the emerald bracelet

 

I’m busy.

 

Er… You don’t look very busy.

 

True.

 

So, I’m going to respectfully suggest you’re…

 

You can respectfully suggest whatever you like, mate, but that doesn’t alter the fact that I’m busy.

 

Er… doing what?

 

None of your business.

 

But… I have a right to know.

 

Correct. You have a right to know.

 

Well, that means you have to…

 

Nothing of the sort, mate.

 

But you yourself admitted…

 

That you have a right to know – yes – then know by right.

 

?

 

By right you can know whatever you’re able to know – which is almost unlimited if you’re willing and able to exercise your right to know.

 

I’m not sure I understand your logic.

 

Ah… well, the right to know, like all rights, does not mean I can possibly tell you what you want to know.

 

But in that case you’d be obstructing me in my job.

 

Obstructing you, would I be? In your lawful job?

 

Yes.

 

And what is your lawful job?

 

I’m from the Ministry of Matter.

 

The Ministry of Matter?

 

Yes.

 

And we need to know whatever people are doing, or not doing.

 

And why exactly do you “need to know”, as you put it?

 

It’s the law. Everyone has to provide timely information regarding their activities, lawful or unlawful. It’s only reasonable, Mr Smith; we can’t have people disrupting the flow of things.

 

No we can’t. What exactly is the flow of things, Mr Cohen?

 

How did you know my name?

 

No matter, Mr Cohen. It’s my business to know.

 

Oh. Is it?

 

Yes. The flow of things, Mr Cohen – what’s it all about?

 

Well, it’s vital that everyone in his own way contributes to the construct – the materium.

 

Is it?

 

Yes.

 

Says who?

 

Says the law.

 

And therefore you need to know what I’m doing at all times?

 

Not at all times, no. Not when you’re sleeping, eating, exercising, praying or meditating, not when you’re shopping, speaking to friends, playing a musical instrument or listening to music, not when you’re travelling or making something useful with your hands, or playing a game, not when you’re at work, not when you’re sick or watching TV.

 

Ah. That seems to account for almost every activity a normal human could be engaged in.

 

Yes. Most people fit into convenient categories. Most tick the right boxes automatically – which is why they are unaware of our vitally important work.

 

And you monitor them in real time.

 

Of course.

 

Using spyware?

 

Nothing so primitive.

 

Then what?

 

When people are busy doing normal activities they contribute their attention, their lifeforce energy to the materium.

 

Is that so?

 

Yes. And we get no alarm signals. They’re busily playing their part, fulfilling their function as members of the materium – keeping it energized, keeping it running smoothly like an interconnected network of drones.

 

Even when they’re sleeping?

 

Yes.

 

And just vegetating in front of the box.

 

Yes, because they’re doing so within the mind-matter matrix, so to speak.

 

O--k. The mind-matter matrix – which needs our involvement?

 

Correct.

 

Our engagement?

 

Yes.

 

In a participatory fashion?

 

Yes.

 

Or otherwise?

 

Or otherwise gaps will appear in the materium.

 

Gaps?

 

Logic gaps. Content gaps. Coverage gaps.

 

Coverage gaps?

 

Like a place where there’s no mobile or internet coverage.

 

And that’s bad?

 

Well yes, obviously.

 

Obviously?

 

Because where there are gaps the Mind of matter cannot safeguard the smooth 3D signal needed to keep everyone comfortable.

 

Ah. You mean strange things might start happening.

 

Theoretically, yes. There is the danger.

 

Like non-linear experiences?

 

Yes. Glitches in the temporal flow of perceived causality.

 

The “temporal flow of perceived causality”? That’s quite a mouthful, Mr Cohen.

 

Yes, Mr Smith, isn’t it.

 

You mean to say that the smoothly flowing chain of causality, in which one thing leads to another within the constant downstream flow of time might suddenly be interrupted.

 

It is theoretically possible.

 

So I could suddenly see something – like another world – where there should just be my regular supermarket.

 

Theoretically, yes, Mr Smith – if there was a gap in the materium.

 

And do these gaps actually occur? Has anyone seen one?

 

We’re not supposed to discuss this, Mr Smith.

 

No?

 

No, people can suddenly feel alarmed, even to the point of experiencing panic attacks, or vertigo.

 

Really?

 

Yes.

 

Astonishing. I wonder why that is?

 

Because these gaps in the materium are deeply disturbing for the rational mind.

 

The rational mind, you say – as opposed to the irrational mind?

 

Well, yes, there is a part of our mind which exists outside the temporal flow which is able to process non-linear reality.

 

There is?

 

Yes, but it’s wild and erratic. It disrupts our sense of continuity – our feeling of being part of a normal law based 3D reality.

 

I bet it does. So the other mind can handle non-linear reality, but it’s something we’d be better off avoiding.

 

Correct. People can suffer severe mental breakdown if they become disconnected from the materium, even momentarily.

 

Oh dear.

 

Yes, they can suffer from temporal disassociation.

 

Temporal disassociation?

 

Where they no longer feel that the 3D flow of things is entirely believable, or entirely real.

 

Yikes.

 

And restoring their previous sense of tranquil mental association with the materium can be very difficult.

 

Well, in that case, Mr Cohen I can only assume you are doing sterling work trying to protect people from temporal disassociation.

 

Yes. It’s a vital job, so perhaps, Mr Smith, you’d be willing to explain your business?                                                                                                                                       

 

Ah – I’d love to help, Mr Cohen, but unfortunately, I can’t.

 

I don’t see why not, Mr Smith.

 

Correct. How could you see?

 

But I do sense a muted disruption in the materium in connection with your activities, which is why I need to insist you provide a more complete explanation.

 

Ah, Mr Cohen, you need to insist, do you?

 

Yes, Mr Smith, only for your wellbeing.

 

And the wellbeing of the Materium?

 

Precisely.

 

Not to mention the wellbeing of everyone else.

 

Yes, there’s the rub, Mr Smith, for a gap in the materium can shift erratically. It doesn’t necessarily follow the temporal rules of locality.

 

The temporal rules of locality – that’s rather a mouthful, Mr Cohen. Why should the rules of locality be temporal?

 

Good question, Mr Smith.

 

Well?

 

Well, as long as the individual is part of the temporal flow which keeps everyone and everything nicely integrated within the materium – cause and effect – you know, then locality is stable and linear.

 

Stable and linear?

 

That’s right. If you’re in Paraguay then you’re in Paraguay.

 

Or Papua New Guinea?

 

Precisely.

 

Or Portugal?

 

Yes.

 

Or…

 

Any location, whatever it is.

 

And you seem to be implying that this law of locality – if that’s what we can call it – doesn’t apply when the temporal structure of reality is interrupted?

 

Correct. Time and temperature need to be within regular bands.

 

Temperature too?

 

Yes. Absolute zero – causes things to starting misbehaving.

 

How interesting. But I fail to see how time can be interrupted, Mr Cohen.

 

Yes, it seems all but impossible, does it not, Mr Smith?

 

It does.

 

Indeed it should be, but somehow or other, gaps can and do appear in the materium from time to time, and they can trigger non-locality events.

 

Like what?

 

Like finding yourself in another world, or another page of the book.

 

Oh wow – like you slip through from one page to another vertically, as opposed to following the words in sequence, left to right, line by line?

 

Precisely.

 

That must be rather… astonishing.

 

Yes indeed.

 

But I fail to see what that has to do with me, Mr Cohen.

 

Not just you, Mr Smith – for a gap can suddenly detach from where you are – if you are the trigger – and slip across to other people who suddenly find themselves face to face with dinosaurs, or battling with anime warriors in ancient China.

 

Temporal dislocation?

 

Yes.

 

Losing the plot?

 

Well, yes, the story is utterly compelling until it’s not.

 

And you find yourself in another story which just happens to be more real than the pale, watered down version of reality – the 3D materium you were hitherto stuck in.

 

Ah. You’re not a fan, Mr Smith?

 

Of what, Mr Cohen?

 

Of 3D reality.

 

Why not?

 

You seem to think there are better, more real stories waiting to be discovered?

 

That is more an inference, Mr Cohen, not necessarily a preference.

 

Ah. But your language seems to imply that you dislike or disapprove of 3D reality, does it not? “Pale and watered down” is how you described it.

 

Ah, but again that doesn’t imply disapproval, Mr Cohen – not if it’s an objective fact.

 

No?

 

I may in fact like things to be “pale and watered down”. I may enjoy the security of things being safe and unspectacular – a reality in which there are no great surprises or dangers – in which I can enjoy shades of grey and a restricted range of experiences, as opposed to the wild and untrammelled freedom of the other side.

 

Yes, I see what you mean. Indeed, it’s only fair to say that nearly everyone consciously or unconsciously makes the choice to stay in the harbour, on the reservation, avoiding the other side. But, if that’s the case, Mr Smith, surely you’d be willing to explain your business?

 

My business, Mr Cohen, is neither here nor there.

 

Ah. You mean to say, you’re admitting the fact that you’re an agent?

 

An agent, Mr Cohen – what strange words you use.

 

You’re actively working to disrupt the Materium, are you not?

 

No, not at all. Just because I choose to leave the footpath and collect mushrooms in the forest doesn’t mean I wish to abolish, disrupt or damage footpaths per se.

 

But you’re aware of the consequences of your actions, are you not, Mr Smith?

 

I’m aware that you are trapped in your right mind, which uses words and definitions restrictively.

 

This is beginning to sound like a confession, Mr Smith.

 

Only if you’re intent on seeing harm in nature itself. Mushrooms should not necessarily be seen as the enemy of temporal reality, should they? and nor should mushroom picking necessarily be seen as a subversive activity.

 

You have signed an agreement with the mushroom kingdom, Mr Smith?

 

An agreement? Signed?

 

You have been into the mushroom net?

 

Are you implying that I’ve tried the effects of magic mushrooms, Mr Cohen?! Perish the thought.

 

You have not?

 

Why should I? Infinity does not need to be accessed through intermediaries.

 

Infinity? How can you talk of infinity – Mr Smith – if you are part of 3D reality – enjoying the fruits and benefits of the materium?

 

Ah – I didn’t realise that infinity is proscribed by the materium.

 

Proscribed? No, no one has proscribed anything here in the materium – other than harming other people. But there are certain associations which indicate…

 

Associations, Mr Cohen? You object to mushroom picking? Is that it? What about gardening? Is that allowed?

 

I never said anything of the sort – but you – answer the question please Mr Smith – have you had encounters with mushroom spirits?

 

Oh please, Mr Cohen – next you’ll be asking me if I’ve been in communication with dryads or naiads, or the Easter bunny! This is becoming absurd.

 

Well, you don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to – but you’re going to remain under close observation, Mr Smith. There appear to be too many anomalies in your Field.

 

Anomalies in my Field? How astonishing? Could you describe them please?

 

I can show you a printout, Mr Smith. I think that will be easier. Have a look.

 

Mr Cohen hands Mr Smith a scatter chart with all kinds of outlying data points.

 

And what is this supposed to mean, Mr Cohen?

 

As you see, there are way too many outliers on your chart.

 

Well, Mr Cohen, as I’ve never seen any comparable chart I wouldn’t rightly know.

 

Ah, excuse my omission – here – look at these charts… All the data points are very close to the best fit line, as you see.

 

Ah, so what the heck’s going on with mine?

 

Well, that’s what’s causing concern.

 

So, let me get this right – Mr Cohen – you’re from the Ministry of Matter – you say, which I never previously heard of – and you’re here in my house because my scatter chart seems to be somewhat diffuse and out there.

 

Yes. We’re concerned that you might unwittingly be disrupting the Materium – or that perhaps the Mushroom kingdom might be using you as an agent.

 

And this mushroom kingdom – you’re referring to…

 

Yes?

 

Is it a threat to the Materium? Is it actively seeking to undermine of destroy our precious reality?

 

Not exactly.

 

Then what?

 

It’s a kingdom which is entirely natural and neither good nor bad, but there are forces which can and do work through it to access and takeover individuals such as yourself, we suspect.

 

Ok. Well Mr Cohen – I don’t know what you’ve been smoking but whatever it is, I’d like some. You seem to have a very colourful sense of paranoia, and this idea of mushrooms trying to take over the world – if that’s what you mean – frankly – it puts me in the mood to write a book.

 

Ah, Mr Smith, you’re a sensible sceptic, I see, but I’d like to ask you, if you wouldn’t mind, to assist the Ministry of Matter, if you would, by wearing this bracelet.

 

Mr Cohen takes out an emerald green bracelet and hands it to Mr Smith.

 

And what’s the deal, Mr Cohen?

 

We’ll pay you for your kind cooperation.

 

You’ll pay me?

 

Yes, you’ll get a six-figure salary.

 

For wearing a green plastic bracelet?

 

It isn’t, in fact, plastic, Mr Smith, but yes, for wearing this you’ll get an excellent salary.

 

And my soul?

 

Your soul – Mr Smith. I’m not sure I understand.

 

Ah, you don’t recognise the immortal soul?

 

I mean, your soul is a matter of personal faith, and you’re allowed to believe whatever you like.

 

So this is not in any way going to impinge on the functionality of my soul?

 

Like I said, Mr Smith, you’re allowed to believe in whatever you like.

 

Would you let me hold your hand while I put it on, Mr Cohen?

 

Er…

 

Just for reassurance. I’m a little scared of untested technologies.

 

Oh, I assure you, Mr Smith, that’s it been thoroughly tested. It causes no harm whatsoever. It merely corrects your scatter chart and brings you back into alignment with the Materium.

 

Your hand, please, Mr Cohen.

 

I…

 

If it causes no harm, you’ll have nothing whatsoever to lose.

 

Er…

 

But if it disrupts my life force, my soul, in any way that is harmful, this disruption will flow through to you.

 

I… er. It’s tried and tested. There’s really no need.

 

Hand.

 

But…

 

Hand.

 

Er, if you insist.

 

Mr Cohen gives Mr Smith his hand. Mr Smith puts on the emerald green bracelet and watches – watches Mr Cohen fragmenting into a million pieces.

 

Hey ho! Now, where was I…? Ah, Dorothy, my beloved Mushroom maid, let us continue our game of…

 

 

0=1

inconceivably