in which Dai goes way too far, to my infinite chagrin

Do you have any idea what a joke I am.

 

Er, Dan... Do you really think this is necessary.

 

No, really. I’m serious.

 

Quit indulging in heightened humility, Dan. No one’s perfect, as well you know. Do you really imagine anyone else is any better?

 

I have no idea, Dai, and frankly I don't give a damn. I'm sick of myself. I’ve completely failed to transcend my petty mindedness.

 

So you're just going to throw yourself under the bus, are you? You're just going throw a tantrum and make out that you’re in some way unique. Is that it? Perhaps, just possibly, there are certain laws of physics, biology or psychology which make it well nigh impossible to really change in the manner you desire.

 

I – don’t – care. Capiche?

 

Really? It sounds like you care too much. It sounds like you’ve reached the end of your tether. You’ve reached a moment of truth in which you see that, try as you might, you perpetually fail to live up to your lofty ideals; that you’re a hypocrite and a fraud. No better. Am i right?

 

...

 

So what actually happened?

 

 

I was fighting with a man in the street. He wanted a few dollars. He's a bum, but I was too proud to let him have what he wanted. I didn't like his aggressive manner. He wouldn't take no for an answer.

 

Ah, so that's what’s upsetting you.

 

I was practically in a fist fight with him.

 

How unpleasant.

 

I should have handled it differently. I can't believe I'm still unable to stay calm and centred.

 

Yes. I agree. You’re a failure.

 

Thank you.

 

Happy now?

 

Yes, a little, but no, I still hate myself. I feel violent... unclean.

 

I'm not surprised. You are indeed contemptible... You disgust me

 

I know. It's actually music to my ears.

 

for failing to allow story to write itself. For trying to be what you're not.

 

Huh? What do you mean?

 

You know full well what i mean. Quit fooling around, Dan. Your story sucks. It’s not you. It's a caricature, nothing more.

 

What blummin story? This isn't a story, you jerk. This is life. Real frickin life.

 

Silence.  Do we get a beep, or what?

 

No we effin don’t. I've seen to it that all beeps from now on are blocked n’ spammed.

 

More silence.  Not even a squeak?

 

What's the point? Quit moralising and virtue-signalling. Life is cruel and ugly so let’s not Potemkin Village things.

 

Oh, i get you, Jon.

 

I'm sick of myself. I'm an utter fraud.

Yep, that you are. You probably imagined you could do some good, make the world a better place, and now it's beginning to dawn on you...

 

Even my beeper has gone on strike.

 

I thought you said you switched it off?

 

I lied. How pathetic is that?

 

Well, you probably had your reasons.

 

I’ve failed, even God the Father, if he even exists... God looks on sanguinely.

 

Oh heck, God the Father... Anything else?

 

And humanity.

 

Well that seems to more or less cover everything. But now on a more positive note...

 

I’m... Dan starts disintegrating visibly as his Field collapses internally, nullifying itself.   – defeated.

 

Bravo, Dan! That's impressive stuff.

 

A camera man cranks a wheel. Preliminary zoom reveals molecules flying apart in slo-mo. Zooming deeper – there are no molecules, never were: a spaghetti bowl of seemingly unrelated data strings, an immense labyrinth of code reverting to decimals, now reverting to binaries. A sight to behold. Just zeros and ones, but each playing a vital role, an island of moment, each a microcosm of the whole – a Dan, a Sven, a Jon... but more than that...  an Absolute, a whole, or so they were.

                But now... The camera clicks and whirrs – observers search for a better vision, a more coherent, more cohesive image. The house of cards doesn’t collapse. It was only ever as real as the story being told, but now competing narratives hustle around, attempting to poach precious words and links, sensing the kill, a new block, a new iteration of Is, a new -ness

 

Splash!

 

Dan returns from almost complete quantum disintegration spluttering, soaking wet, and not a little incensed.

 

What the hell do you think you're playing at Dai?

 

Shut up Dan. You’re a fine one to talk.

 

Huh?! Shivering from the icy water.

 

You just allowed yourself to self-indulge like a son of a bitch, suicidally, unto the very jaws of death, and I'm supposed to be impressed? Or perhaps feel sorry for you? Am I?

 

I don't know what you're on about.

 

Well now you're playing naive and innocent, like I'm going to fall for that. You actually shifted your assemblage point into total self-negation. You zeroed out.

 

Isn't it obvious, Dai? I'm disgusted by myself. That doesn’t mean I want to die.

 

Only problem being you just happen to be a quantum field node.

 

What?

 

What in the old days they’d refer to as shaman.

 

Er... You must be mistaken.

 

It's no big deal, Dan. A minute ago you were a dead sonofabitch shaman, which is the most contemptible thing imaginable.

 

Would you quit foul-mouthing me, for crying out loud?!

 

For crying out loud?! How about – for pity’s sake?

 

No Dai. I deserve no pity and ask for none.

 

How sanctimonious. Perhaps you’d like to wear robes of sack cloth?

 

Like I said, Dai. I'm a worm, beneath contempt.

 

The only problem being that a quantum field node has certain obligations.

 

Huh?

 

It holds the frequency bands of reality.

 

What kind of garbage are you spouting now?!

 

Well, someone has to.

 

Spout garbage?

 

No, hold the frequency bands of reality. How else do you imagine things hold together, resisting the lure of infinity?

 

Groaning! Quit saying that. It’s utter crud!

 

You just turned your back on everything sacred. You agreed to let reality cancel itself out, simply by taking your own self, and your woefully pitiful concerns, way, way too seriously.

 

And what if I did?

 

Self-abortion is bad enough. But abandoning the quantum field just because your little self is feeling a tad disgruntled, just because you don't like the fact that you’re a thorough and utter hypocrite – that’s cutting off your head to spite your ingrowing toe nail...

 

Do you have to mock me like that?

 

I beg your pardon Dan, a minute ago you were technically dead. Now you want me to feel sorry for you and pussy foot around the fact that you're being suicidally reckless?

 

I did nothing. You're the one who’s lost it, tossing a bucket of icy water all over me, just because I allowed myself to slightly over-indulge in self reflection. Shivering piteously.

 

Slightly?! Would you like to revisit the place you were a few moments ago. We can see how you’d fare left to your own devices, shall we?

 

I...

 

Yes?

 

I…

 

Thinking rationally, you cannot conceive how anything could go awry, am I not right? You were just feeling a little sorry for yourself, right? But your body knows more than you seem to realise. Your body is well aware of the existential danger you were in.

 

Dai chalks a line on the floor.

 

Here, step o’er this line if you want to revisit the spot.

 

You're kidding, right?

 

Go on. Step over.  Time to put up or shut up.

Dan tries to step forward across the line Dai chalked on the pavement, but astonishingly cannot. He’s pushing with all his might, but something inside is stronger.

 

What's wrong with me? Why can't I step forward?

 

Your body, Dan, remembers what you do not.

 

Remembers what?

 

The void.

 

What bloody void are you on about now?

 

This one! Dai shoves Dan, sending him sprawling o’er the line. Instantly Dan experiences a suffocating déjà vu of being trapped, crushed, pinioned by something utterly incomprehensible. Utterly not there.

 

Hey! What have you done to me?

 

Nothing. I just helped you cross a chalk line. What's all the fuss about?

 

That wasn't just any chalk line. Quit dissembling, Dai.

 

Dan slumps to the ground, chest heaving, fighting for breath.

 

Every quantum field node has a kind of rhythm. No matter what you do, you never step out of your signature rhythm which matches your i am: it is  ratio. It's like the rhythm of your heart. Messing with it is basically going to wrongfoot the heart’s measured step. So to answer your question: I’ve just knocked you out of time, into an incompatible arrhythmic zone.

 

I can’t breathe.

 

Yep. You're dying. And your heart’s constricting isn't it, because the electrical pulses here are throwing its beat.

 

Gasping.

 

But it's not just physiological, you know.

 

Helplessly.

 

Your speckle cloud, the spectrum that gives depth, colour, texture to your reality is somewhat perversely both thinning and in other parts coagulating. It ain't pretty. Try to feel, if you can, try to observe the fabric of reality in the minute or so you have remaining. Don't waste this opportunity, it comes only once in a lifetime.

 

Aaaaaaarghggggg!

 

Hush. Focus on your surroundings.

 

Dai taps Sven on the head three times, restoring his focus. Something inside Sven tells him to stop fighting this impossible arrhythmia – to accept it as an actual expression of the underlying, relentless paradox that never went away; to own it, to be it, to Is it.

 

I sssssseee. Sven struggles with what seems to be a forked tongue. He would appear to be a snake. A snake writhing, wracked by the bittersweet pain of inconsolable paradox.

 

Pay attention to the details, never mind the pain, never mind the discomfort. That will pass soon enough... Oh, and watch out for the shark. That's what I call it, at least.

 

Shark?

 

Sure enough, as the walls close in on Dan's reality, as the fabric of that reality grows increasingly like bad 1980s CGI, something vaguely like a shark seems to swim towards him. Pure, visceral panic surges within. Dan finds himself leaping back across the chalk line without knowing how. Back to panting, cold-sweat-drenched normalcy. Stunned and bewildered by what has just transpired. No longer able to take in his surroundings with any degree of certainty or confidence. Sure, it all looks real enough, the walls are walls, the floor’s a floor, but all it took was a nudge across a chalk line and suddenly it’s two minutes to Armageddon.

 

Excellent, Dan, you did it.

 

I did?

 

You bet! You made it back unaided.

 

I wouldn’t say that Dai. That was a pretty big incentive when I saw the shark coming towards me.

 

Shark? What shark?

 

What do you mean “what shark”. You yourself told me to watch out for it.

 

Did i?

 

Absolutely.

 

Oh that.

 

What do you mean?

 

Dan, you were in the void, on the unstructured side of infinity.

 

Yes... And?

 

And anything you heard me say was coming through the double slits.

 

I beg your pardon!

 

The double slits of the Thomas Young’s particle-wave experiment.

 

Oh that... You mean those weren’t actually your words?

 

I mean there are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.

 

That again.

 

The quantum field, like poetry itself, often rhymes, though not always, and also has rhythm as a kind of precursor to time. But, the standard rules of causation don't work in the way they do here in 3D reality.

 

No?

 

Nope. As they don't work the same way in dream space.

 

Damn. So i was hallucinating!

 

I wouldn't say that either. It was obvious you were about to be tested, i.e. attacked, by the power that governs infinity.

 

Er... Qué?

 

The power that governs infinity. We never discussed it before.

 

Oh great! So you send me sprawling into the back of beyond, and only now you let slip that there are deadly forces that are going to test me by attempting to take my life.

 

Yep. That’s the procedure.

 

The what?!

 

The procedure. You heard. I make no apologies. It was a calculated risk based on a great deal of experience, and a gut feeling.

 

And I’m supposed to take comfort in the fact that my life is at the mercy of your gut feeling?

 

Well, my whingeing drama queen, if it's any consolation, that's how the nagual operates.

 

The what?

 

Nagual as in Spirit, though i hate to use that term, directing what happens on the other side of Is, beyond the double slits.

 

So now we degenerate from quantum science and philosophy to Mexican hocum – a debunked version of Indian shamanism. It's that the best you can come up with?

 

Yep. Except that you're still alive, whereas a moment ago you were battling against ineluctable forces you neither understand nor properly perceive. I'm amazed you did so well.

 

Er... Thanks for the compliment, but I’d prefer it, if you don't mind, if you’d allow me to decide if and when i choose to put my life to the test.

 

That's not how it works, Greg.

 

Bloody hell, Dai! You can't just...

 

Hush, ye wind bag. You yourself determined the course of events when you absurdly lowered your natural defences and allowed the void into your QFN.

 

You mean my quantum field node.

 

Obviously.

 

Obvious to you. Not so obvious to me or my followers.

 

Point taken.

 

I really fail to see how any of this is possible. I certainly never invited “the void” as you put it, to do anything of the sort.

 

True. Not knowingly, but the problem is that unbeknownst to you you've actually been dismantling everything that kept and keeps nagual at bay, all these years, having convinced yourself that nothing beyond 3D actually exists.

 

What?!

 

You heard.

 

But I've never even heard of this “nagual” of yours. Not till today.

 

You can hardly be expected to know anything, Dan, until it's time for that knowledge to make itself known, until you've essentially grown into the new costume we've been weaving for you here at g-nomeportal.

 

Wait a minute... You've been weaving some new outfit for me all these years without even informing me?

 

Well you don't imagine it all just happens by magic, do you?

 

But i didn't even know you two years ago. We only met in September at a Moscow ramblers mushroom picking outing.

 

True.

 

Then you’re clearly either mistaken, irrational or lying.

 

Three for the price of one. Look Greg, I certainly don't intend to explain anything about the workings of this so-called Nagual. What's the point. It has to be experienced at first hand, and as your 3D reality is now a leaky sieve, as the incubation period is now over, as you’re in the process of reclaiming your wings, reactivating the Eagle, endless ways of saying the same thing, all i need add is that, no...

 

No what?

 

No going back... No need to panic... No time like the present to start afresh and embark on a romance with infinity... No, as in, yes.

 

Great, an oxymoron to cap it all. Is that the best you could come up with? A plus zero?

 

As opposed to minus zero in your way of thinking.

 

Quit fooling around, zero is neither plus nor minus.

 

Eventually, everything you take for granted, even simple terms such as yes and no, man and woman, day and night come unstuck.

 

Is that so? I fail to see why things have to come unravelled. They seem remarkably detached from your wild assertions.

 

They were only fixed or fixable when there was a rigid structure in place.

 

What, even the ground under my feet, even the Earth or the universe?

 

No, the Earth and the Universe started as words and only then became the things you perceive them as.

 

Er...

 

We’re talking infinity, aren't we, so things can't just float randomly in a quantum state of anything-ness, can they? Not even words. They needed something to attach to. And that's the problem. Other than God and Creation itself, there's nothing, unless your QFN is timeless.

 

What's the problem, Dai? Creation seems to have done the job long ago so infinity has taken a back seat. Matter seems to be remarkably docile and well behaved. I haven't spotted any planets, rocks or buildings flashing out of existence just because God seems to have gone out of favour of late.

 

The calm before the storm.

 

Cassandra. Give me a break!

 

Actually, the fact that God has gone out of favour is indicative of...

 

No, no, no...

 

I didn't even finish what i was saying.

 

I know exactly what you're going to say and no, you’re wasting your time. God has gone out of favour not because infinity is popping its head above the parapet of time, nor because your Nagual has escaped from Tartary. It's merely a sign of the times. We are modern. We have outgrown the old beliefs or narratives. We're now willing and able to face reality as it is.

 

Is that so? In that case you'll have no trouble whatsoever dealing with this...

 

Huh? Wait a second... What are you talking about?

 

Oh nothing really.

 

Nothing? Then why are all my hairs standing on end?

 

No idea. I'm simply giving you the chance to experience reality the way it really is, without God getting in the way.

 

But God’s been out of the way for ages. No one cares.

 

You'd think so, wouldn't you, but ironically no, He’s deeply imbedded into the very fabric of reality, so even when many, many people stopped believing He was still there like a foundation, like tree roots, like an old glacier that hasn't all melted.

 

Ok, but He isn't doing anything.

 

He doesn't need to.

 

?

 

He's the foundation. The bedrock. Without Him everything slides back into...  A kettle beginning to boil sound. Everything suddenly lurches sickeningly before stabilising       ...chaos.

 

But you're not in charge. You don't command God. You can’t remove him. Who the hell do you think you are?

 

You’re right. I don't command anyone. I'm merely a technician, a quantum nobody.

 

Quit putting yourself down, Dai. Just because you're not God doesn't mean you’re nobody. You're just a regular Joe: somewhat confused i admit, but nothing out of the ordinary.

 

Precisely. Well, be that as it may, I’m now going to extricate myself from the equation.

 

?! What equation? What's going on Dai, you seem to be... Hey. You can't climb out of the window, don't be an idiot! We're on the twenty first floor.

 

Ciao Sven. It's been nice knowing you. Don't worry there’ll be no mess, I'm just tired of acting as your nurse. You stated unequivocally that you’re ready to face reality as it is, so here goes. God, believe it or not, used our platform as He had to plant his words in a kind of substrate. That's what we provided.

We?

 

At g-nomeportal.

 

A substrate?

 

Yep.

 

And without it?

 

Without it, things come unstuck. Nothing to bind to. Après moi le déluge, kinda thing.

 

A flood?

 

Whatever. Just words. Boring old words.

 

But God never needed you. You can't say such a thing. It's preposterous.

 

True.

 

Dai leaps. Chan screams and tries to catch him as he falls, himself falling out the window too. Before his eyes Dai vanishes and somehow an eagle appears in his stead. Chan’s guts start to rip open as 3D reality loses all cohesion, flying apart, flying into a benign state of quantum indeterminacy, a place where neither words nor things seem to matter in the least – and yet, bizarrely, a place nonetheless. From a 3D perspective Chan is everywhere and nowhere but that doesn’t seem to prevent him from being recognisably Chan, Sven, Greg or Dan on the one hand, while on the other, none of the above – a quantum field node, whatever that might be, which seems to enjoy nothing more than providing the optimal conditions for zeros and ones, for particles and waves (though not necessarily in corresponding order), or thirdly, if you prefer, potential beings (pbs) and potential things (pts) –– to come together in a kind of toroidal assembly of Is, which is where God comes into the picture, or would do if He actually existed.

 

Er… Dai – is that you?

 

Oh, hi there Zie.

 

Actually it’s me – Dan.

 

Yes, I realise. Dan, Zie – you’ll find it easier to comprehend when you’ve tried out more of your skins.

 

Eugh! That sounds gross.

 

Just character skins – but the same essence – I assure you.

 

So, in that case – you’re…

 

Yes, but I’m trying to keep a low profile, so don’t mention my base name.

Ok.

 

So you’ve clearly figured out how to recognise who is who. That’s the first lesson dealt with already.

 

Yes, Dai – but I’m somewhat bewildered.

 

I’m not surprised. You’re going to have difficulties holding a clear or coherent picture.

 

Picture?

 

Or narrative stream.

 

As in story?

 

Or dream.

 

Dream?

 

Yep. Words. Just words.

 

But it does feel real.

 

Oh, it’s real alright. More so than 3D, you’ll find, when you’ve found your feet – when you’ve taken root, so to speak.

 

Well yes, that’s what I was meaning to ask you about.

 

The only problem being that thoughts, like words, have no traction here – do they?

 

Exactly.

 

So trying to formulate one the old way – knocks you into another quadrant, sextant or fractal branch of infinity.

 

Yes.

 

So it ain’t going to work.

 

Then what’s the solution.

 

God knows.

 

You mean there is none.

 

Nope.

 

But you said – God knows.

 

Precisely.

 

But we’ve already established the fact that God doesn’t exist.

 

Precisely.

 

Then what?

 

Neither the fact nor the thing itself are of any concern whatsoever when you’re in the Is-ness of be.

 

Groan.

 

When you’re surfing the conscious-not of infinity.

 

Conscious-not?

 

For want of a better term, yes.

 

So…

 

Go figure, Zie.

 

I thought we’d already established the fact that I’m Dan.

 

And God doesn’t exist.

 

And neither do facts… Yes, Merry – I’m beginning to sense my quantum field node getting charged up and ready to go: not-sense overload.

 

Indeed you are.

 

So, if God knows – then God is in some way…

 

Excellent – allow the awareness to shift you through the gears of conscious-not.

 

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! This is a blast.

 

Dan gets flicked like a pinball from noddle to noddle, from waypoint to congruency – ricocheting through what would be boundless space and time – were he presently concentrated in so-called 3D.

 

Oh my God!

 

Dan has a burning desire to fall on his knees and worship the light of absolute awareness, absolute clarity, absolutely conscious-not but just as he’s about to do so – Dai spoils the experience by inserting his image into the light.

 

No, Sven – you don’t need to worship me, though I’m touched, nonetheless.

 

Oh God – is nothing sacred? Couldn’t you leave the light alone?

 

Actually, no, I can’t.

 

Why not?

 

Because God, no matter how abstract and perfect He is or is not, will always reflect or assume a face or form – will always come down to someone or something if you try to grasp at Him – if you seek to take possession of the infinite.

 

Ah. So it was my doing?

 

You could say.

 

Or yours?

 

You could say.

 

This issue with indeterminacy is going to drive me nuts.

 

Yes, I expect it will, but then again…

 

God knows.

 

Precisely.

 

 

 

0=1

 if only
  if not