I’m busy.
Er… You don’t look very busy.
True.
So, I’m going to respectfully
suggest you’re…
You can respectfully suggest
whatever you like, mate, but that doesn’t alter the fact that I’m busy.
Er… doing what?
None of your business.
But… I have a right to know.
Correct. You have a right to know.
Well, that means you have to…
Nothing of the sort, mate.
But you yourself admitted…
That you have a right to know –
yes – then know by right.
?
By right you can know whatever
you’re able to know – which is almost unlimited if you’re willing and able to
exercise your right to know.
I’m not sure I understand your
logic.
Ah… well, the right to know, like
all rights, does not mean I can possibly tell you what you want to know.
But in that case you’d be
obstructing me in my job.
Obstructing you, would I be? In
your lawful job?
Yes.
And what is your lawful job?
I’m from the Ministry of Matter.
The Ministry of Matter?
Yes.
And we need to know whatever
people are doing, or not doing.
And why exactly do you “need to
know”, as you put it?
It’s the law. Everyone has to
provide timely information regarding their activities, lawful or unlawful. It’s
only reasonable, Mr Smith; we can’t have people disrupting the flow of things.
No we can’t. What exactly is the
flow of things, Mr Cohen?
How did you know my name?
No matter, Mr Cohen. It’s my
business to know.
Oh. Is it?
Yes. The flow of things, Mr Cohen
– what’s it all about?
Well, it’s vital that everyone in
his own way contributes to the construct – the materium.
Is it?
Yes.
Says who?
Says the law.
And therefore you need to know
what I’m doing at all times?
Not at all times, no. Not when
you’re sleeping, eating, exercising, praying or meditating, not when you’re
shopping, speaking to friends, playing a musical instrument or listening to
music, not when you’re travelling or making something useful with your hands,
or playing a game, not when you’re at work, not when you’re sick or watching
TV.
Ah. That seems to account for
almost every activity a normal human could be engaged in.
Yes. Most people fit into
convenient categories. Most tick the right boxes automatically – which is why
they are unaware of our vitally important work.
And you monitor them in real time.
Of course.
Using spyware?
Nothing so primitive.
Then what?
When people are busy doing normal
activities they contribute their attention, their lifeforce energy to the
materium.
Is that so?
Yes. And we get no alarm signals.
They’re busily playing their part, fulfilling their function as members of the
materium – keeping it energized, keeping it running smoothly like an
interconnected network of drones.
Even when they’re sleeping?
Yes.
And just vegetating in front of
the box.
Yes, because they’re doing so
within the mind-matter matrix, so to speak.
O--k. The mind-matter matrix –
which needs our involvement?
Correct.
Our engagement?
Yes.
In a participatory fashion?
Yes.
Or otherwise?
Or otherwise gaps will appear in
the materium.
Gaps?
Logic gaps. Content gaps. Coverage
gaps.
Coverage gaps?
Like a place where there’s no
mobile or internet coverage.
And that’s bad?
Well yes, obviously.
Obviously?
Because where there are gaps the
Mind of matter cannot safeguard the smooth 3D signal needed to keep everyone
comfortable.
Ah. You mean strange things might
start happening.
Theoretically, yes. There is the
danger.
Like non-linear experiences?
Yes. Glitches in the temporal flow
of perceived causality.
The “temporal flow of perceived
causality”? That’s quite a mouthful, Mr Cohen.
Yes, Mr Smith, isn’t it.
You mean to say that the smoothly
flowing chain of causality, in which one thing leads to another within the
constant downstream flow of time might suddenly be interrupted.
It is theoretically possible.
So I could suddenly see something
– like another world – where there should just be my regular supermarket.
Theoretically, yes, Mr Smith – if
there was a gap in the materium.
And do these gaps actually occur?
Has anyone seen one?
We’re not supposed to discuss
this, Mr Smith.
No?
No, people can suddenly feel
alarmed, even to the point of experiencing panic attacks, or vertigo.
Really?
Yes.
Astonishing. I wonder why that is?
Because these gaps in the materium
are deeply disturbing for the rational mind.
The rational mind, you say – as
opposed to the irrational mind?
Well, yes, there is a part of our
mind which exists outside the temporal flow which is able to process non-linear
reality.
There is?
Yes, but it’s wild and erratic. It
disrupts our sense of continuity – our feeling of being part of a normal law
based 3D reality.
I bet it does. So the other mind
can handle non-linear reality, but it’s something we’d be better off avoiding.
Correct. People can suffer severe
mental breakdown if they become disconnected from the materium, even
momentarily.
Oh dear.
Yes, they can suffer from temporal
disassociation.
Temporal disassociation?
Where they no longer feel that the
3D flow of things is entirely believable, or entirely real.
Yikes.
And restoring their previous sense
of tranquil mental association with the materium can be very difficult.
Well, in that case, Mr Cohen I can
only assume you are doing sterling work trying to protect people from temporal
disassociation.
Yes. It’s a
vital job, so perhaps, Mr Smith, you’d be willing to explain your business?
Ah – I’d love
to help, Mr Cohen, but unfortunately, I can’t.
I don’t see why
not, Mr Smith.
Correct. How
could you see?
But I do sense
a muted disruption in the materium in connection with your activities, which is
why I need to insist you provide a more complete explanation.
Ah, Mr Cohen,
you need to insist, do you?
Yes, Mr Smith,
only for your wellbeing.
And the
wellbeing of the Materium?
Precisely.
Not to mention
the wellbeing of everyone else.
Yes, there’s
the rub, Mr Smith, for a gap in the materium can shift erratically. It doesn’t
necessarily follow the temporal rules of locality.
The temporal
rules of locality – that’s rather a mouthful, Mr Cohen. Why should the rules of
locality be temporal?
Good question,
Mr Smith.
Well?
Well, as long
as the individual is part of the temporal flow which keeps everyone and
everything nicely integrated within the materium – cause and effect – you know,
then locality is stable and linear.
Stable and
linear?
That’s right.
If you’re in Paraguay then you’re in Paraguay.
Or Papua New
Guinea?
Precisely.
Or Portugal?
Yes.
Or…
Any location,
whatever it is.
And you seem to
be implying that this law of locality – if that’s what we can call it – doesn’t
apply when the temporal structure of reality is interrupted?
Correct. Time
and temperature need to be within regular bands.
Temperature
too?
Yes. Absolute
zero – causes things to starting misbehaving.
How
interesting. But I fail to see how time can be interrupted, Mr Cohen.
Yes, it seems
all but impossible, does it not, Mr Smith?
It does.
Indeed it
should be, but somehow or other, gaps can and do appear in the materium from
time to time, and they can trigger non-locality events.
Like what?
Like finding
yourself in another world, or another page of the book.
Oh wow – like
you slip through from one page to another vertically, as opposed to following
the words in sequence, left to right, line by line?
Precisely.
That must be
rather… astonishing.
Yes indeed.
But I fail to
see what that has to do with me, Mr Cohen.
Not just you,
Mr Smith – for a gap can suddenly detach from where you are – if you are the
trigger – and slip across to other people who suddenly find themselves face to
face with dinosaurs, or battling with anime warriors in ancient China.
Temporal
dislocation?
Yes.
Losing the plot?
Well, yes, the
story is utterly compelling until it’s not.
And you find
yourself in another story which just happens to be more real than the pale,
watered down version of reality – the 3D materium you were hitherto stuck in.
Ah. You’re not
a fan, Mr Smith?
Of what, Mr
Cohen?
Of 3D reality.
Why not?
You seem to
think there are better, more real stories waiting to be discovered?
That is more an
inference, Mr Cohen, not necessarily a preference.
Ah. But your
language seems to imply that you dislike or disapprove of 3D reality, does it
not? “Pale and watered down” is how you described it.
Ah, but again
that doesn’t imply disapproval, Mr Cohen – not if it’s an objective fact.
No?
I may in fact
like things to be “pale and watered down”. I may enjoy the security of things
being safe and unspectacular – a reality in which there are no great surprises
or dangers – in which I can enjoy shades of grey and a restricted range of
experiences, as opposed to the wild and untrammelled freedom of the other side.
Yes, I see what
you mean. Indeed, it’s only fair to say that nearly everyone consciously or
unconsciously makes the choice to stay in the harbour, on the reservation,
avoiding the other side. But, if that’s the case, Mr Smith, surely you’d be
willing to explain your business?
My business, Mr
Cohen, is neither here nor there.
Ah. You mean to
say, you’re admitting the fact that you’re an agent?
An agent, Mr
Cohen – what strange words you use.
You’re actively
working to disrupt the Materium, are you not?
No, not at all.
Just because I choose to leave the footpath and collect mushrooms in the forest
doesn’t mean I wish to abolish, disrupt or damage footpaths per se.
But you’re
aware of the consequences of your actions, are you not, Mr Smith?
I’m aware that
you are trapped in your right mind, which uses words and definitions
restrictively.
This is
beginning to sound like a confession, Mr Smith.
Only if you’re
intent on seeing harm in nature itself. Mushrooms should not necessarily be
seen as the enemy of temporal reality, should they? and nor should mushroom
picking necessarily be seen as a subversive activity.
You have signed
an agreement with the mushroom kingdom, Mr Smith?
An agreement?
Signed?
You have been
into the mushroom net?
Are you
implying that I’ve tried the effects of magic mushrooms, Mr Cohen?! Perish the
thought.
You have not?
Why should I?
Infinity does not need to be accessed through intermediaries.
Infinity? How
can you talk of infinity – Mr Smith – if you are part of 3D reality – enjoying
the fruits and benefits of the materium?
Ah – I didn’t
realise that infinity is proscribed by the materium.
Proscribed? No,
no one has proscribed anything here in the materium – other than harming other
people. But there are certain associations which indicate…
Associations,
Mr Cohen? You object to mushroom picking? Is that it? What about gardening? Is
that allowed?
I never said
anything of the sort – but you – answer the question please Mr Smith – have you
had encounters with mushroom spirits?
Oh please, Mr
Cohen – next you’ll be asking me if I’ve been in communication with dryads or
naiads, or the Easter bunny! This is becoming absurd.
Well, you don’t
have to tell me anything you don’t want to – but you’re going to remain under
close observation, Mr Smith. There appear to be too many anomalies in your
Field.
Anomalies in my
Field? How astonishing? Could you describe them please?
I can show you a
printout, Mr Smith. I think that will be easier. Have a look.
Mr Cohen hands Mr Smith a scatter chart with all kinds of
outlying data points.
And what is this
supposed to mean, Mr Cohen?
As you see, there
are way too many outliers on your chart.
Well, Mr Cohen, as
I’ve never seen any comparable chart I wouldn’t rightly know.
Ah, excuse my omission – here –
look at these charts… All the data points are very close to the best fit line,
as you see.
Ah, so what the heck’s going on
with mine?
Well, that’s what’s causing
concern.
So, let me get this right – Mr
Cohen – you’re from the Ministry of Matter – you say, which I never previously
heard of – and you’re here in my house because my scatter chart seems to be
somewhat diffuse and out there.
Yes. We’re concerned that you
might unwittingly be disrupting the Materium – or that perhaps the Mushroom
kingdom might be using you as an agent.
And this mushroom kingdom – you’re
referring to…
Yes?
Is it a threat to the Materium? Is
it actively seeking to undermine of destroy our precious reality?
Not exactly.
Then what?
It’s a kingdom which is entirely
natural and neither good nor bad, but there are forces which can and do work
through it to access and takeover individuals such as yourself, we suspect.
Ok. Well Mr Cohen – I don’t know
what you’ve been smoking but whatever it is, I’d like some. You seem to have a
very colourful sense of paranoia, and this idea of mushrooms trying to take
over the world – if that’s what you mean – frankly – it puts me in the mood to
write a book.
Ah, Mr Smith, you’re a sensible
sceptic, I see, but I’d like to ask you, if you wouldn’t mind, to assist the
Ministry of Matter, if you would, by wearing this bracelet.
Mr
Cohen takes out an emerald green bracelet and hands it to Mr Smith.
And what’s the deal, Mr Cohen?
We’ll pay you for your kind
cooperation.
You’ll pay me?
Yes, you’ll get a six-figure
salary.
For wearing a green plastic
bracelet?
It isn’t, in fact, plastic, Mr
Smith, but yes, for wearing this you’ll get an excellent salary.
And my soul?
Your soul – Mr Smith. I’m not sure
I understand.
Ah, you don’t recognise the
immortal soul?
I mean, your soul is a matter of
personal faith, and you’re allowed to believe whatever you like.
So this is not in any way going to
impinge on the functionality of my soul?
Like I said, Mr Smith, you’re
allowed to believe in whatever you like.
Would you let me hold your hand
while I put it on, Mr Cohen?
Er…
Just for reassurance. I’m a little
scared of untested technologies.
Oh, I assure you, Mr Smith, that’s
it been thoroughly tested. It causes no harm whatsoever. It merely corrects
your scatter chart and brings you back into alignment with the Materium.
Your hand, please, Mr Cohen.
I…
If it causes no harm, you’ll have
nothing whatsoever to lose.
Er…
But if it disrupts my life force,
my soul, in any way that is harmful, this disruption will flow through to you.
I… er. It’s tried and tested.
There’s really no need.
Hand.
But…
Hand.
Er, if you insist.
Mr
Cohen gives Mr Smith his hand. Mr Smith puts on the emerald green bracelet and
watches – watches Mr Cohen fragmenting into a million pieces.
Hey ho! Now, where was I…? Ah,
Dorothy, my beloved Mushroom maid, let us continue our game of…
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inconceivably
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