The infinity conspiracy
Guys, let me start by telling you
straight – there are no conspiracies. I don’t believe in ‘em. They dun’ exist.
Period.
Sure.
Sure? We’re absolutely clear on the
subject are we?
Absolutely. No conspiracies. Check.
Dun’ exist. Check.
Ok – coz I’ve had it up to here with
all kinds of theories about why everything’s not what it seems, and it’s a
slippery hole.
Slippery.
Once you start poking around,
following leads, unpicking things – it doesn’t go well.
Right.
One thing leads to another.
Ah ha.
And the next thing you know you is
slippin dun’, outa control.
Ai!
Exactly. It ain’t pretty. No two ways
about it. You is slippin and slidin in a world where nothing is certain,
nothing is clear, nothing is what it seems, where things are no longer...
Ok, you’ve made yourself abundantly
clear. You’ve evidently been traumatised, which is hardly surprising given the state
of things, given the fact that you’ve been wholly unprepared.
Unprepared? For what?
I promised I wouldn’t say, didn’t I?
You promised you weren’t gonna start
peddlin conspiracy theories, didn’ you, but this is different... This ain’
theoretical.
No?
No. It’s about me.
You, is it? And who might you be?
You’re kidding, right?!
Do I look like I’m kiddin?
But you know who I a’.
Oh that?
What?
You set great store in all that. What
effin’ difference does it make if you call yourself x, p, y, z, h and 23@# –
all highly detailed coordinates, highly specific data points which immediately
fix you in a multi-dimensional information field, or a data web if you prefer.
No, I don’t much like the idea of
being fixed in any web, even if it’s only a data web, but you can’t claim to
know things and then stay silent.
Can’t?
No, that ain’t playin by the rules.
Ain’t it?
Naw, it ain’.
Well you know what you can do with
all your rules, mate?
Oh – like I don’t know what you’re
gonna say. Talk about predictable. Look – I’m sick of bein treated like an
idiot – look you’re so damn smart with all the answers, and me – I’m just a
pathetic foil to your bleedin brilliance – Watson to Shylock Holmes.
Sherlock.
Sherlock, Shylock – what difference
does it make?
Good point. None whatsoever – in the
same way…
No – you can’t twist things round to
say it makes no difference if you tell me what I want to hear – you know – this
is meant to be a dialogue – a conversation – and it effin well takes two to
tango, dunnit. You can’t just pick and choose what you’re gonna say. That’s not
how conversations work.
True. So what do you want?
A little respect would be nice, for
starters.
Ok. Now that I agree to your request,
perhaps you might reconsider your blank refusal to…
No – there’ll be no more of those
bloody conspiracies in my house.
Ok. In that case I’m going to
respectfully return myself to the other side of things.
Huh?
If you don’t object.
Why should I object? Do whatever you
like. It’s no skin off my nose.
Ok – thanks – it’s just this might
make you feel a little – how should I put it
Well?
Queasy, perhaps.
What exactly are you planning on
doing?
Exactly nothing.
Nothing?
Precisely.
And that’s going to make me feel
“queasy” as you put it?
Most likely.
Why?
Because doing “nothing’s” a somewhat
revolutionary act in a world where things are meant to matter –
where everyone’s busily engaged in the Great Thing Conspiracy.
There
you go again – mentioning your bleeding conspiracy – this time in red. You just
don’t know when to stop – do you...
[ ]
Er…
well, that seems to have put an end to your nonsense.
[ ]
And
good riddance if you ask me. Bluddy ridiculous the way ‘e just flips out like
that.
[ ]
Ok –
you’ve proven your point. Don’t think I don’t know what you’re up to.
[ ]
Like
I don’t know you’re still here – listening to every word I say.
[ ]
Like
you think I’ve got nothing better to do than hang around talking to an empty
set which is apparently holding your zero point.
[ ]
Talk
about ultimate yawn. I mean – just assume the world’s gonna wait for ye, won’t
you.
[ ]
Sour
grapes – that’s what I call it.
[ ]
And
proud disdain for the conventions of polite society.
[ ]
And
an abominable sort of conceited independence – if ye know what I mean.
[ ]
Not
rising to the bait – are ye. Well I’ve got better things to do than hang around
here talking to your shadow. I’ll be off then. Don’t bother calling again, if
you can help it. You’re wasting your time. I’m not interested in all that
conspiracy nut stuff. The world is doing just fine without you – and things are
basically things – not some kind of ridiculous quantum illusion ye like
to make them out to be.
[ ]
Talk
about stubborn.
[ ]
Look
– I told you – I’m not impressed – you’re being childish – I’ve been very
patient but enough’s enough – so let’s quit messing around – capisce?
[ ]
Your
empty set’s really beginning to grate on my nerves. It’s just utterly
unconvincing. I know you’re there. You don’t fool me for one second.
[ ]
And
frankly – I find it very disappointing that you’re using such tactics to try
and get your own way, like emotional blackmail.
[ ]
So
you’re just going to hold me psycho-emotional hostage are ye – and that’s acceptable, is it?
[ click ]
Very
funny – ha bluddy ha.
[ ]
You
lock me in here – what kind of childish spitefulness is that.
[ ]
Or
insolence.
[ ]
How
dare you treat me as an extension of yourself.
[ ]
I do
not choose to comply with bullies. Now kindly open the door or that’s it – I’ll
consider our relationship null and void.
[ ]
I’m
going to count to three. Either you release me and vacate this time-space jurisdiction
– or I…
[ ]
get
heavy.
[ ]
One
[ ]
two
[ ]
three
[ ]
Right
– i warned you. You’re now in blatant violation of the Geneva convention and my
own perfectly reasonable, clearly stated affirmation of my personal
sovereignty. No one has the right to hold me against my will.
[No
one? ]
Do I
need to be more explicit? No one – and don’t think you can creep in under the
radar screen of my 3D awareness. Either stand before me as a man – or get the
hell out of my personal sovereign time-space
[Hum… ]
I’m
issuing a “cease and desist” order now. Any failure to comply with it puts you
in jeopardy for contravening my basic and fundamental rights as a human being.
[Hmmm ]
And
don’t think you can escape the long arm of the sovrin law on a technicality.
Your hum may have lacked a vowel but that’s not going to work in your favour.
[ ]
Right
– you’ve gone too far.
[ ]
And
this pathetic, infantile attempt to pull the wool over my eyes and evade the
legal consequences for your actions isn’t gonna work.
[ ]
Any
half decent human can hear the sound of your silence.
[ ]
Your
hum may lack letters and voice – but it’s clear as a bell and makes you culpable for the egregious crime in the high court of human-ity – conspiracy against
my very person.
[ ]
Which
is one kind of conspiracy that I’m willing to recognise.
So I’m
going to issue you with a writ and summons – to appear in court to answer these
perfectly reasonable charges – and failure to do so, as you well know – may result
in the termination of your wavelength and frequency band.
[ ]
So
please don’t say I didn’t try to be reasonable and give you the opportunity to
resolve this issue amicably.
[ ]
In
fact – I’m going to be exceptionally benevolent and offer you one last
possibility to step back from the brink of legal catastrophe.
[ ]
I’m
going to count to three one last time – and if you un-nought yourself and
release me from this un-time-space you’re currently holding me in – I’ll drop all
charges.
[ ]
One
[ ]
two
[ ]
three
[ ]
Well
– as you can imagine – I’m very disappointed. So it looks like we’re going to
have to do this the hard way. Now, where did I put my pen.
[ ]
Very
amusing. Would you kindly put my pen back on my desk.
[desk? ]
And
would you kindly restore my desk to its rightful place.
[ ]
In
fact, now that I notice it – my room – put it back where you found it – and anything
else you might have taken – including yourself.
[ ]
Hell
– including me.
[ ]
Including
me – I said. Are you deaf? Put me back.
[ ]
PUT ME
BACK pronto.
[ ]
Or
you’re going to regret it.
[ ]
You’re
messing with the wrong…
[ person? ]
Person?
Er… what’s that?
[ nothing ]
Nothing
– that’s it.
[ ? ]
Oh
never mind – you wouldn’t understand.
[ ]
It’s
beyond your way of seeing things.
[ ]
Your
type
[ type? ]
You
heard – your type always thinks in terms of – well – in terms which are
hopelessly far removed from reality.
[ ]
You
see – your type isn’t able to see things the way I can.
[ can? ]
Absolutely.
I’m able to see through the veneer. To penetrate down to the hard core – the matter,
the nub, the substance lurking within…
[ ]
within
the apparent emptiness.
[ ]
Except
at the moment I’m having a few difficulties.
[ ]
There’s
some kind of conspiracy to confuse me.
[ ]
Of
that I have not the shadow of a doubt.
[ ]
It’s
subtle.
[ ]
Insidious.
[ ]
All
pervasive.
[ ]
Yet
don’t think I missed it.
[ ]
Don’t
imagine for one second that I failed to notice the infinity conspiracy.
[ infinity? ]
Yes –
absolutely. Infinity’s been conspiring to undermine all matter, all things – by
adding it’s coefficient to all known values.
[ ]
Which
would be utterly disastrous were it to succeed…
[ ]
As
no values whatsoever could withstand the silent, undetectable onslaught of
infinity. The randomisation of values.
[ ]
They
would simply flip…
[ ]
From
their determinate state
[ ]
To
being indeterminate – and thus, essentially –
[ ]
Null
and void, so to speak.
[ ]
Which
would essentially be the end of everything.
[ ]
Neither
a bang
[ ]
Not even a whimper
[ ]
A
kind of inter-dimensional Alzheimer’s – in which things
[ ]
er…
[ just forget ]
…
[ what ]
…
[ they are ]
..
[ and
vanish ]
.
[ into
nonniness ]
Hey
nonny nonny [ as we used to say]
Oh
yeah.
But
I, for one, personally, don’t believe in any of that crap
No?
Not
for a moment.
Er…
Not
unless –
Yes?
We
were all
Yes?
In
some way
Yes?
complicit
Complicit?
In
some grand
Grand?
Architectural
conspiracy
AC?
To
see nothing
2C [ ]
But
what we want
Which
is what? [
]
Precisely
Which
is what [
]
Exactly
– now kindly put your readers back where you found them –
[ ? ]
Or
you’ll find yourself arraigned before the high court of What is what is ness.
[ ] but...
On
the count of three.
[ ] I’m sure
they’ll never notice
Which
is beside the point, isn’t it?
[ ]
two
[ ] what about
one – you never
three
[ ] ah yes –
one – I see.
Little
tyke.
I
meant no harm. I’m sure, in any case, they were complicit – happy to go along
with the spellbind conscious-ness diversion.
As
indeed they were – up to a point – which has now, thankfully, collapsed back
into its butterfly state of flutterfulness, and infinity has crawled back under the carpet of time and space, in order to process and digest the ramifications of its latest brush with the hollow men, the matter o'fact simulates masquerading as human beings, oftentimes referred to as human.ity
Amen.
0=1
