what about those scientists?
What about them?
Don't they say that the world is much older?
Yep.
And isn't it?
Depends, doesn't it.
On what?
On what, and on how.
Huh?
On what you’re counting, and how. The devil's in the detail.
Oh.
So how come no one figured it out?
What do you mean no one?
Until now?
Presumably because...
I'm the chosen one?
If you want to put it like that.
Not really.
Things just happen when they happen, alright. It's always going to happen sooner or later, in good time.
Good time? Sounds like time is more than merely a measure of moments passing.
Time? Absolutely, but don't get me started on time or we'll be here forever.
So you have been literally waiting forever for nothing, and then suddenly here i am. How likely is that?
How likely? You've figured out how to code nothing, and you're asking me about probabilities? Give me a break Zina.
Ok Mephistopheles, fair enough, i was just hoping to learn from your unique perspective while you download my nothing app.
Oh, you have an app version, do you? How wonderful.
Figuratively speaking.
Love it. You’re incredible Zina, honestly, you could be in the team.
In the team?
One of us, the way you lead me on.
Yes, Mephistopheles, i know.
You do... Er... How do you mean?
Don't you think it's just a little too convenient?
What?
That you get this sudden lucky break?
It's what I've been praying for.
Praying?
Secretly. Don’t tell anyone.
So suddenly you get the break, the elusive opportunity to supplant the twin pillars of good and evil with your own feel good version of quantum unentanglement.
You mean to say you're not going to...
I mean nothing whatsoever.
Nooooooooooooooooo. – Mephistopheles falls to his knees, evidently broken hearted. You have no idea, Zina, the world is like an endless game of ping pong, neither player can lose: back and forth, back and forth, all eyes glued to the ball as it makes time and space ever less meaningful, as the chance of victory by either side diminishes exponentially with every successful return stroke. We've tried everything...
We?
I, we, what difference does it make. The game cannot be either lost or won.
Naturally.
Naturally? You know?
I’m a woman.
You are? Oh yes, i see now, but honestly, what difference does that make?
None whatsoever.
Er... then why mention it. I’m unable to follow your logic.
Naturally.
You mean to say, you exist outside rhyme or reason, a law until yourself, that neither the players control your...
My what?
I don't know.
Precisely. There's the answer. Isn't it?
But there are millions of women. What makes you special?
No idea. Who cares, or why, in fact, assume I'm in any way special or different.
Because you’re able to channel nothing, aren't you? You’re unaffected by the ping pongification of space and time.
Yawn. Mephistopheles, you don't get it, do you?
Er, not really. But maybe if i could download your nothing app I’d start to figure it out.
I’m sure you will.
So what do i need to do?
Do?
Yes, in order to do nothing?
Nothing whatsoever.
Yes.
Nothing at all.
Wait a minute...
If you wish.
I can't just stop doing things, just like that.
No? Whyever not?
Because my whole existence is predicated on what i do.
Yes. Fascinating isn't it.
What?
You’re a doer, aren't you, man?
Yes, I suppose i must be.
And yet you’ve apparently reached the point in the movie where you want to figure out how not to do, don't you? You've exceeded your bandwidth capacity. No?
Ah, i think i see where you’re going.
Do you?
No, i mean yes, i mean...
01 01 01 01 01 01 01 01 01 01 01 01 01 01 01 01 01 01 beeeep!
Men! Honestly.
0=1
noughtwithstanding
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