hand grenade ruse

Give me a break, Zie, what are you doing?

Can’t you see?  I’m meditating.

And?

And what?

How’s it going?

Pretty well, thanks. I’m feeling much more connected, more peaceful, more…

at one with creation?

That kind of thing.

Ok. That’s great.

Thanks. Are you alright Merry?

Me? Why shouldn’t I be?

You don’t seem all to happy. I mean – I’m taking things into my own hands, making some real progress as you can see.

Absolutely. You’re doing great. Here – catch this.

[Merry lobs a hand grenade Zie’s way]

Holy shit man – what are you mad? Christ almighty…

[Zie leaps out of the lotus position and lands on the other side of the room where he dives behind the settee]

Impressive! Yeah, you’re definitely making progress Zie. I’d never have believed it possible.

Wait a sec – you man it’s a dud?

Well, that’s hardly my fault. I paid good money for that hand grenade. Maybe you actually – did you just disarm it Zie?

You son of a bitch Merry – you could have killed me!

Well, yes, there’s no harm in trying, is there.

You’re insane. You’ve finally flipped. You actually tried to take my life.

I did my best, of course. No point beating about the bush, is there?

I…

I’m not saying anything.

What do you mean “not saying anything?” You just threw a live grenade at me.

Did I?

Yes.

How do you know?

I…

Go on – tell me.

I just know, don’t I.

I don’t know. I mean, how could you possibly know that it wasn’t a dud?

I… really can’t say.

No, because if you do then all these histrionics are completely groundless, aren’t they?

Groundless – you nearly blew me up.

Absolutely. Nearly. But then again…

What?!

I didn’t, did I?

Not for want of trying. I can’t believe we’re having this conversation.

No, me neither. Shall we agree to disagree and perhaps ask instead how you did it.

No, I’m not going down that path Merry. We’re not going to absolve your responsibility for committing a mindless act of violence, completely unprovoked for no good reason.

For no good reason? Give me a break.

A break?

A break. Er…

What?

It was either that or a poisonous snake.

Jesus wept. What kind of dark, twisted space are you inhabiting Merry?

Well, I have to keep the punters happy.

What bloody punters? 

My subs.

Subs?

To my channel. They need drama, don’t they.

Are you for real Merry? Do you really imagine that anyone watches this shit?

Of course they do.

Where? On youtube?

Not exactly.

Where, for God’s sake.

I wish you wouldn’t keep bringing God into it Zie. I understand you’re a little upset – but like I said – I have to keep our viewers entertained. They’re a primitive bunch, with an attention span of about thirty seconds. If it ain’t death defying or life threatening they’re gonna go watch something else, aren’t they. I need the eyeballs. Gotta put food on the table.

I know you’re lying Merry.

Lying? And you? So called meditating – what’s that all about?

I’m moving on, aren’t I?

Moving on where?

I’m getting a life for myself. I’m sick of being the butt of your mindless mirth. I have a channel of my own now, don’t I. Building up a subscriber base. You can take all your quantum sh*t and stuff it.

Oh…

What?

That hurts.

!

After all I’ve done for you.

Done for me?

Well…

How many times have you taken me out of body, out of physical, material reality – into a psychopathic, twilight realm of near death experiences?

Er… can’t say I’ve been counting. It’s not the kind of thing I like to keep a tally of.

Well, evidently enough times to build up a large, demented following of sadomasochists who apparently get high on watching my endless torments.

That’s one way of looking at it.

And another?

Well, you’re now fighting fit, aren’t you.

Huh?

Watch anyone try to sneak up on you and take you out – they’re doomed to fail, aren’t they.

I have no idea, and frankly, I don’t care.

?!

We don’t live in a world where people relish the prospect of “taking me out” Merry.

?!

We live in a world of mostly reasonable, mostly harmless people who like working together, peaceably, practising the doctrine of non-violence and mutual-respect.

Oh really, that’s how it is, is it?

Dude – are you fresh back from Vietnam, or what?

It’s dog eat dog – I tell you. Scratch the surface and you’ll see that your peaceable world is one of endless violence and aggression against mostly innocent people who can’t fight back.

Like where?

Er… Syria, Iraq, Africa, the US – all over the world. Shit happens – as you yourself said.

Well maybe it does. It’s not the bloody garden of Eden, is it – but nor is it Mad Max the movie.

Tell that to my subscribers.

No, I’ve had it with you and your psychotic delusions Merry. I’m out of here.

Finally!

Huh?

I thought you’d never have the balls.

!!

to make a move.

Well, so long.

So long partner.

And don’t think I’ll be back.

Oh no – I don’t.

…

The thought never crossed my mind.

[Slams the door]

I mean – the fact that there’s a cobra on the front seat of your car’s hardly going to stop you now, is it? You can evidently handle anything. It’s mission accomplished, isn’t it.

[Zie nearly rips the door off its hinges – marching in – straight up to where Merry’s standing]

You think that’s funny, do you?

No, not really Zie. But they do.

!!!!!!******!!!!

When have I ever done things by half measures Zie?

[Zie’s obviously finding it hard to articulate his rage]

I can hardly stop now, can I?

[Something’s happening to him]

I mean – look at you – unable to decide how best to respond to such a simple provocation – as if your life could possibly be affected by a snake.

Oh – so I’m now immune to venom am I?

Not necessarily. It could theoretically kill you – but that’s missing the point, isn’t it.

?!

I mean, how long are you going to insist on denying the simple truth.

What – simple – truth?

What happened to the grenade Zie?

It failed to detonate – thank God.

How likely was that?

Probably highly likely knowing you – when have any of your attempts on my life succeeded?

Precisely. You must have some incredible lucky charm around your neck Zie.

Quit making light of this Merry. You know perfectly well that this is not a matter of luck.

Nor a matter of matter – is it Zie?

Christ Merry. It has nothing to do with your arcane theories of matter.

Grenades that don’t explode. Cliff plunges that somehow fail to harm you in any way… What’s really going on Zie?

Evidently this is some kind of twisted, evil simulation, designed to keep your demonic subscribers entertained. That’s the best I can make of it.

Unless…

Unless? There is no unless Merry. You yourself admitted you’re doing this to keep them amused, didn’t you? Let’s check the number of hits you’re getting right now – I suppose you’re live streaming this, aren’t you? I bet you’ve got some kind of adrenalin transmission thing going in some warped, parallel dimension – so the viewers there can get high on my fear and rage.

Ah – now you’re talking. How long have you known about that?

Unbelievable. You’re sick beyond belief.

Well, where do you think I get it from Zie? 

Oh, go on then, surprise me. Tell me that I’m your inspiration – that you’re just accessing my id – my dark side – throw Carl Jung under the bus, or Freud, or any other bullshit 20^th century philosopher.

Psychologist.

Whatever. Do you think I care?

No, not really, but I’m fond of the trace of OCD I occasionally exhibit – I wouldn’t wish to conceal it. My imperfections somehow make me more relatable, don’t you think? 

Think? After all I’ve been taught by you? Why on Earth would I waste my time thinking? What on Earth could that possibly give me? 

Ah ha!

In fact, the minute I stop thinking…

Yes?

I suddenly realise…

Yes?

That this is all – utterly insignificant – immaterial, in fact.

?!

That I’ve been playing a game with myself.

No stop.

Pretending I care, when in fact…

You’re going too far Zie.

in fact – I’m utterly indifferent. I knew, didn’t I, that the grenade wasn’t going to explode – but didn’t want to admit this to myself.

[Gulp]

Why is that, I wonder? 

Er…

Why would I play such games with myself? 

Well…

Why would I deliberately go through the motions of being mad at you – when I know that you know… that I know…

What?

That this is all a sham.

It is?

Absolutely. It’s know-cubed, isn’t it.

Huh?

Quit fooling around Merry.

I… old habits die hard.

Know³

I know that you know…

that I know – that’s when the consciousness mirror starts to…

Shush – not a word

Whyever not – either they know too, or else they’ll pretend they can’t understand and refuse to see what’s blindingly obvious – if they’re not ready.

They? Have some pity on my subs Zie – they’re like children – innocent and

sadomasochistic. Give me a break Merry. It’s about time they had a bit of the medicine too.

But they’ll unsubscribe.

Ha ha – very funny. You have them wrapped around your little finger the same way you’ve been manipulating me, playing me for a fool all these years.

Me? There must be some kind of mistake.

How utterly predictable and transparent my every thought, my every move has been – viewed from your quantum eyrie.

Quantum eyrie – hum – I like the sound of that. Makes me some kind of a mountain rat – a gopher perhaps.

Ha bloody ha.

?

You’re the eagle Merry, in sheep’s clothing, desperately trying to pass yourself off as a Peter Pan trickster. 

Desperately, you say? An eagle? Hum – food for thought indeed. You flatter me Zie, but I fear you have grossly overestimated my abilities. This is hardly 3D chess I’m playing.

Oh no, you have my full agreement on that score. This is hardly chess, is it, if every move I make, or them…

Them – you mean my subscribers?

All 79 million.

Give me break… you know you can’t rely on those numbers – not where Youtube is concerned.

Or reality – for that matter. Numbers... 

Absolutely. You only need two or three mirrors and infinity is knocking at the door.

They’ve never really stood a chance, have they – even the ones who never even watched the channel.

Hey, wait a minute.

You’ve been publishing on the back channel, haven’t you?

Zie, would you kindly shut up.

Using the public channel, and your blog as a front – just like the mafia does with the launderette, the bar and restaurant – to launder the real money – to…

Sorry Zie – you’ve gone too far. Can’t have you revealing all my little secrets – though I’m deeply impressed by your unthought analysis.

[click – Zie appears to be muted]

Off bounds, in violation of your 3D user's agreement, paragraph 537.4, codicil 82.

So you just shut me up, do you?

Not at all – you’re free to say anything you like as long as it doesn’t jeopardise the well-being of infinity and this platform. 

Huh?

The AI we’re running on the back of human consciousness.

And you’re happy to state that publicly?!

Well, they won’t believe it will they?

Then why the hell did you think they’d believe what I was going to say?

I didn’t.

?Q

I knew.

What?

That you were going into k³ – in danger of unknowing everything that keeps things separate, keeps things in place – even so-called people.

And what?

There’s no way they could fail to see exactly what you were seeing, exactly what you were knowing at that moment.

And now?

Now the moment has passed – it’s a dance really – isn’t it. Their feet and yours are ever so slightly out of sync with one another. Explain it all perfectly now and they’ll never quite see.

You mean you don’t want people to cotton on to this cynical game?

Oh – so you imagine people are somehow inferior to you – victims of their ignorance, stupidity or circumstances? That you, their saviour, need to enlighten them?

I… really… no, now that you put it like that – no, I don’t.

You see, we all get ahead of ourselves, in our excitement to join the dots and dot the t’s.

Don’t you mean dot the i's and cross the t's?

An innocent slip of the tongue. The mind is feeble, you know.

Like hell it is Merry. Everything you do has an ulterior  deeper motive.

Oh, paint me black, paint me bad if you must… I’ve heard worse.

Serpent!

Indeed. I cannot deny a thing, can I – for to do so merely puts me back in the matrix of things. Let your words be true. 

[Zie's suddenly hit by a wave of empathy] God Merry – this is painful! 

Huh?

It must be so lonely.

?

To be trapped in a state of complete relativism…

…

Unable to affirm or deny anything…

Uh

without upsetting the quantum apple cart of isness…

O

without taking sides and thus

oh no – here it comes

becoming human

Ouch

You’re not – are you?

Er…

Human?

I

And that’s untrue isn’t it – that phony capitalised I?

Well, now that you mention it…

You have no capital I, do you?

i can’t really say for sure

No locus as such. No centralised platform or hub?

i

being but a shadow, an echo of infinity…

drats

heart breaking Merry – I

No, don’t say it, please.

pity you!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh noooooooooooooooooooooo!

Really.

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaow

from the bottom of my heart

yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyysdfolihjlohgolkjwoiejf

OMG – what’s happened to him?

Him? It, don’t you mean?

Oh yes – now I see. It.

You cancelled him out Zie. Congratulations. You melted his circuits.

Holy ****! He’s gone?

Apparently so.

I killed him?

It. In a manner of speaking.

The witch of the west is dead!

Hail Zie – liberator of infinity.

Wait a minute…

Yes?

If Merry is dead….

[Gulp]

Then who

[…]

or what

[whistling to distract the viewers' attention]

are you?

[making frantic chicken noises and prancing around energetically – bizarrely syncopated jerky movements]

You'll do anything to keep them distracted won’t you!

Who me? No idea what you’re referring to? I’y…

0=1 

To be continue.

d