Baphometrics - a beetle's lament

I’m drying.

Drying?

Dying. I’m dying. Are you deaf.

Er… so I misheard you. No need to get your knickers in a twist.

Jesus Christ.

Oh dear – here we go.

It’s not like I’m given to complaining.

No, you’re remarkably patient. I’ll give you that.

Well just maybe – maybe I’m not exaggerating.

I have no doubt – in fact, looking at you now I see there’s a big, my God, it’s f****** enormous! Sorry for forgetting myself Zie – a huge hole in your energy field. There’s no way you this is going to end well.

Sh**. I knew it was bad.

Bad?! It’s worse than bad. It’s freakin catastrophic.

Gulp.

I had no idea – Zie. I must have been distracted. I’m so sorry.

Sorry?

Yes. Really, very sorry.

You mean…

You is dead punk – you is gonner.

Wait a sec – you’re joking – right?

I always joke, don’t I? No point making a tragedy out of a tragedy, is there?

You mean it’s really that bad.

Oh it’s infinitely worse than anything you can possibly imagine.

How?

How what?

How can that be?

Well, like I said – I was distracted.

No, I mean – how can it be infinitely worse than anything I can possibly imagine? I’m pretty good at imagining the worst possible scenarios. Surely it can’t be worse than…

You have no idea, dear friend. Really, I’m sorry. I blame myself. I let things get horribly, horribly discombobulated.

Discom-what?

bobulated. Look, Zie, it doesn’t matter – nothing I say is going to help you see the horror unfolding. If you like I’ll share what I’m currently seeing – if you’ve the stomach for it.

Er… will it help?

Not really – but at least you’ll know.

Know what?

That it’s a hopeless situation.

But it can’t be, surely?

Can’t?

Surely it can’t be utterly hopeless? Didn’t you always tell me that in the end infinity trumps all – that nothing is completely impossible.

I lied. Little, professional white lie. Apologies. Look – if you want to see for yourself then you can make up your own mind.

Of course I want to see. Fire ahead. I’ve been dying to see my energy field for years.

Yes, if only it weren’t under such tragic circumstances. Ok – put this leather strap between your teeth. Sit yourself in this chair. I’ll tie you in.

Uh? That bad?

Worse… but don’t worry. You’ll cope, I’m sure.

And if I don’t.

We’ll think about that if and when…

Gulp.

Now, let’s get started. Grab hold of this.

Plug?

Yes, I’m plugging you in.

To the mains?

Good God, no – not half enough power in there.

Then what?

Sun.

The sun?... er… how?

Directly. Can’t possibly explain. Now, this may feel a little – awkward.

Awkward – you mean…

Yes – the same old screamy, blood curdling… oh!

What? What is it?

Nothing happened.

Nothing?

Nothing. Apparently the sun rejected you.

Oh my God.

Yes, you could say.

What are we going to do?

Do? What can we do? You have a huge hole in your energy field. The sun doesn’t even recognise you as human. You are already beyond the pale.

Pale?

Never mind. I was hoping you had a few remaining traces of humanity, of DNA or life force – but apparently not – the rot has set in truly and thoroughly. You are already in the power of the dark side.

Come on Merry – you can’t be serious.

Can’t? You’re kidding. Of course I can be serious, if ever I intended to – but why bother – what’s that going to achieve? No, let’s do the opposite. Let’s face reality and allow the darkness to thrill our body, our mind, our heart, our soul…

But I don’t want to belong to the darkness. I wanna be…

Yes?

Be…

Don’t you see – you’ve spent your whole life running from them…

From who? Who are you talking about?

Them – don’t you see?

See? Are you out of your mind? I… oh…   my…    God78

78?

Amazing…

Well yes, if truth be told, now you can see the extent to which you’re reading things backwards.

I’d say. but what about this moonlight Sonata, that solar symphony?

Yes?

How am I supposed to incorporate them – without exceeding my capacity to shine?

It’s time you shone dark.

Shone dark? You’re kidding, right?

Do I look like I’m kidding?

Not really.

Then get a move on. Shine the dark side while you still have it in you.

Have what in me?

Are you purposefully messing around?

No, I just don’t have a clue what you’re on about…

Nikola Tesla, where are you when I need you? Here – hold onto this.

What is it?

Can’t you see? Tesla coil, isn’t it… Mouth, dummy – put it in your mouth.

No need to be short with me.

Shut up and concentrate.

On what? 

On nothing much.

Jesus, have you nothing better to say?

Good – now know that the two sides of darkness and light meet in the fibre of tree.

They what?

You heard.

Meet in the fibre of tree?

Yes. Quit fooling around.

Day and night?

Get a move on.

The seasons turn on the wheel of time.

They do.

And water changeth into wine.

Indeed. Verily, verily, it is so.

Ah!

Ah?

Ah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ah good. We have contact.

Where am I?

Saturn – if I’m not mistaken.

Oh my God. You don’t mean…

Seldom, seldom do I mean what you might, in your folly, wish to imagine I do.

But isn’t this some kind of occult ritual – the dark sun rising – David Bowie – that kind of thing.

Do you really imagine Nikola Tesla was a satanic occultist?

I can’t say I know. No, I can’t imagine he was. It doesn’t feel satanic – apart from having a Tesla coil rammed in my mouth with dark streams of… well – it sure as heck isn’t lightning.

Heck you’re right.

Heck?

Hecate – goddess, witch, demon of darkness fusing a new covenant of story into a thread of wicked intent.

Wicked intent? But this is terrible. I…

Yes?

I… can’t believe you led me into this. I…

Yes?

I want to serve the light.

It’s a bit late for that, isn’t it – with your energy field 20,000 leagues up the creek without a paddle.

But…

Yes?

You said – you said…

Yawn – wake me when you’re ready to get to the point – hidden in a steaming pile of prolix.

You said there’s a always a way.

Well, there is, isn’t there?

So I believed.

But not this – surely not this.

Whyever not.

Who am I supposed to be? Why the horns on my head.

Baphomet, who else?

You mean to say…

Yes, I was hoping you’d join the dots. I see by the motion in your energy field that the penny has finally dropped.

that I invoked the evil, satanic power of Baphomet – to save my skin.

Hardly your skin.

Ok, my bloody energy field.

Well, yes, bloody indeed.

Oh no – I don’t want to know any more.

Well, Baphomet’s a stickler for traditions, you know. Union rules.

Union Rules?

Yes, he won’t do anything without the obligatory child sacrifice.

Holy M – this can’t be happening.

I know – worst nightmare – isn’t it? Who’d have thought that you’d sink so low to save your own skin, so to speak.

But you…

Yes?

You knew what was happening.

Naturally.

And you condone this atrocity?

Well, I hardly see how we could do it any other way.

You what?

I fail to see any alternative.

Merry – I’m…

Rupugned?

Yes, I’m crawling in my skin. I revolt against the very fabric, the nature of what I have become.

You do?

Yes. I would sooner die. In fact – I choose death. I am no longer worthy to call myself human…

Well I wouldn’t exactly call you human right now.

I no longer wish to exist.

Very dramatic – I’m sure – but you can’t just commit suicide.

I have no need.

No?

No – I feel an alternative.

You do?

Yes. I feel the gates of hell – deep, deep, within. And something tells me…

Oh no – here we go – buckle up Dorothy

That I can bring all the planets into a single axial alignment.

Clever.

And instead of fear and loathing…

Oh no…

Bring love, compassion, pity…

No, not pity, for Pete’s sake.

My heart is big enough.

By the horns of Baphomet, the torch of Isis, the…

Oh shut up Merry – quit posing for the readers.

I chose to be the nameless one, it is – i am

Speak of the devil!

Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooommmmmmmmmm!

Now there’s a rumble to rumble all rumbles.

Clickety click, clickety click, clickety click – old mother hen – and all the planets are beautifully aligned – and the beetles, in their utter simplicity – buzz approvingly, clicking their mandibles as infinity reinvents the wheel and brings form and matter back into easy, graceful harmony.

You mean…

I mean nothing of the sort, but were I human and prone to saying things of a tendentious nature – I’m sure I’d make some kind of facile comment to candy cane our readers into gentle, if somewhat bewildered acquiescence.

Oh God – you do have a way with words, don’t you?

Which is just as well, as someone’s got to start writing stories from scratch – the old ones no longer fit.

Oh – it’s like that is it?

Yep.

Tower of Babel…

Not exactly – but what does it matter – all’s well that end’s well.

Amen.

Curtain call, rapturous applause and a vanishing field of thought – leaving Zie standing in his bedroom, with a Baphomet mask in his hands – wondering what the hell’s going on, until he suddenly recalls his life and career at Stanford University – department of occult studies – if that’s what you want to believe.