Chapter 24 – in which Roger fixes my kitchen sink

Er... Roger, what on earth are you doing here?

I’ve just come home from work to find Roger unbeetled [in human form] in my kitchen beneath the sink, evidently pulling it to pieces.

Oh, hi Josh. Actually, I’m not technically here.

Excuse me? What did you say?

I’m not technically here... Look, sorry about barging in on you like this but this is a situation that had to be dealt with immediately.

A situation that requires you to dismantle my kitchen sink?

Oh, don’t worry about that – I’m a qualified plumber, electrician and builder in my normal life. This kind of thing’s a piece of cake.

Fair enough – but that still doesn’t explain why you’re here in the first place.

Crisis management.

What crisis? Was there a leak or something.

Look Josh, this isn’t making a lot of sense. Could you put your bag down, put the groceries away and put the kettle on while I finish this job. Then I can explain everything one step at a time.

So that’s precisely what I do. Roger’s not the kind of guy you mess around with. I mean, he’s not mean or threatening, but you can tell he means business, and he doesn’t suffer fools lightly.

Seven minutes, forty three seconds later...

That’s done it. Ok Josh, where were we?

You said you’re not technically here. That doesn’t make a lot of sense to me while I’m watching you reassemble the kitchen sink. Would you care to explain?

Oh sure... right now I’m asleep in my house in LA.

Oh right. That’s fine. You’re asleep in LA. Then who’s here in my kitchen, looking more or less exactly like you do, when you’re not busy being a beetle?

Well, that depends how you look at things. On the one hand it’s a hologram, but on the other, 0=1, I’ve brought you and your apartment into my dream... which we’re now dreaming together.

I’m expecting myself to object to this bald assertion, but for some reason I accept it as given – my only concession to my old way of thinking is to pinch myself – Roger is watching for this and smirks:

“If I’ve brought you and your apartment into my dream, then pinching’s really not going to help, but carry on doing so if it’s reassuring. Just because it’s a kind of dream doesn’t mean it isn’t real or physical – as you’ve already proven to yourself. It’s a bit like "copy and paste" – I’m setting it up in one window and then it’ll be neatly copied and pasted back into your reality window once complete.”

Amazing – it all seems to make sense... Now that we’ve cleared up that matter, could you tell me why you need to fix the sink, which wasn’t really broken.

Wasn’t broken? Do you have any idea how much gunk I just pulled out of it.

Ok – so it was a bit blocked – but what’s that to you?

Come on Josh – I’m your sponsor.

My what?

You know – your sponsor. I opened your Faery gate, so I have certain obligations to ensure that things are running smoothly.

And are they?

Well, now that we’ve all returned from 1,300 years in the quantum vacuum, nice one Josh [do I detect a hint of irony], we seem to be doing nicely, or were, till I got wind of this.

But what? It’s just a partially blocked sink.

 Was.

Well yes, I appreciate the fact that you’ve now kindly cleared it – many thanks.

No, I mean it would have been “just a partially blocked sink” before you became a fully fledged member of g-nome portal, but now that you’ve joined the team as one of us, it becomes an inter-dimensional incident.

A what? You’re kidding, right?

Do I look like I’m kidding?

Er... not really. Nice overalls by the way.

Thank you – but getting back to the point... where was I? [Roger’s hologram seems a little distracted]

“An inter-dimensional incident”, but what’s that supposed to mean?

Well, think about it – your g-nome connection means you’re now a gatekeeper right at the heart of material reality. It means that not only you, but your house, your car, your workplace, wherever you are, whatever you’re doing is a part of g-nome portal. You can’t separate the two sides. It is/I am are One.

W w w w?

Is that What? Why? When? or Where?

All four. What the hell...?

0=1 Josh – when will you learn – all things are equal... We’re not playing games here.

I thought we were? Inner child and all that – life’s a game – play it well.

This devil may care attitude is about to land me in trouble – I can see Roger is obviously not amused. He continues...

Ok – let me explain one more time. The inter-dimensional portal that is g-nome does not exist anywhere in particular. How could it, if it’s outside space and time? It cannot therefore exist purely as an it or thing... but exists equally as an I am. In fact its location is “prime node” – the interface between the two – between it is and I am – not unlike the Greenwich Meridian in 3D reality.

My mouth is moving goldfish style. I switch on my alpha stream to raise my level of consciousness to handle this influx of high weirdness.

In actual fact, of course, no thing ever really existed purely as thing. Every thing has another side to it – I am, zero being one and all... Every object has its subject, ever it has its I, and we at g-nome portal are no exception, in fact we’re doubly so, being based as we are at “prime node”.

Still working the goldfish mouth – agaping for all I’m worth – and it really seems to help. Try it yourselves best beloved g-nomers when you’re feeling out of your depth.

...because  the g-nome portal is completely inseparable from us. Whoever I am, whatever I am brings g-nome portal into this reality. Imagine it’s a corporation that does not exist in itself – only in terms of its employees. If its employees are conflicted and dysfunctional what’s the corporation gonna be like? Well g-nome portal’s plugged in to each of its gnome members at the primary operating level of conscious-awareness – so whatever’s going on in you affects the entire material plain, as matter is within consciousness, playing second fiddle, so to speak.  

Er... part of me wants to object but again, I realise I can’t – that it’s starting to make sense.

Ok Roger – I think the penny has dropped – I announce.

Yes, but it’s a little weirder than that.

“There’s always a catch...” I murmur, and inwardly groan. “Gulp, gulp” I repeat my mantra, and somehow manage to pull myself back atop the steep learning curve.

Roger again shoots me an “easy does it” look – for some reason he’s a bit nettled today – I can’t think why.

So, you need to understand one thing only, he continues, the relationship between I am and what is. In 3D reality you believe reality is there and I am here – that reality exists independent of you. That’s true up to a point, but when you return to fundamentals – to zero point – it’s true no more. Now the two are completely entwined as two sides of one coin – as One. The relationship is total... is infinite.

It is?

Yes Josh – you should know all this by now. We’ve been over it half a dozen times already with Gill and Chumba.

Yes, well I always find it hard to concentrate when Chumba’s around – you know that.

So you keep saying, but this is not a joking matter... you’ve got to take responsibility for your end of g-nome portal, starting with the very fundament, the basis: it is/I am – One.

Oh yeah – I got that. It more or less makes sense...

You got it? You do realise that at the quantum level you and your apartment are essentially one entity – a continuum.

Yes – that would have seemed weird if I hadn’t been hanging out in Goblin as Aargen Darvurg’s domestic dwelling, but now I can handle it, more or less.

Right – it means that whatever surrounds you is largely a projection of what you are – so, if your sink is blocked it probably indicates something in you is blocked in some way.

But that’s absurd – what’s my sink got to do with me.

[Yes, bbgs – you heard correctly – Roger does in fact groan quietly... yet our dear friends the gnomiki rally around, giving him patience and tenacity to continue guiding me]

Because it is/I am – One.

So you’re saying that my sink is a part of me?

In a manner of speaking yes, as is this apartment, your workplace or whatever else it is you’re interacting with – two sides of one equation.

But it doesn’t seem fair – you can’t hold me responsible for the photocopier machine at work.

I don’t need to – it’s you that has to accept responsibility.

I do?

Yes, because until you accept responsibility you’re going to continue to wreak inter-dimensional havoc.

I am?

Er... yes. Why do you think I had to hologram myself here?

No idea – well – probably because you care about me and wanted to put your plumbing skills to good use.  Random acts of kindness are greatly appreciated you know...

Roger isn’t sure whether to laugh or cry, but carries on selflessly: In actual fact, you and your surroundings were always one – fundamentally speaking, it’s just you never realised it, and it never seemed to matter. There would be days when you felt low and the key jammed in the lock, the printer wouldn’t work, the milk was off, the car wouldn’t start – and you just put it down to bad luck.

Ah – now I get you – you mean it wasn’t just bad luck?

No such thing as luck. It was purely mathematical. 0=1, as I keep telling you.

So, these things were happening because things inside me weren’t right?

Absolutely, and deep inside you knew it.

Ok, I’m beginning to get this straight in my mind – lucky Chumba Wumba’s not here to distract me.

What happened is when you got fully connected to g-nome portal, with full system integration this relationship between the two is now exponentially greater.

So problems in me immediately affect my surroundings to a much greater extent?

Precisely. Full system integration means that you’re One with g-nome portal – so anything that’s out of sync in your “I am” personal domain translates immediately across the quantum stream to it is – wherever, whatever, however.

Really?!

Yes.

You mean my blocked sink was sending blocked signals to all and sundry throughout the universe?

Precisely.

But that’s...

Yes – I know it’s... – but that’s how it works. That’s why we only fully connect g-nome operatives who have made the leap through zero point – it teaches them quantum discipline – so they feel the entanglement between their conscious-awareness and their surroundings.

Oh.

But you seem to have missed the lesson – or failed to join the dots.

Oh – it’s not my fault...

Look Josh – we’re not here to find fault. We’re here to deal with the problem before something irreversible happens.

No way – it’s that bad is it?

Yes. Why do you think I had to interrupt my sleep to come here?

Er – I guess the blocked sink must have been causing some disruption to... what? To be honest I’m not entirely sure how it plays out... the universe is not the place I thought it was. What did in fact warn you?

Well the partial blockage caused the quantum vacuum to start increasing its rate of spin to compensate for the reduced flow – this caused vortices to appear all over the place – half a dozen people disappeared into worm holes in various countries around the world. We’ve been working flat out to bring them back and help restore them to normalcy.

All because of my blocked sink?

That’s not the end of it – we had matter materialising all over the place – just popping into existence spontaneously as a result of the pressure differential the blockage was causing.

You did? What kind of matter?

Fairly gruesome – slimy stuff. So Caratacus got his people to run a scan and to my intense embarrassment it turned out that you were responsible for the disruptions in the quantum field. Caratacus was not impressed – appeared in a particularly unpleasant form mid way through a dream I was having with Leonardo da Vinci. I’d almost completed my new improved version of the Mona Lisa when Caratacus  inserts his face in place of hers and gives me an earful.

So you woke up and teleported here?

No Josh, I didn’t wake up. I rerouted the dream through g-nome portals conscious stream splitter and here I am – hologrammed into your kitchen.

But you’re...

Real. Of course I’m real. Anything’s real as long as it’s routed through g-nome portal’s prime node – the point at which physical reality’s “it is” interfaces with the I am of conscious awareness – which just happens to be behind the left ear.

Come on Roger – that’s just plain dumb. It can’t possibly be behind your left ear.

It is/I am – One. Whatever exits in material reality has to have its equivalent within I am – so prime node which is deep within the bowels of g-nome portal is equally found behind your left ear. You can practice using it a little later to hologram yourself around the world.

But why the left ear? Why not the right?

Why do you ask? What have you got against the left ear?

Er – nothing – it just doesn’t seem logical.

No, it isn’t. It’s biological which is why there are asymmetries involved.

Er... Ok. So you were able to teleport here using this “prime node” as you call it, fix the sink and now you can just head back to LA and finish your well earned sleep.

Sadly no, Caratacus insisted I take you under my wing for a bit – till you’ve really got the hang of things.

What? You mean you’re moving in here with me?

No, I mean you’re moving with me to Beetlejuice.

Beetlejuice – as in the Jack Nicholson movie.

No, Beetlejuice as in the star.

Oh my God. You want me to go to a giant red star called Beetlejuice, for what purpose?

To complete your training.

But I already completed it – and I collapsed the entire Matrix as I was supposed to.

Correct – but you’re a loose cannon until you learn to assimilate it is/I am – One.

Oh my God... Why can’t I just have some more sessions with Master Wu?

You can – from the safe confines of g-nome portal’s residential training camp on Beetlejuice. Trust me, it’s the best place to learn how to integrate and raise your conscious-awareness of it is/I am – One.

I still don’t get why it has to be Beetlejuice – why not at g-nome portal proper?

Because you need to immerse yourself in training, and Beetlejuice has a containment field that will prevent any slip ups sending shock waves throughout the quantum field.

But what about my work? I’m already in trouble for inadvertently rewiring the photocopier machine.

How did you do that?

I’m not too sure. I was feeling annoyed with Emily Sticklebee, my boss, after she made fun of my recent g-nome postings – something about mental sanity – and for some reason my annoyance affected the photocopier which was incapable of printing anything other than images of her looking like Adolf Hitler. It couldn’t be fixed by the technician – the main circuit board had been – er – rewired or that’s what the technician said.

And you didn’t tell me or Gill about this?

Well, I didn’t want to cause trouble.

Oh come on Josh – you know that this kind of thing has to be reported. We’re not playing with harmless toys here. The whole of material reality is wired into g-nome portal. We have to keep it clear of outside interference – and that means that operatives have to be absolutely transparent in their dealings.

Ok – Roger. Just don’t give me a hard time. I’m doing the best I can.

Roger to his credit softens at this point and gives me an encouraging slap on the back. I cough a few times as some phlegm is dislodged, but the blow seems to have helped. Something shifts in my conscious-awareness. I suddenly realise that I can’t carry on as before. I was being irresponsible. I hadn’t accepted the extent to which I affect the physical world around me. Somehow, this is now crystal clear. My thoughts, my words, my actions all seem to matter in no small way. Before, I’d blocked this out because it felt restrictive – like being imprisoned. Now it makes sense, and more than that, it no longer feels like a loss of liberty. Quite the contrary:  it is/I am – One opens the gateway to magical interaction – to being able to interact with the world directly via my conscious-awareness, instead of needing to do stuff mechanically.

So, Roger, if I’m not mistaken, it is/I am – One means that I can even build a house as Aargen Darvurg did – without physically moving a muscle.

Yes, that’s right. Anything you can do physically through external action can be done internally by accepting it’s already done, it already exists. You can even deal with a global crisis in the same way – internally.

How?

It is/I am being One, the global crisis has to be within you no less than out there in material reality. People always knew this in the past, which is why they would pray or meditate for peace.

So how would I do it through g-nome?

However you like – there are almost limitless possibilities – and it’s always fun to create a new interface. One g-nomer does it in his garden, another does it playing the guitar, a third painting...

All of them involve creativity?

Yes, and all are routed through g-nome portal’s prime node – where it is and I am interface...

All of a sudden I’m feeling really excited about the future. I want to learn more, and a trip to Beetlejuice looks like an awesome proposition.

So what are we waiting for Roger? When are we off?

Oh, anytime really – let’s go at midnight – you’re more a night person, that way you’ll avoid travel sickness. Don’t worry about your work. We’ll put in a replacement hologram. He’ll do a better job than you generally do. You might get back to find you’re up for promotion.

My self-pride suffers a minor dent as I hear a hologram can do better than me... ouch.

You know what I mean – Josh. You’re not yet fully integrated and so it’s hardly surprising you have conflict situations arising at work. As for Emily – she’s about to join the club – Gill’s buzzing around checking out whether she’s ripe or not.

Ripe? You make her sound like a banana.

Well there is that aspect to it.

So there you have it – ladies and gentlemen. What started so heroically ended with a fizzly pop. One minute I was master of the universe – engaging the powers of isness in the quantum vacuum, dancing with Dorothy, battling to re-establish material reality on a new footing – then it’s back to school for me.

In truth, of course, I’m just a victim of my own success. The 1,300 year reset that ended with Georgiy Bogdanov’s cabbage planting proposal has obviously altered the nature of material reality as we know it. We seem to have slipped unannounced into the Quantum age – and it’s merely a matter of time before the 100^th monkey works its magic and we find ourselves back in the driving seat of Reality, ready for some serious beetling!